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“I used to write lyrics and poems,” he says, not elaborating.
“Lyrics?” I repeat.
“Well, they were not exactly for music, or maybe they were, but I never wrote the notes for them. Lyrics is the best choice of a word. I wrote a lot.” Sadness falls over his face.
“What happened?”
“You. I never wrote another rhyme after that night with you." He smiles softly, and I stay quiet. “I couldn’t. When I saw you I finally knew what I was writing about, what I was writing for. I just… Nothing came out of me anymore.” He casts his eyes downwards, hiding them from me. “I couldn’t even bear to look at my old stuff after a while, and a whole mountain of failed attempts, so I burned them all. Tiana made sure I had a soundproof room here too, just in case I ever started writing again. The drummers in our store in Poppy Valley used to drive me crazy.” Noah chuckles at the memory.
“I am so sorry.” I say, barely audible, guilt twisting my guts.
“It’s not your fault. Maybe we would’ve met sooner if your mom wasn’t such a bitch.”
“Yeah… Maybe.”If he only knew…
The silence in the room is not uncomfortable. My head rests on a pillow, as his rests on my chest. His warm body parts are intertwined with mine. I couldn’t ask for more. I don’t even deserve this. The scent of his hair infiltrates my brain and lungs.
“Can I braid your hair?”
“Are you going to disappear again?” he asks me back.
“Never. Never again.” I say honestly.
“Then, yes. You can braid my hair.” he smiles up at me.
Taking the blanket off of himself, he sits on the floor, in between my legs. I work my fingers through his hair, making two not so perfect Dutch braids. He hums a song and I can’t figure out what it is.
“What are you humming?”
“Beyoncé,” he says.
“I didn’t take you for a Beyoncé fan.” I laugh, as he crinkles his eyes at me.
“I’m not, I’m a metalhead. I just like this song, and I feel like it suits the moment.” He turns his gorgeous face to me, lifting an eyebrow, daring me to say something.
My fingers slide over the black silk of his hair. It’s so long and gorgeous and it makes me slightly envious, or even jealous. I keep thinking about the girls who might have run their fingers through it in the past two years. He said nothing about himself when I mentioned what this time apart looked like for me.
The anxiousness is eating at me again, but I can’t help it. I spent years and years listening to people talk badly about my body. So many images are passing through my mind, all of the girls in them are firm and skinny, flawless. Nothing like me.
I feel my nerves slowly seep through my skin and into Noah’s hair. I have to leave before I say something I shouldn’t.
“I work tomorrow morning, would you mind taking me home when I tie your braids?”
“No, you can walk buck ass naked, and I’ll be in my car, right behind you, cat calling and honking my horn.” he laughs as he gives me a hair tie. “I really enjoy looking at you.”
“I will snitch on you to your dad.” I joke.
“Who do you think I got this brain from?” he laughs again, the sound making my heart flutter. “Why don’t you trust me, Ronan?”
“I… I don’t know. You could haveso much betterthan me. I mean, look at you. You are tall, handsome, and smart… You are the whole package.” It freaks me out how he can see right through me.
“You are the only one I want, Ronan, and I am not sure how to find the way to actually claim you.” He slowly shakes his face, as if he can’t believe how unsure and insecure I am. “You are a literal goddess, baby. You are IT for me, even though I shouldn’t want you, and can’t actually have you. Believe it or not, but if you don’t, I’ll make sure to show it to you as long as you want me to.”
Tears well in my eyes and I kiss his forehead. Uneasiness grips my soul, for the secrets that I’m hiding. I am falling fast and hard and I am scared no one will be there to catch me.
13
Hot girl bummer - Blackbear
