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She spins around, frustration emanating from her. “I’m so sorry, Nora, please just wait…”
My body lurches with fear, I need to stop her but how the fuck do I do that? “We haven’t completed your list,” I say feebly, grasping at anything.
Fury builds on her face as she glances back over her shoulder. “Fuck the stupid list, it means nothing.” She heaves air into her lungs. “I can’t do this,” she sobs.
“Please don’t go. I don’t know how I can make this better. I don’t want to lose you.”
Her watery eyes meet mine, looking like blackened infinity pools, and the way her lip trembles breaks something inside of me. “What’s that saying? You can’t lose something you never had.”
Before I can stop her, she’s walking away from me again and I can’t fucking blame her. I fucked up, and I was careless with the one person who means the most to me. But what she doesn’t understand is that she’s taking my whole heart with her. It doesn’t belong to me anymore; I gave it to her, and I didn’t even realise.
Chapter 29
Nora
Aleadweightthudsinto the pit of my stomach as I walk away from Grayson.
The puff of air that escapes me involuntarily leaves my mouth forcefully, my chest caving inwards, as I stumble completely out of view of the restaurant and down towards the tube. The happiness I felt this week is snuffed out by a heavy feeling of foolishness.
The cool breeze from the approaching train grounds me. The voice over the tannoy in the station feels like they’re inside my chest. The rumble of the trains begins from my toes and travels to the tips of my ears. The air that I crave suddenly feels toxic in my lungs.
I shake the feeling, trying to weasel its way into my subconscious, the same one I felt months ago before I wrote my list. When I felt… empty. Like something was missing. Then Grayson had to go and help me – if I look back, I never stood a chance at resisting him. I knew on some level that I’d fall in love with him because I knew there was more to him than he lets on. Confusion builds in my mind, along with the prickle of irritation at myself for letting my feelings get in the way.
I clench my jaw tightly and squeeze my eyes closed as I take a deep inhale of the smoggy underground air. My movements are robotic and uncoordinated as I step onto the tube, the jolting motions of other passengers barely registering as my mind drifts to him.
I don’t know why I thought I could be the one to tame Grayson and his playboy ways. I shouldn’t be upset, I shouldn’t be angry, I should’ve prepared better for this. But I let my guard down. I started to trust him and let him in. Whatever that was between us a few nights ago was real. I didn’t imagine it; I know I didn’t. I can’t figure out his motives with me. One minute he tells me he wants me and the next he’s at a bar picking up women. I understand his parents’ marriage fell apart, and that was hard for him. In fact, I get it more than most people because I see it in patients at work.
What I can’t figure out is how can he be that way with me, so kind and show me a side to him that I know he doesn’t show many, but then pick up women at a bar? It feels like I’m being tossed aside. He said he’s never felt these feelings that he has for me before, but I had no idea he was feeling them because he left before I woke up. I want him to feel them and tell me and he’s obviously not ready to do that yet.
This list we’ve been doing was meant to be fun, and it has been for the most part. But now that I’m left with a heart that feels like it’s broken it feels a lot less fun.
I swipe the tears I didn’t realise were falling again from my cheek, ignoring the unwanted hurt lancing through my chest, where my stupid naïve heart still beats for him. When the train gets to my stop, I hastily speed past slow movers to the exit and when the fresh air hits me I inhale deeply.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
Grayson and I never made many promises to one another, but I can’t stop feeling hurt. I power-walk the four streets to my house, each step echoing in my ears.
My heart stumbles, my breath suddenly stuck in my throat and as soon as I open my front door, hot angry sobs are drowning out any silence in my hallway. My heart feels like delicate crystal in my chest, and any more damage and it might shatter. I curse because the truth is, I was in deeper than I even realised. Seeing him with those women confirmed that. It’s changed everything.
I clear my throat, dry my face and pull out my phone and text Jess and Zoey to let them know I’m fine. I ran out of there, faking illness and I couldn’t hang around because Jess would know I was lying.
Nora:I’m home, and okay. Going to bed x
I toss my phone onto the counter and drag myself upstairs. Relieving myself of my clothes that feel heavier somehow, I turn my shower on and crank up the heat filling the room with steam. When I step under the water, the steady thrumming of the jets soothes an ache inside me, and I lean into the release.
When I close my eyes, his face appears in my mind, taunting me with how his dark hair falls in effortless waves. Or how his grey eyes burned into my soul and reach depths no one else has ever dared to look. How my heart thumps just at the thought of him. My heart has never done that for anyone.
After what feels like hours, I turn off the shower and wrap myself in the fluffiest towel I can find as I hear a knock at my door. I quickly throw on some comfy clothes and head down to answer it.
Zoey and Jess burst through the door like a grade five hurricane, snacks and all. “Are you okay?” Zoey asks as she sets her bag down and pulls me into a hug, and those tears I tried so hard to keep back are right there again filling my eyes.
“I’m okay.” I sniff.
Jess looks at me over Zoey’s shoulder, her face full of questions. She has no idea why I’m crying or what the hell is going on. A jolt of guilt runs through me for keeping this from my sister.
When Zoey releases me, Jess takes my hand and guides us all to the living room.
I sigh as I plonk myself onto the sofa.
