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Harriet smiles at me. “I’m off into the office today, so I’ll probably be back late. I’ve got new clients coming in to talk about a few pieces they want me to commission for them. Cam will be working from home today, so you girls just get yourselves to college, okay?”
She moves easily around the kitchen, picking her handbag up and kissing my forehead before she waves goodbye. It’s been a month of living here and adjusting and so far, the things I’m finding the hardest are having two parents looking out for me who care and check in all the time. I never realised how good that feels until now.
Taking a deep breath and letting that realisation sink in for a second, I make my way out to Bodega Bay, which fortunately is right on our doorstep, and run. The cathartic thudding of my feet hitting the sand travels up my legs and into my head as I speed past other runners. The breeze waters my eyes as I push myself faster and faster, my body burning with endorphins. When I stop, I fold over on myself, gripping my knees, trying to catch my breath. Checking my watch, I realise it’s been an hour and I should probably get home to shower and get ready for college.
After my run, my day flew by in a blur. My shower was rushed, as was my getting ready. I missed my morning call with Liam because I had to scoff breakfast and run out the door. Then I was late to one of my classes and I forgot a book for my other one. Days like this make me crazy because I hate being on the back foot, especially as it all started so well.
I’m just about to walk into the house again after school when I pick up my phone to call Liam. He answers on the third ring.
“Hey Jess, hold on one second.” He rushes out. I hear mumbling in the background, a few different voices, maybe even a female one.Maybe that’s his mum. “Sorry about that, you okay?”
“I’m… okay. Did I interrupt something?”
“No, nothing. I’m just at one of the guys from college, Will’s house, and Alex is here, too. We were going over some schoolwork.”
He sounds honest, and I have no reason not to trust what he’s saying, but for whatever reason, I feel a jolt of jealousy. That people get to spend time withmyguy, when I can’t.
“Jess? You still there?”
I shake my head and my jealousy away. “I’m here. Sorry, distracted.”
“I missed you this morning. I think that’s the first morning call we’ve missed. My day felt all off without talking to you.”
I let out the breath stuck in my lungs, relieved to hear that it’s not just me that felt off today.
“I had a weird day, too. I went on my run, but then after that everything just felt rushed and I couldn’t catch up, you know?”
Liam hums in agreement. “So, what’s going on? Tell me all the things I’ve missed.”
“Since…” I check my watch, “Twenty-two hours ago?” I laugh. “Not a whole lot I’m afraid.”
There’s an awkward silence that seems to creep into our conversations over the last week. It makes me feel like there are razor blades in my throat when I swallow. I hate it.
“Have you heard from your mum?”
My jaw tenses. “I’m pretty sure I would’ve told you if I had,” I snap.
“Okay… you’re right. Sorry.”
“No… it’s not your fault. I’m sorry. I think… I’m just tired.” I rub the bridge of my nose to relieve the sudden pressure there.
“You know, Jess, you can talk to me about everything that’s scary. I’m here for it. I’m here for you. You can talk to me.”
I chew the inside of my cheek, not wanting to snap at him again. I’m not sure how I can tell him that I’m struggling to deal with being in a household with two adults who care more about me than my own mother ever did. Or the fact that I’m only just realising that the last year of my life was fucking awful living with her. Or even that I feel jealous that his new friends get to spend time with him simply because they all live in London, and it’s where I wish I was. Or that he isn’t here for me, not how I need him to be. He can’t help me sleep at night. He can’t chase away nightmares or hold me together when I think I might break because he isn’t here. And none of that is his fault, I know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to live with.
I hate myself for thinking any of it because Liam is so good. He’s doing everything he can for me. And I don’t know why I keep holding back from him. I started therapy last week and I’ve barely managed to get through a session without sobbing the entire forty-five minutes yet, so I don’t feel ready to talk to him about it all.
“I know you are, but I… I need…”
“Time… I get it Jess, but… you know what, don’t worry. I’m here when you’re ready.”
“I need you to understand that it’s not just as easy as talking about what we had for lunch.” I try to keep the malice out of my tone, but I’m pretty sure I fail.
“I know that. I’m not stupid. I just don’t want you to feel like you have no one, especially after she left you.”
My chest caves, while the room feels like it’s spinning.He’s right, she left me.
“You’re right. Can we just leave it for now? I need to figure out how to make it… how I can stop this fucking pain.” I clutch my chest, my breathing uneven and shallow. I almost drop the phone to the floor from how violently I’m shaking. My lungs don’t feel like my own, they feel too small for me to take a full breath.
