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Noah
On my way back from Ronan’s, my dad rings me up. He suggests we all spend a long weekend on a little vacation together, as afamily -since Jensen can skip a few days at the start of his new school year. The mere thought of being around Christine for more than a few hours makes my skin crawl. A couple of days in a house in the middle of nowhere with the woman who hates her own child and wants to touch my dad’s. My mind screams no, but my heart wants to take any chance it has at being close to Ronan. I want to do it for her… I just… How do I keep my hands away and my emotions at bay?
We talk for a while about the destinations for our trip and come to the conclusion that a small mountain near Belgrade would suit our needs best. He had already found a house to rent in each place he suggested, big enough for a married couple with a set of grown up kids to stay at.
He says he wants Tiana there, but she apparently refused right away. She said there were some family issues she had to work through with her boyfriend, which made dad really anxious. She would be all alone for at least five days, none of us near enough for her to run to if shit goes south. I hate the guy and I really hope she considers moving back home or kicking him out. She has enough money to hire a full time nanny, and even if she doesn’t do that, every single one of us would help.
Jensen, of course, agreed eagerly, since he knew about dad’s plans from the get go. He agrees to anything that gets him out of school for a few days, out of town and out of the house that makes him miserable. I on the other hand want to go, but only if Ronan goes too, and that might raise some suspicions in my dad, but thankfully he glues it to the new “step sibling bonding time” I guess, it’s either that, or he completely sees through me and my want for the girl I can’t really have.
***
A week after my dad’s phone call, I sit in my neat and clean office, but the scent of Ronan lingers in the air, and I never want it to stop. She comes here every day after work. Sometimes she is happy, sometimes she breaks down in tears when one of her ‘food episodes’, what she calls them, kicks in. I am happy to hold her and share her happiness as much as I am there to be her shoulder to cry on. My heart breaks for her every time she shamefully takes out candy wrappers from her pockets and admits she was hiding in her car, eating her sadness away. I hate it so much… The fact that she feels like she has to hide when she’s eating something society deems unhealthy, just because she is a bit bigger. It’s not her fault though. People who praise me for eating a bag of chips are the same people who give her side eye for it.
Our small suitcases sit in the corner of my soundproofed space, right in my line of sight, fully packed. I am trying so hard to write something, but I repeatedly come up empty-handed. It’s already been more than two years since my ‘writing dry-spell’ decided to show its face. I have the woman I always dreamed of in my life again, but not the way I want to. That might be the sole reason my writing issues are still present. I want to show her off and hold her hand. I want to love her in the street. I want everyone to know she, this beautiful, charming, amazing woman, belongs to me. She doesn’t deserve to be a secret. But we can’t. I can’t be the reason my father loses his happiness, just so I could get mine. No matter how fake for Christine the whole thing might have been from the start, I can’t be the one to break his heart. I can’t take it away from him, he’s already lost so much, but at the same time I have a strong feeling that Christine is going to show her true face way sooner than she wants.
Walking out of my office I see Matilda chatting with a customer. She looks like a ray of sunshine, all smiles, rainbows and goth charm. The guy is chunkier, his hair buzzed, and he seems equally enthusiastic to talk to her. Not wanting to ruin her moment, I walk back into my own space.
My phone vibrates on the table, Ronan’s name shining on the screen.
“Ljubavi,” I say with a smile on my face.
“Hey, Noah! I am missing you.” There is this strange tone to her voice, like she’s either holding back her tears, or she’s just stopped crying.
“Is everything okay? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I am just a bit worried about our trip tomorrow.”
“We don’t have to go. If you’ve changed your mind, we can just tell my dad about it and dip.”
“No, no. I want to do it. I want to be there. I need to do it. For me. For this child in me, who always wanted to feel like she belonged somewhere, like she had a family. I just…” Ronan sighs, “I need to be alone tonight. I need to prepare.”
“You do. You belong with us. With or without Christine, but I am pretty sure all three of us would actually prefer the latter option. If you need me, though, I am just a phone call away. You know that, right?” I drop to my leather couch, spreading my feet apart as if she is about to sit on the floor in front of me and rest her head in my lap.
“Thank you, Noah. It means the world to me. If it gets bad in my head again, I will let you know.” She breathes in deeply, and I can hear the smile in her voice. “Bye, baby. See you tomorrow.”
“Bye, Ronan. I’ll pick you up at eight.” I say, biting my tongue back, stopping myself from saying more than I should.
The line goes silent, and my head falls back onto the headrest. I feel sleep creeping up on me slowly. I wrap the blanket I used on Ronan all around me, and feel it completely showering me in her delicate smell. Yawns take over, my eyes are closing, and the last thing on my mind is Ronan.
***
Suitcases sit heavy in my trunk as I wait for Ronan to run out. We are meeting dad, Christine and Jensen at the airport in thirty minutes. Ronan rushes from her building in a flowy, low cut green dress that makes her figure look like an hourglass. This shade of green gives her hair some special type of glow. Her makeup is done, but it doesn’t hide the puffiness under her eyes. I know it deep in my bones, she’s cried all night.
She smiles brightly at me, as I open the car door. Her luscious body slams into mine at such force we almost topple over.
“I need to keep my distance from you in the next few days,” she squeals, hugging me tightly, leaving pecks all over my face. “I want to get my fix now.”
“We can always sneak a hug here and there. I can hold you innocently too.” I whisper into her hair.
“Sure you can, but the question is do I want you to?” she giggles lightly, even though her eyes hold all the fear and the pain in this world.
“I can do anything you want me to.” I say as I stuff her into the passenger seat. I need her to realize howtruethis statement is.
She blasts Slipknot on our way to the airport, singing her heart out. Her small dance moves catch my attention and her brightness crosses over to me. Ronan is all milky skin, dark tattoos and bouncy boobs. She doesn't stop as we reach the airport. She doesn’t flinch when we park next to our parents, the sadness seems to be out of her system or she is getting really, really good at pretending. Christine looks dumbfounded when Ronan rolls her window down and whisper screams to Jensen with excitement radiating off of her.
“Hi, kids!” my dad yells over our blasting music.
“Hi, Marko!” Ronan shouts back, high-fiving him through the window.
