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She listened intently, the tension in her body building, biting her lip in places, shaking her head in others, but when he got to the drowning part, she gasped, her gaze riveted on him, her eyes registering her alarm.
“Matt,” she said.
The familiar ache started tightening in his chest. “I know this is hard to hear, but I need to finish.”
She nodded. “Go on. Tell me.”
He told her about what happened, the feeling of floating, then the three memories as they played out. “I have been thinking about them over and over again. At first, I couldn't shake them, and I was having daylight flashbacks, not good for a SEAL. My LT sent me on medical leave, and I got some help from a counselor, my Aunt Helen. I didn’t want anything official. If the brass found out, they might pull me from duty.”
“But you’re still struggling with this?” she asked, tightening her fingers.
Easy nodded. “Yes. I am, but this is the first recurrence of them.”
She leaned into him, and her presence released some of the tension. She shrugged. “I’m no expert, but it sounds like there’s a common thread.”
“What?”
“You survived, Matt. The car crash, Hell Week, and the cave.”
“I never thought of it that way, but you’re right.” He would have to think about that, apply her theory to his experiences, delve deeper into his feelings. Some things he just wanted to stay in the past, but apparently, his psyche found it important for him to look at these incidents closer. Surviving was part of the natural order. Humans had a built-in drive to survive. He looked away, knowing that he couldn’t really leave it there. “There’s more about the car crash I didn’t tell you.”
“What?” Her eyes were so soft as she searched his expression. Fear gripped him and he wasn’t sure he could continue…the emotions were overwhelming him. He’d been vulnerable during that moment with Jeri and allowing him to trust others, during that time, would only result in more pain. The painful secret he held onto—his real, personal thoughts were ugly. How could he bare his soul to Jack and deal with the fallout?
11
He exhaleda deep breath and scrubbed a hand along the stubble on his jaw, forcing himself to relax. This was Jack who showed him all the ugly parts of herself, at least what she thought had been ugly, and how could he do less with her?
“Easy, you can trust me. You didn’t judge me, and I would never judge you. We think we need to hide all the bad stuff about ourselves because people won’t think well of us. I know that’s not true, because you know me now. I want to know you.”
It was as if she’d just lifted a heavy burden off his shoulders. He believed her because she was sincere, and raw from her own revelations. It gave him the courage to push past his fear. “I proposed to Jeri that night before she died. She turned me down and said I was too much. I made plans without her, and that was true. The more I think about our relationship, the more I realize that she was never as invested in it as I was.” This was the hard part, something he’d never told a living soul. Not his family, and had never brought it up with his brothers, not even Hemingway.
“How long did you know her?”
He looked at her, struck again by how different she was from anyone he’d ever met. Her interest was as real and genuine as she was, and that made it easier for him to continue. For the first time he wanted to open up to someone, and that was because it was her.
“Ever since she moved in next door when I was five. She was inquisitive, sensitive, strong, and confident. We were friends until hormones hit, then I had it bad for her. That affection turned into something so deep, it filled me up, and like always, I needed more. That intensity that has driven me throughout my life coalesced with this girl. We started dating when we were sixteen and were inseparable. In my senior year of high school, I knew I wanted to marry her. I bought a ring and the night we went out I asked her to marry me. She said no.”
“That must have been so painful, Matt. I’m so sorry,” she said softly. “What were her reasons?” Her voice got a little rough, but it was on his behalf, that protective note of anger tinging her words. He’d never felt so close to someone who wasn’t his family as he did with Jack. “Did she at least give you the courtesy of letting you know so that you weren’t left hanging?”
He couldn’t fault Jeri. He realized that now. “She was brutally honest. Maybe she thought I needed to hear it. I was so gung-ho about the life we could lead.” Her gaze held his, delving past those tough, guarded layers of his. “She said I was too much, too extreme, and that it was exhausting. She couldn’t imagine being with me with a life of that kind of intensity.”
Her mouth tightened. “She might have been honest, but she didn’t have to be cruel, especially when you were opening your heart and your life to her. That wasn’t fair to you.”
He inhaled a deep breath, her compassion and anger an interesting combination that touched him deeply. “Her rejection cut me to the core of my being, like she was attacking my soul, who I was at my center. I’ve never felt pain like that. I’ve always gotten what I wanted and was blessed with a loving, supporting, and amazing family.”
“And you weren’t prepared. Her turning you down was out of the blue. All that promise, all your excitement, and your love got thrown back in your face.”
He swallowed hard, nodding.
“There’s no shame in feeling that way at all.” She cupped his jaw and rubbed her thumb along his cheekbone. Her warmth and physical touch shored him up. “I know how shame and humiliation can hurt and steer you away from your core being. You took her rejection and channeled all your energy into being who you were in the face of so much disappointment and you built walls and armor against it happening again.”
They hadn’t known each other well, but because she understood him, got to the core of what he was feeling, she released years’ worth of personal anguish. Maybe he would have dismissed her conclusion, but this was Jack, and he found that he couldn’t deny the truth with her. He nodded.
“I think I didn’t have a chance to feel everything I should have felt and understood. I was young and naive. And because the accident happened, and I watched her die along with my two best friends, while I walked away with a concussion. I think I shut down, thought that emotions were controlling me, and that I needed to control my emotions.”
“When you really needed to feel them instead. Geez, I hear you,” she said raggedly, blinking rapidly. “We were so young, and it’s no surprise we got it wrong.”
“People think that accident set me adrift, like my parents and my friends at school. Even though it wasn’t my fault, Williston was never the same.”
