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“Jessica?” My therapist's voice snaps me out of my jealous trance.
I stand from my seat in the waiting room, brushing the non-existent lint from my jeans as I raise my hand to wave awkwardly. I’ve been coming here for almost six weeks now and I still manage to make it weird every time, from all the nerves rushing through my body at the thought of opening up about how I’m feeling I tend to lose all composure.
Joy, my therapist, gestures to my usual grey armchair that's equal parts comfortable and uncomfortable
She smiles. “So, how are you doing today?” Joy asks the same question every session. As though she’s hoping I’m going to magically one day tell her the truth from the beginning of our session. I never do. I usually, and unintentionally, make her work for her answer until I’m a crying mess. Yet, today, I feel like being… honest.
I clear my throat. “I’m feeling anxious today.”
Joy schools her reaction, trying to hide her surprise that I didn’t give my usualI’m fineanswer.
“Tell me what’s happened today. Run through everything and we can pick it apart.” She pushes her clear glasses up to the top of her nose as her hands clasp together on her lap on top of her notepad, twirling the pen between her fingers.
“I started the day with a run, like I always do. I usually speak to my boyfriend in the mornings, but he had rugby training, so we didn’t catch each other. College was the same as always…”
“…but?”
I sigh. “Liam is at a Halloween party tonight and I think… no… I know that’s why I’m feeling anxious. He has a new group of friends and one of them is a girl…”
Joy nods and takes some notes.
“I think it’s perfectly normal to feel anxious, but tell me, has Liam ever made you feel like you couldn’t trust him?”
My head shakes in answer.
“And do you feel as though you are still close? Do you make time for one another?”
My shoulders shrug, not giving an answer straight away. “We don’t have a lot of free time with our part time jobs, school work too. So seeing each other has been tricky, and that’s been hard to deal with.” I pause, “That and I haven’t been able to… talk to him about how I’m feeling, coping or really anything deeper than,Hey, my day was good, how was yours?And I overthink everything. Even when I know he would never hurt me, I’m scared.” I slump in the chair, feeling the lumpy cushion behind me. I dig it out and place it on my lap instead.
“Why do you think you feel that you can’t talk to him?”
“I don’t know…” I trap my bottom lip between my teeth as I think about how to say what I’m thinking. “I don’t want to lose him, but I know by doing what I’m doing, I’m pushing him away. It’s just… talking about my mum is hard. I feel ashamed and guilty and let down and those are only some of the things I’m feeling. If he sees that I’m as broken as I feel, then he might not… he…” The words get stuck in my throat as my eyes pool with tears.
“You think he’ll leave you?” Joy finishes for me.
I nod my head and touch my chin to my chest.
She pauses, tapping her chin with her index finger. “I want you to write a letter to Liam. It doesn’t have to be long, but it should include some of your feelings you are too scared to say to him. Can you do that for me?”
Can I do that?I honestly don’t know, but she’s the expert here.
“I want to try.” And that’s the truth. I really want to try to be better at sharing.
12thNovember
Jess:I’m not sure that I can make it to London this weekend. Everyone at the hotel had this sickness bug, so I’ve been asked to work extra shifts. I’m sorry x
After my double shift today, my feet are concrete weights that I drag around my bedroom. Groaning at the strain of getting undressed, I realise I’m completely unable to do it effectively either. My arms are stuck in my shirt as I try to peel it off my body. I squeal before throwing my half-undressed body onto my bed.
“Jess?” Nora knocks at my door.
“Help!” I cry, but the sound is muffled by my complete inability to lift my heavy head from my bed.
“I’m coming in. If you’re naked, you’ve been warned.”
I hear my door handle click, and Nora exhales. “Thank God you aren’t fully naked.”
The bounce of her sitting on my bed almost has me lifting my dead body to see her face, but I quickly decide that’s far too much effort.
