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I walk slowly to him, fallen leaves crunching beneath my feet, but not loud enough to make him turn to me or hear me over the rain. The image in front of my eyes is breaking my heart. Noah is down on his knees, sitting on the heels of his feet. His legs caked in dirt. He is soaking wet, black shirt and pants plastered to his body as it shakes with silent cries. His wet hair sits glued to his back, looking dead. Standing a few meters away, I hear him speak softly. His voice sounds so broken, so hurt, so foreign, and not at all like it belongs to the man I love. The man so happy and bright, the man made of smiles and cheers. No, this one is woven out of sadness and sorrow.
‘…and this is the first year in forever that I came here to tell you something good. I feel alive, mom. I feel like I can breathe when she’s around. When she looks at me, the whole world stops, and there is no one else. Just us.’
He slowly places his hand on the small headstone, next to the crow, the way he would hold his mothers hand. The rain beats down on him, muffling his voice, but I still clearly hear all the pain it carries.
‘She has such a soft voice, mom. It’s soothing and it heals. She is everything I’ve ever dreamed of. Everything I hoped to hold in my arms since I was a kid. I told you all about my dreams, you remember, right?’
His shoulders shake, as he lifts his head up, looking at the rainy, angry skies above.
‘She is one of them, the biggest dream, the most important one. She is kind, and smart…and gorgeous. And she loves animals, just like you and dad did. You would’ve loved her. You would’ve loved her, mom. So much. You would’ve loved her, mom, but not as much as I do.’
A lump lodges itself in my throat. He is telling her about me. I feel like I shouldn’t be listening, but I seem to be glued to this spot. I can’t seem to stop. I almost reach out my hand, to touch him, but he takes another breath in and continues his confession to his mother. I am intruding on something sacred and private, and it makes me feel bad, but at the same time, I know I need to hear all of this. I need to hear it, so that I can believe it.
‘And dad loves her, my siblings love her. And Mats does too. It’s impossible not to. And if I could, I would’ve written so many poems about her, mom. But they won’t come, and I’m sorry. I’m obviously not good enough to continue your legacy. I tried so many times. I failed just as many, but I need her to know through the poems. I need her to know what I feel for her. How strong it is. How do I say it if my words won’t come? How do I love her properly, mom?’
And before I even register what I’m doing, I throw my umbrella and my bag to the ground and run to him. I drop to my knees right behind him, hugging his soaked back, slowly sinking into the wet ground. He doesn’t even flinch. His body recognizes mine. His soul knows it’s me. A sob rakes through me, and I can’t stop my tears from falling. I hold him tightly, shaking and crying into his back.
“I know, Noah. I know everything. I feel it all,” I whisper my words, my hands pressing into him as rain washes over us. “I love you. I love you, Noah.”
He takes a sharp breath before turning to face me. His eyes swollen with tears and emotion, his lips parted, slightly blue from how long he’s been sitting here in the cold.
“Ljubavi…” he whispers.
“I love you, Noah. You are my everything.”
“Volim te,” he says, leaning his forehead on mine, his eyes closed. “Volim te od trenutka kad sam te prvi put video.”
“I know. I feel it all.”
I don’t know the words he said, I don’t understand them, but I feel them. I feel them in my skin, in my bones, in my heart. I feel them on my lips, and in my eyes, and every time he says my name. I feel it when I sleep, and when I’m wide awake, and every time he hums when I brush my fingers through his hair.
“Volim te,” I say back to him, as a tear rolls down his cheek.
“Say it again.”
“Volim te, Noah,” I repeat before he softly presses his lips on mine.
I can’t stop crying for a while, so I just sit there in the mud, and the pure essence of the fall, holding him. I don’t know how long we sit like that, on his mother’s grave, but the rain stopped quite a while ago.
I detangle my hands from him and turn to look into the stone crow. It looks at peace, and like it’s there to watch over us and protect us.
“I will take good care of him, Mrs. Lukovich. I promise,” I sniffle. “I love him more than anything.”
Noah smiles at my words, kissing my forehead.
We slowly get up from the mud and pick our stuff up, saying our goodbyes to his mom. He doesn’t speak much on our way back to the car, just holds my hand and runs his thumb over my knuckles. And I don’t say much either. We’ve said more than enough already. I love him, and he loves me. That’s all I’ll ever need.
The drive home is highly weird since all of our clothes are in the trunk, due to all the mud and dirt. And I know that deep inside, the whole time, we pray in unison that no police officer decides to stop us. How do we explain? Our outfits look like they’ve been at a crime scene, mostly at the ‘hide the evidence’ part of it.
Noah still seems shocked as he unlocks the door. Maybe he’s shocked I found him, or that I reciprocate his feelings… I don’t know, but it’s strange to be next to him for this long without once hearing his voice.
He walks straight into his bedroom, patting Toma on the head as she walks by. I, of course, follow him. Standing at the end of the bed, he looks at me. Some crazy electric current runs between us. It’s like a magnet. It attracts. I near him and circle my hands around his waist, pressing my cheek onto his naked, inked chest. The heart inside is beating like a drum, fast and hard. It makes me wonder if it’s trying to push its way out of his chest and straight into mine. To connect us, to make us one.
He kisses my hair and slowly slides his pointer finger under my chin to lift my gaze to his. I swallow hard, watching his eyes search for something on my face. If he is hoping to find regret, he is going to be looking forever.
“You found me,” he rasps, as I nod my head. “And you told me…you told…”
“I love you,” I say firmly, interrupting him, and wanting him to believe it, to see it.
