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What was I to you?
Just like lightning, it hits me. And before I lose it once again, I rush to my desk, throwing the machine down into the heap of hair on the bathroom floor. I grab my feather pen and a small bottle of ink, and after two years of pure nothingness, I sit down and start writing. The words pour out, filling page after page, forming poem after poem.
Two years ago she took them away, but all she had to do was shatter my heart into a million pieces for them to rush back.
***
I grab the envelope from my desk and run to Ronan’s apartment. I don’t know what I think will happen the moment she sees these, but I need her to know. I need her to know that I have my poems back, and that this is my goodbye and a thank you.
An old lady leaves the building right on time for me to slip in before the door closes behind her. I rush up the stairs right up to her flat, leaning my ear on the wooden surface to hear if she is inside.
Nothing.
Silence.
She must still be at work, which absolutely works for me. I lift the metal cover on a tiny slit near the floor and jam my letter through it. As the sound of it falling on the floor behind the door hits my ears, a feeling of dread washes over me.
Is this really my goodbye? I can’t let myself do this. I love her.
I decide to sit down on her ‘go away’ doormat and wait for her. My guts are swarming with unease and fear. I haven’t seen her in a month. What if I see her with someone else? What if I see her cry? I don’t want her tears. Even though she hurt me, and burned my soul to a crisp, I want her to be happy, with or without me. I will sit and wait. I can’t let her go yet.
I glance at my watch, a few hours have passed and it’s well dark outside now. One in the morning ticks on my wrist. Something in my chest constricts, and I feel like I am breaking all over again. She is not coming home tonight. She is with someone else.
I walk back to my apartment, wind blowing in my face, and for the first time in forever the skin on my head feels cold. I pull my hood up, shielding myself from the freezing air. A corner-store’s sign glows ‘open 24 hours’ and I grab a packet of cat food and a bottle of water, which my liver is greatly thankful for.
It took her a month to get over me. A goddamn month.
***
I force myself to finally go to work, which means I get to see my people after a bit over four weeks of loneliness. None of them know I cut my hair. I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction to my bald head. I wonder what Ronan’s reaction will be…if she ever sees it again.
The bell chimes above my head, making my entrance known. I feel clean and grounded, being sober for a few days brought some peace to my disturbed mind. Ronan is still there, floating around, making a mess. Her touches still linger on my skin. Her sweet taste still burns on the surface of my tongue.
I miss her.
I miss her in every breath that I take.
“Hello, welcome toBLASTERS, how can I help you?” A sweet feminine voice startles me from my thoughts.
“Hi, Sky!” I say, putting my best big-boy smile on my face.
“Oh shit!” she gasps. “Matildaaaa! Jenseeeeeen!”
The pair of them run out of my office, looking around, probably for burglars due to the way Sky screams out. I meet my brother’s eyes first, and his jaw drops. Mats smashes into him and looks up at me taking a step back, as if I smacked her in the face. Even poor Ice looks straight up terrified as he walks out of the drum room.
“What have you done?” Jensen walks up to me, pulling me into a hug. His cold fingers rubbing the top of my head. “Shit, I almost didn’t recognize you!”
“I needed to clear my head, so it seemed like the right thing to do.”
“You are lying,” Matilda says, nearing us. “You did it for her.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. She loved your hair. She…you cut your hair because of her.” A tear runs down my best friend’s face. “You…I have forgotten how your face looks without that lion's mane of yours. And the shape of your head.”
“I think we weren’t even teens the last time I cut it this short!” I say letting go of Jensen, and pulling her into my arms. She leans her head onto my chest and I rest my chin on the top of her head, swaying us slowly side to side.
“Does your dad know?” Sky asks from somewhere behind me, and I shake my head.
