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“Jess, breathe. Slow it down, breathe for me.” Liam breathes heavily into the phone, trying to encourage me to follow him.
I try to inhale deeply, but I can’t.
My world spins around me, my hands tingle.
“Jess, I need you to breathe.” Liam’s voice filters back to my consciousness.
He sounds so far away, so tinny. My eyes burn with tears that overflow, making tracks down my cheeks.
One one thousand.
Two one thousand.
Three one thousand.
Closing my eyes, I push out all the air I can manage and then suck in as much as I can, making a loud gasping sound.
“That’s it, slow breaths. In and out.” Liam gently coaches me on the phone.
Another deep breath in and out.
My pulse begins to quiet as Liam still murmurs words that I can’t hear, but the sound of his voice lulls my panic into submission. My room comes back into focus, my bedsheets crumpled from my panicked grip on them. One more deep breath to try to stop my body vibrating.
“Jess, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push. I just care about you. It’s so fucking hard not being with you.”
I swallow thickly. “I know.” It’s all I can manage to say.
The silence between us is loud and obnoxiously waiting for one of us to speak, but I need it to be quiet for a second, my body still reeling.
I’m not sure how much time passes, but Liam doesn’t speak; all I can hear are the quiet puffs of him breathing down the phone.
“I’m going to shower,” I say, finally breaking the spell.
“Liam, come on! We have to finish this assignment.”A girl’s voice that definitely wasn’t his mum’s drifts into the phone before I hear Liam mumble something back to her.
The rational part of my brain tells me that she’s no one and Liam wouldn’t hurt me, but the irrational part tells me that he’s spending time with other girls and that fucking stings.
“I better go too. I’ll call you in the morning. I love you.”
My heart stutters at his words, my thoughts laced with guilt, for not being able to open up to him for doubting him for a second. Liam wouldn’t do anything like that to me. I want to say I’m sorry, that I love him more than anything and I don’t want to lose him, but my stupid, stubborn brain won’t let me.
“I love you, too.”
8
Jessica
31stOctober
Jess:Have a great time at the Halloween party tonight. Wish I was there.
Liam:Me too Scotty x
I place my phone in my bag, locking it and throwing it into my handbag. Liam and I have had more missed calls than actual conversations lately.
I worry my bottom lip, trying not to think about the fact that he’s going to a party tonight and there will be plenty of girls swooning after him, I’m sure, including Alex, who seems to be integral in his new friendship group. I try to not think about it but some days it’s all consuming.
Is he giving her all my favourite smiles? Does she like him? How much time do they spend alone?
