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“Maybe,” Mason laughed.
He pushed aside his papers and decided to change the movie. The topic of love had put him in a cheesy mood, so we ended up watching A Cinderella Story.
I tried to concentrate on the movie, but my thoughts were elsewhere. I didn’t want to think that Gabby was right, and I had settled for Erik. Back then, I thought he would be the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to believe that I had been convinced.
We hadn’t been a perfect pair, but we had been comfortable together. If we put aside our arguing, we had a good relationship most of the time. Explosive, but familiar. I called it passionate.
The time that we had been together was predictably unpredictable.
I had an honesty moment with myself. Sometimes, I missed the excitement and the rollercoaster of emotions that accompanied our life. However, I thrived in routine and predictability. I had built my new life around it, and I would be dammed if I let him come here and destroy the walls I had built.
Chapter Four
Midday Wednesday.
Five days before.
Nathaniel eyed me warily across his wooden desk. Almost like he didn’t believe a word I was saying. It seemed like everyone had brought their lunch today, and all the tables had been taken when we walked over to heat up our food. So, we retreated into his office to eat.
“I promise. I’m fine!” I reiterated. I slammed my napkin against his desk, which did nothing to help ease his worries that I was losing it. “Let me ask you this. Are you worried about me as the sales contact on the project or as my friend? Really think through your answer because that’s what my level of annoyance with you hinges on.”
“I’m worried about you as your friend,” he said. “You’re like my little sister, Blake. It’s about to be a few emotional months, and I’m concerned about how you’re taking this. I just don’t want a repeat of when we moved.”
I refused to meet his brotherly gaze. I knew his eyes were pinned on me, trying to decipher what was going through my head. The mound of muscles in front of me had an uncanny ability to read my face and see through me, even when I tried to hide my thoughts from him.
“Should I be worried about you on the professional front too? I hadn’t thought about it because I know you would sacrifice yourself to make this project work perfectly, which brings us back to why I’m worried about you as a friend.”
“Of course not!” I insisted. “You shouldn’t worry about it either way.”
My tone was more of a complaining child than a confident adult who could handle herself.
“You’re a terrible liar, Blake. Look, I know you. You tapped your fingers the entire meeting with Connor. You held your breath when he brought up Erik and his team. You’re nervous, and I need to know what I’m dealing with here to help. I can’t have you shutting down on me, kid.”
“There’s a lot of feelings, okay? It’s been three years since I felt so many feelings. I’m incredibly nervous. Terrified. Excited. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t handle an ocean of feelings super well anymore.”
“Trust me, I know,” he nodded. “It’s going to be hard, kid, okay? I know that. You know that. But I want you to know that you can always count on me to help you calm down. We’ll get through this together and earn our promotions on the other side.”
I gave him as confident of a smile as I could. Nathaniel was the brother I never got to have. He wore that title proudly and took that responsibility seriously. Over the five years that we had worked together, we had grown incredibly close. He was the only person in New Windsor, outside of Gabby, that I could trust with anything and everything. He knew me, not just the work version of me, but all of who I was.
At work, I prided myself in being friendly but professional and all about my job. That last part wasn’t hard since it’s who I was anyway. I had forced myself to be this version of myself for the last three years. Not a toe out of line, not a mistake made, not a feeling in sight. If it wasn’t about my job, you wouldn’t hear me talk about it in the office.
I chewed on my sandwich and thought about what I was facing come Monday. I didn’t want to believe that Nathaniel was right to be worried. It had been three years since I had seen Erik. I avoided talking to him as much as possible. It wasn’t always easy since we were colleagues, but it had worked so far. Hearing his voice over my laptop's speaker no longer elicited any feelings in me. The walls I had built were thick and impenetrable.
Nathaniel was almost just like me. A big part of his life revolved around his job, and he was always looking for the next opportunity. As I stewed across from him, he alternated between typing on his typewriter-like keyboard, making clicking sounds with every letter, and drinking his protein shake. He had just landed the biggest deal of his career and was already researching his next target.
I got up from the chair across his desk and paced. The blinds to the bullpen were drawn, so I was glad no one could see me.
“Honesty moment, Blake?” he asked. This was his equivalent of asking me for a penny for my thoughts.
I stopped pacing and leaned back against the wall. Slowly, I lowered myself to the floor in frustration. He walked around his desk to look at me. A mixture of concern and pity showed on his face.
“I’ve moved on,” I said, looking up at him. “It’s been three years. I don’t feel anything for him anymore. Not the way I did before, anyway.”
“Are you trying to convince me or you?”
“I know I’ve moved on. But I’m still scared of seeing him. Why? Why am I so scared?” my voice had transformed into a meager plea.
“Do you want me to comfort you or give you an answer?” he crouched in front of me.
