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“You lost your innocence that night.”
He smiled softly, pain mixed in with the humor of his words. “I became a man. Is that what you’re saying?”
“You did. It was a rite of passage and those are never easy.”
She was right, he did go through moving from a teenager into taking control of his own life like a man would. Like his dad taught him to take responsibility for his actions. It was a disconcerting notion. “I never regretted joining the Navy and it wasn’t as a result of the accident.” The Navy had given him everything he’d expected it would—action, adventure, pushing and challenging himself—but most importantly, it gave him the brotherhood.“My dad had been pushing me for years to follow in his footsteps, but I couldn’t live a sedate life. I knew it at a young age. I so didn’t want to disappoint him.”
She squeezed his hand where their fingers were still entwined. “Of course not, so you cut yourself off on many levels and especially with relationships, because it was so much easier than putting yourself out there emotionally.”
God, it was so freeing that she got him so completely. “Jeri was right. That fire drove me. I got into every school I applied to, but my main application was to the Navy. I've wanted to be a SEAL ever since I saw a dive video about frogmen when I was sixteen. Everything they did jazzed me up, and I was excited about being a part of something bigger than myself. That’s what I wanted.” He had made the right choice, even under all that pressure and he was proud of that. “It felt good to make my own decisions, and when I got the designation of warfare operator, I knew it was going to be the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. A lot of people thought I had lost it because of Jeri, and part of that is true; I struggled with that pain.” He inhaled and swallowed hard, the thoughts he’d had back then that had been sticking in his craw came out. “But to be honest, her death was easier to take than her rejection. Not that I was happy that she hurt me and then died. That’s not it. Her death was an accident. I know that and I know I’m not to blame, but the way people looked at me before and after was different.”
“Maybe that was your perception, Matt. Not that it’s wrong or anything, but that’s how you moved forward. You were changed.”
“Maybe so. I’m not sure about that, but it seems right. I did feel a bit relieved by her death.”
She shifted closer. “How so?”
“No one would ever have to know she turned me down, that I was hurting so deeply. No, her death was a happenstance, but her rejection…Jack, that was personal.”
“Oh, Matt. That’s honest and that’s all you have to be is honest with yourself, and the people who understand or judge you? Those people don’t matter.” She set her other hand over his, leaned over and kissed him on the mouth, soft and comforting. “You taught me that,” she said fiercely. “You are an amazing person. Whatever happens. If we make it safely out of here or we don’t. I’ll never forget you, ever.”
“I’ll get you out of here. It’s my primary mission, not because you are my HVT, but because it would kill me to have anything happen to you. I promise you. I’ll fight to my last dying breath—”
“Don’t promise me that. God, Matt, don’t.” She covered his mouth, but he just kissed her fingers.
“I do promise you,” he said, quietly, but intensely. “I didn’t sign up for this job to pick and choose how all in I went with each mission. I’m all in, all the time. No matter what.” He wasn’t sure what kind of future he had with her. His life consisted of an erratic and hectic schedule, deploying often and for long periods of time to dangerous places. She deserved a stable relationship with a man she could depend on, who had a regular, daily schedule—not someone who was gone most of the time. Her life was in Texas and once she sorted everything out with her company, she would get her promotion. Maybe it was something she wanted, maybe not, but he didn’t want to be an influence or consideration in her life. The choice, as he’d learned when he’d been eighteen, was always and forever hers.
* * *
Shark had beento many continents, wet ones, dry ones, and ones in between, but he’d never seen this kind of rain. Noah’s Ark-type rain. It was as if an ocean had formed in the skies and was dumping all of its water all at once. There were no signals; the helicopter was grounded.
He sat in the troop truck for an hour as the rain pummeled the ground, and Ramos bitched and moaned in the front about losing Jack and Easy’s trail. Shark thanked the rain. But eventually, it did let up. They spent a miserably wet night at the back of the truck.
But Ramos perked up. The helicopter had spotted something significant from the air. That was enough to make him startle awake from his doze, making him tense, making him feel ineffective. He wanted Easy and Crazy Choos out of the line of fire.
The truck started moving after that phone call. They drove for about half an hour, then stopped. Someone banged the side of the truck, the signal for them to disembark. He jumped out with Juan next to him. “Juan,” Ramos motioned him over. “Good man,” he said as he looked at Shark. “Who’s that with you?”
“My cousin—”
“Right, Diego…Acosta.”
“Yes,Hefe.”
He nodded with an oily smile. Shark’s interpretation of Juan’s cunning and his steadfast support, even without getting paid—another shocker—went up a notch. He would truly be burned if they found out that Shark wasn’t related in any way to Juan. It made him think that Juan needed to also disappear, maybe.
He slung an arm around the man’s neck and Shark noticed how his mouth tightened. There was some deep anger and hate going on with him. Shark was sure of it. But Juan’s features evened out. He would have made an excellent undercover person. He was doing a superb job of it right now.
“Come, cousin,” Ramos said, looking over his shoulder. Shark followed and they walked to a precarious drop-off. At the bottom was what looked like a wreck. He looked longer and harder. It was a rusted-out vehicle. His thoughts suspended: it was from Easy and their mission. Could they have…? He didn’t want to finish that thought.
“I want you and your cousin to go down there and check for bodies. Can you do that for me, Juan?”
“Sí, patron.” He looked over at Shark, and he gave Juan a nod. Fuck Ramos. He wasn’t going to climb his lazy ass down there. It was much easier to risk two of his men. It wasn’t going to be an easy descent, that was for sure. But there was no place to land a chopper with all those rocks and water.
Shark accepted the rope one of the guards handed him along with rappelling gear. He started to assemble two harnesses as Ramos turned and walked away to settle back in the air-conditioned cab of the truck.
“Stupid, lazy pig,” Juan muttered under his breath.
“You know how to do this, Juan?”
