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Chapter 28
Grayson
Thetwowomenstandingin front of me are as fake as they come. Their lips, their boobs, their hair. Nothing about them is real. How do I know this? Because I’ve spent more time with a real woman lately and now the fake ones stand out a mile.
When I was with Nora last night, I freaked myself out. I panicked, plain and simple. I felt something I’ve never felt before and as soon as she fell asleep, I left. I went back, like a coward, when I knew she would be at work and posted her key through her letterbox. I didn’t trust myself not to use it and be in her house making her dinner, torturing myself with how perfect she is, reminding me how badly I want her, but how I don’t deserve her.
The fear that I’ve gone and fallen for a girl I was never meant to fall for plays on my mind, along with my fear of relationships, and that I’m never going to be enough for her. My fear drove me away from probably the best thing to ever happen to me.
I’d walked here like a zombie after work, managing to avoid Liam all day by some kind of miracle. I hadn’t intended to pick anyone up, but standing at the bar, drowning my sorrows, I accidentally attracted the attention of the women beside me.
The blonde leans in closer to me, her sweet sickly perfume makes my stomach roll. “So, gorgeous, what do you do?” Her talons run up the side of my arm, making me shiver. I’ve got a thing against really long nails – gives me the heebie-jeebies. I shudder at the memory of Louisa’s nails from the office visit not long ago. The woman in front of me doesn’t notice, though. I assess her, trying to figure out why I feel nothing. She’s attractive, it’s just all fake. Her blonde hair is wrong, the red lipstick she has on is wrong. Everything is wrong.
“Uhh, I’m in corporate real estate,” I reply, not overly paying attention to her. I lift my cool beer to my lips to calm the ongoing storm inside me, but it does nothing.
“Oooh, that sounds interesting,” the blonde purrs. I can bet my arse she has no idea what corporate real estate even is, if she’s even listening to me at all. The way her eyes eat up every inch of me tells me she probably can’t even remember my name.
Is this what I used to be like? Is this how I was with women? Non-committal, not actually listening to them. Fuck, I hate myself if it was.
I look at the blonde and the redhead again, willing my body to react to either one of them. But nothing, nada, zip, zilch. Not even a twitch from my dick.
“Fuck,” I curse, running my hand down my face.
“Oh, honey, are you sad? Want us to cheer you up?” The blonde leans in closer, too close. My adrenaline kicks in just in time as she tries to plant a kiss on me. I duck and weave out of the way, causing her to stumble slightly. As I step to the side, I catch sight of Jess sitting alone at a table. My head cocks to the left, confused. Then my body breaks out in an immediate sweat as I see Nora and Zoey exit the toilet.
Zoey leads Nora over to the table in a flurry of quick movements. Her head is down but I can see her cheeks are flushed – Fuck, has she been crying? When she lifts her head, giving me a look of utter disgust. I want to run to Nora and talk to her, touch her and tell her how I feel so I can be with her. I don’t want anything to do with the two women behind me. Nora’s sad eyes lock with mine as the two women lean in close, whispering things in my ear that I’m not listening to.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.This is bad. What, the ever-loving-fuck, am I doing?My hands are suddenly incredibly sweaty, and my heart feels like it’s free-falling down a thousand flights of stairs. I’m a goddamn moron even entertaining these women, when the one I want is right fucking there.
Nora pales and grabs her bag, quickly hugging Jess before she rushes towards the exit, hurrying to the cool London air. And I feel like my whole heart is fracturing from the look of pure hurt in her eyes as she gives me a fleeting look on the way past.
Before I can form a thought, my feet follow her, rushing through the exit with so force that the door to the street flies open and slams against the side of the building. I whip around, searching for my dark haired beauty that I stupidly, stupidly let go.
When I spot her practically running away from the bar, I shout her name, but she doesn’t turn around. Instead, she speeds up. I run to catch up with her and when I do, my hand lands on her shoulder, but I’m not prepared for what I see when she turns to face me.
Tears, a lot of them. Falling freely down her flushed cheeks. Guilt slams into me, hitting me square in the middle of my chest.She’s crying because of me.I lift my arms to pull her towards me, but her hands fly out, stopping me. “Fuck, baby, I’m—”
“Don’t Grayson,” she scolds harshly.
“I’m sorry… I don’t know what the fuck I was doing.” Which is true. When I think back to the moment, I freaked out last night and then to right now, being with her again, I feel like a different person. She makes me feel like things are good and right, and that scares the shit out of me because any encounter I’ve had with relationships has been met with pure chaos. My parents, my one night stands, even friends growing up... they all ended badly. I run my hands through my hair, tugging on the strands, giving absolutely no relief to the pain lancing through me.
“I don’t need to hear it. You can go back to those women. You clearly had an agenda because your key was in my house this evening. Was that a not-so-gentle hint that you were done with me? Have I been so fucking blind to all this?” Her words burn me, her tears gut me, the truth of my actions slapping me hard in the face.
I never meant to hurt her. I just felt blinded by something I couldn’t put into words, but I see it now. I see how fucking wrong I was to run. How fucking childish it was. And how badly I’ve messed things up.
I take her hand and place it on my chest, and even though she glares at me like she wants to murder me, she doesn’t move her hand. “Nora, I’m so fucking sorry. I panicked. Last night was… it was a lot. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m feeling, and I lost it. I thought I needed to give you space. I thought you deserved more. I didn’t… fuck, I don’t know. I never meant to hurt you.” Emotion lodges itself into my throat, stopping me from continuing. I need her to understand that there is no one else, but the words get stuck. “Look at me, please.”
She breaks into loud sobs as she stares at her hand on my chest, then our eyes connect. Hurt and betrayal replace the once warm caramel in her eyes with darkness, and I hate that I’m the reason for that. “How could you think this wouldn’t hurt me?” She swipes at the tears on her face with her free hand.
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I got too in my own head. My dad’s voice kept echoing in there, like a fucking broken record. But now I realise I was fucking wrong.”
She stiffens and assesses me now with fury. “Okay, first of all, your parents’ situation isn’t your situation. Second, we aren’t married, Grayson. We aren’t even officially a couple. We’re glorified fuck buddies, at best. So don’t stand there and feed me bullshit and hide behind excuses. We both went into this scared, but you said you wanted to be good for me.”
“Fuck!” I shout into the smoggy city air. “I was scared, okay? Iamscared. These…” I try to take a breath, but it’s stuck in my chest. I rub her hand over the area, and it eases slightly. “These feelings I have for you, I’ve never…” Fuck, what is going on? I feel like I can’t breathe. “I’ve never felt them before.”
Nora softens briefly as she swipes another tear away. She drops her hand from my chest, leaving me feeling empty. She takes measured steps away from me, away from the person who just destroyed everything we had. “Please, Nora, I’m sorry,” I say, silently pleading with her to not leave me.
“I need more than an apology right now. I need space. I’ve spent the last couple of months trying to convince myself that this was casual, and I wasn’t catching feelings for you, but guess what? I did and now my feelings are hurt.” Her eyes, filled with unshed tears, stare coldly. My shoulders slump forwards, the urge to ground myself becomes too much to ignore as I take in her confession. She has feelings for me? Maybe on some level I knew, I hoped, but I still didn’t let myself go there. My mouth parts, heart pounds, ready to explode any minute. Her eyes fill with tears again and it fucking kills me because all I want to do is wipe them away from her beautiful face and tell her that I feel the same. “You need to grow the fuck up and figure out what you want. And I don’t just mean with me. If this issue you have is deeper than me, then you need to plan out how you can move on from it. One thing I will say is that I can’t live with these blurred lines we’ve created.”
