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“It’s set to be colder tonight, so I brought you something to warm you up. I didn’t know how long you’d be out here.” He comes to sit next to me. “That and I wanted to spend some time with you. I know we talked about your mother last week, but I wanted you to know that I saw her today.”
My heart stills and a whisper of fear snakes around my neck at the thought of her being back into my life so easily. He’s her brother, though. He has every right to see her; I tell myself, trying to dampen my worries with rational thoughts.
I bite my bottom lip but release it as soon as I exhale. “And how did that go?”
He sighs heavily. Steam bellows from his cup like the top of a volcano as he blows the hot air away. “It’s never going to be easy with her.”
I let out a quiet laugh that feels bitter on my tongue. “No shit.”
Cam joins my sentiment, whilst he takes a sip of his drink. “Do you want to see her?”
It’s the question I’ve been asking myself for the last two weeks.Do I want to see her?If I’m being truthful, the answer is yes, the same answer I had in Paris. I need to see her to figure out how I can move on from this limbo of emotion I'm stuck in. My therapist agrees I need to see her, too. However, a really small part of me doesn’t want to give her the time of day, because I don’t feel like she deserves it. If I see her, I’m giving her the power to destroy me again, as much as I want to be in control I’m not sure I ever will be with her and that’s scary as hell.
“It’s okay if you aren’t sure, kiddo.” He sips his hot chocolate. “For the record, she would like to see you.”
I slowly nod my head, not entirely sure if itisokay that I’m torn between yes and no.
“I’d hoped coming here would give me a little clarity or something profound like that. But all I’ve gained is sand in my bum from sitting out here.” I admit. Cam’s head whips my way, an amused look plastered on his face, then he throws his head back and lets laughter erupt from his throat.
A cackle bursts from me too and my shoulders shake with the rattles of my laughter as it turns hysterical. I wipe the tears pooling in my eyes, my mouth wide, as I let out big, obnoxious bellows, clutching my chest, feeling the freedom of it all. It feels nice to laugh this way. God knows I haven’t done a lot of that lately.
The laughter settles like dust on a windowsill as we both slowly come down from our high. “I do want to see her,” I say out loud, realising that it is something I need to do, especially if I want to feel as free as I did a second ago.
My eyes open slowly and I blink the sleep from them rapidly, letting my mind wake up when I take note of my body… and to try figure out why I feel like I’m on fire right now. Looking down at myself, I quickly take in the 6-foot-3 man wrapped around me, who has the body temperature of a furnace. I’m sticky, hot and sweating from being tangled together all night in my small double bed at Cam and Harriet’s house.
Liam grumbles at the loss of me as I deftly untangle myself from his long limbs. I lean down to kiss his forehead. “Sshh, go back to sleep, baby.”
As I sit on the edge of the bed, my body chilling with the settled sweat from the night, I look around my room. Nothing has changed and I love that it’s been kept the same. The light blue walls are faded in places, the fairy lights no longer light up, but all my fake plants line the room like a picture frame. I smile at the memories of Nora and I trying (and failing) to hang these and how Cam ended up doing it all for us.
I stretch my arms up, revelling in the feeling when my body burns for just a second. I twist my body side to side when I come face to face with my polaroid wall that is littered with pictures from when we were growing up. I see baby faced Nora and I posing at a music concert. Cam and Harriett holding hands, walking somewhere in London. There are lots of pictures of Liam and I but one image catches my eye and has me moving closer. I think it was taken when Liam, Nora, and I were on the beach when we were fourteen.
In the picture, I’m lying on a towel and I’m guessing Nora is the one who is taking the picture. But what has my heart beating out of my chest is Liam. He’s propped up on his elbow, staring down at me like I hung the moon and the stars.Did he always look at me like that?
I trace my fingers over the edges of the photo before propping it up on the bedside table so Liam can see it when he wakes up. I scribble a little note to go with it and head to the bathroom.
When I finish in there and step back into the bedroom, the cooler air caresses my slightly damp skin, causing goosebumps to scatter along my bare arms as I wrap the towel tighter around me. I hate being cold, so I quickly get dressed in Liam’s hoody and a pair of old shorts I found in my drawers when I hear my phone buzzing on the floor. I grab it, immediately answering before checking who it is.
“Hello,” I whisper, not wanting to wake Liam, as I duck into the hallway.
“Jess? Why are you whispering?” Nora’s voice filters through the phone.
“Oh, Liam is still sleeping. I’ve moved now though. Are you okay?”
“I’m good…” she pauses.
“Why does there feel like there’s a but at the end of that sentence?”
“There’s not. Ignore me. I’m just calling you back. I saw I missed a call last night from you.”
My eyes squint at her avoidance of my question, but I’ll let it slide for now. “Oh right, last night. I…I want to talk to you about my mum.”
“You?” she asks, her voice almost a squeak.
“Yes.”
“You want to tell me how you feel?”
“Yes.”
