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As I walked into the apartment, I resigned myself to having my thoughts plagued by him tonight. Gabby was watching a movie on the couch by herself. I would have expected her to be at Nathaniel’s by now.
“You’re home?” I asked. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she said. “One of the guys from the team is having a guy's night, and he invited Nathaniel along. There's no point in being in his apartment by myself. He doesn’t have any of the good snacks. Stupid, healthy eater.”
“Seems reasonable.”
“You had your date with Erik tonight, right?”
“Yeah.”
“How did it go?”
I looked at her with uncertainty, not even having an answer for myself. She saw the hesitation in my eyes and headed to the kitchen. She grabbed a bottle of wine and set some fully filled plastic cups and the bottle on the coffee table. She patted the cushion across from her. I obliged.
The tears started flowing as soon as I sat in front of her. I buried my face in the couch pillow and sobbed. All the pent-up feelings spilling out of me.
“Wait, Blake, what happened?” She hugged me and let me cry before pushing me for more answers.
“I don’t know!” I sobbed. “I don’t know, Gabs. Nothing bad happened. Quite the opposite, actually.”
“Explain, please.”
“Gabby, it was really fun. Like really fun. He built a fort…and we watched my favorite movies…and ate chicken nuggets with my ketchup and mayo combo. He kissed me before I left. I don’t know. It felt like we had been transported back to a really happy time, almost blissful.”
She hugged me tighter. She smelled like freshly baked muffins. I think it was just part of her DNA at this point.
“I was comfortable with him. He cuddled me during the movies, and I didn’t even shrivel at his touch. I welcomed it, and that scares me. I don’t know, Gabby. Help me. My mind is all messed up.”
She ran her fingers down my hair for a few minutes. She wasn’t good at silence, but she was good at knowing what I needed to calm down.
“I don’t even know what to think. I want to be with him but don’t want to be with him. What do you think? What should I do?”
“Blake, I don’t think you want my thoughts on Erik.”
She was right and wrong. I needed someone to tell me what I knew my heart was trying to make me forget. I needed the truth, and that was what Gabby would give me.
“I need the truth,” I sighed. “You’ll tell me the truth. You always did.”
She eyed me skeptically.
“Please.”
Apparently, I wasn’t above begging.
“I don’t have warm feelings toward Erik, you know that. He was a great guy while we were in college and at the beginning of your relationship, but being with him broke you. The end of your relationship destroyed you. I remember the day you got here and the subsequent months. You wouldn’t go anywhere. That heartbreak changed you. It’s not a bad thing, just a fact.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were always a workaholic, but you used to be excited about everything about life and saw the best in all of it. You loved to explore and enjoy life outside of work, no matter how overwhelmed you were with work. But when you got here, you stopped doing anything but working. You’re still you…you know? Sweet, caring, and so kind. But that…spark…died. At least until recently.”
I couldn’t argue with her that I had changed a lot over the last few weeks. I felt like my old self. My mood was improving, and the balance in my life was too. I felt…truly happy…for the first time in a while.
“So, what should I do? What if I’m back to my old self…because he’s back…there were so many things wrong with me back then, Gabs. I was erratic and unpredictable.” My heart rate shot up. “What if he not only brings out the good part of me but also brings that side of me back?” My hands went clammy and started shaking. “The angry side. The disappointment. The yelling…oh gosh…the yelling. I mean, I don’t –” The air wasn’t reaching my lungs.
“Blake. Stop, you’re spiraling,” Gabby shook me a little bit. “I’m not letting you have a panic attack over this. Breathe.”
“Gabby, I don’t know what to do.”
