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The picnic goes by excruciatingly slowly, even though I’m kept busy handing out drinks. Every now and then I hear Jess laugh and my eyes instantly search for her so I can catch a glimpse of her happy. I swear I heard it just a second ago, but she’s moved out of sight and my line for drinks has just got even longer so I need to focus. Just as I hand over a lemonade to a little boy with his dad, a balloon swipes me across the face for about the millionth time today, I throw a punch at the wayward balloon and mutter a curse under my breath just as Jess steps in front of my stall.
“Hi.” She offers a small smile, looking between me and the balloon that’s got it in for my face.
“Hi.” I swat the balloon once more, hoping that it says away from me.
“The balloons causing you trouble?” she smirks.
“It’s like I’ve offended them and they are out to punish me,” I deadpan, but when she gives me another glimpse of her full smile, I let my own take over my face. “You think Nora would cover me for a second so we can talk?”
She nods, and before long, Nora appears to take over my stall.
Jess and I stroll over towards a shaded part of the park. The tree branches swish above us, letting snippets of autumn sunshine fall over Jess’ hair as the warmer auburn strands glimmer in the light, making her glow. My hand twitches to hold hers, but I need her to listen to everything, so she understands, so I force them into my jean pockets.
“Jess, I know Nora told you everything already, but I want to explain myself.” Unable to resist touching her, I hold out my hand in the hope that she takes it. When she does, my entire body sings at the contact. I steady my breathing before I continue. “My dad…” I pause to swallow. “He’s Claire’s sponsor. I found out just before we went to Paris and he promised me this would all be sorted once we were back, which is when you walked into the office.”
Her eyes widened at my words, her mouth slightly open as I continue. “I’m sorry Jess, I tried to tell you so many times. I’ve tortured myself about whether it was the right thing… I know how you feel about your mum and I didn’t want to make that worse for you, but I also hate keeping secrets from you. I hated every second of not telling you. I never want to keep anything from you or lie to you again.”
She chews the inside of her lip. I can’t tell what she is thinking, and she stays quiet until I can’t take it anymore.
“Jesus, please talk to me.” My voice cracks on the last word.
Her eyes snap to mine, flaring before they soften instantly. “Liam…” her hands fly up to her face, shielding her emotions from me. I instinctively step forwards wanting to give her comfort, my hands cup her face as she leans into me ever so slightly.
“Talk to me, baby. Let me in, I’ve got you,” I whisper, my words being carried off in the breeze that whips around us.
She sniffs and straightens herself, pushing her shoulders backwards. When her glazed eyes meet mine, my chest seizes at seeing her so broken again. “I didn’t mean to run yesterday, but I couldn’t stay there.” She pauses, eyes flitting around the strings of my hoodie. “I thought I was ready to see her again, but as soon as I did, I just felt… scared. I wanted to be in control and suddenly… I wasn’t.” She exhales, the air whooshing into my chest as I pull her in, wrapping my arms around her. “I’m not mad at you, or at least I’m trying not to be. But your dad is her sponsor? I had no idea.” She buries her face once more and I pull her into my chest.
“I was shocked too. He’s supported her for the last three years.”
Her head jerks up. “Three years? Jesus,” she shrieks. “I-I don’t know what to say. I’m glad she’s got help. I never thought it would be from your dad, but… you said she’s sober?”
I nod my head. “She's sober, has been for at least six years.”
Her expression changes from confusion to hurt. I can practically feel the memories swirling around her, the pain from her past. I want to take all of it away. Her eyes connect with mine, filled with unshed tears. “I need you to know that you’re one of the only people who can keep me from falling off a cliff right now. Ineedyou,” she whispers. “That pain from years ago is still very much a part of me, but I can’t let it win. I won’t.”
My arms strengthen around her as the air escapes my lungs. I swallow heavily, unable to clear the frog in my throat from her words. Ten years ago, she asked me to leave and now… she’s telling me she needs me. Hot prickles burn behind my eyes as tears threaten to escape. I’ve only ever wanted to be there for Jess. She deserves to be treated like she matters. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.
She rests her chin on my chest, “I’m sorry for pushing you away when we were kids. I know I’ve said it briefly before but I… I don’t want to push you away again.”
My pulse races as emotion floods my bloodstream, rushing it fast around my body. I swallow thickly, trying to clear the frog in my throat. “Jess, that means so much to me. You have no idea.”
We stand in each other’s embrace for God knows how long. I never want to let her go and I never will. Jess’ feet shift beneath her as I reluctantly release one arm from around her, holding her chin in place, making sure she hears everything I’m about to say. “I need you to know that if you ever feel like you’re broken, you lean on me from here on out. I’ll take all your broken pieces and spend a lifetime putting them back together because you deserve that and so much more. You mean more to me than anything, Jess, and I refuse to give you up again. I want to be clear because you need to know I’m all in. I’ve been all in since the moment I saw you again.” I pause, sliding my hand to cup her cheek. “How could I ever belong to anyone else when I left my heart with you all those years ago?”
I guide her mouth to mine and press our lips together in a kiss that is branding, her body immediately gripping onto mine. She is mine and even though, deep down, she always has been, it took us both time to get here and that’s okay, because I’ve got her now.
She breaks the kiss, her eyes shining up at me. “I’m all in. Liam, I never want to be without you again.”
37
Jessica
It’sbeentwoweekssince I saw mum. I’ve taken some time off work, and considering I never take a holiday, Jean-Pierre had no problem letting me take some time. Time I needed. A lifetime of grief has hit me like a freight train. My eyes sting from crying and lack of sleep. My more frequent nightmares are to thank for that one. My body feels weary, like it’s finally trying to figure out how to find the closure it needs. ThatIneed.
It hurts to deal with all these emotions, ones that have bubbled around my body for years but have never surfaced until now, and now they’re pushing to be acknowledged, ready to burst out of me. Therapy helps, so does my newfound love for journalling, but it doesn’t completely prepare you for the good things to blindside you, too. I keep fielding all the bad things and dealing with my reactions to those, so when the good and the bad collide, I find myself in a state of constant overwhelm. My rational brain tells me how to deal with things whilst my heart thuds in my chest, telling me it’s confused. I’ve spent so long protecting myself that I never fully considered what it might be like to let someone in again and what I’d be able to offer that person in return.
I think a part of me has always grieved my mum. The part of her that I lost to the addiction and now, as an adult, I’ve spent the last ten years grieving for the life we never shared as mother and daughter. I’ve been coasting, taking each day, never planning ahead, never getting attached because of that fear of loss overwhelming me. It all felt too much, so I hid in the shadows of my mind for such a long time. But not anymore. Liam has been so patient whilst I try and figure all of that out and it’s been tough. But I’m not giving up. I’m dealing with things,withhelp from people who love me.
I let out a long, calming breath, finding solace in the ocean before me. I tuck my journal back into my tote bag before padding my feet, feeling the soft sand beneath them. I spot Cam walking towards me with a hot chocolate in hand. My head tilts with a smile at his gesture.
