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I shake it off and go look at food, too.
Food won’t get me in trouble.
We decide on potato chips. As we sit at the table with the bag, she asks quietly, “Do you feel like talking about what happened with Lolly?”
For the first time since that visit, I really let the whole thing in.
It hurts.
Every time she slips, it hurts, but this…this is just as bad as her thinking I was the man who hurt her when she was younger. She wasn’t hysterical this time, but that didn’t make it any better—in a way, it made it far worse. She washappythinking I was someone else.
Happy thinking I was my bastard of a father.
“I can’t believe she thought I was him,” I murmur. After a beat, “I guess I look like him or whatever, but…” I frown, “…I’mmadat her, Liv.”
She swallows her bite of chips and murmurs back, “I am, too.”
“Really?”
She nods. “You have a point about your looks, plus I know it’s not her fault, but I—God, I just don’t know how she could confuse you with someone so heartless. You don’tfeelheartless when you walk into a room.”
Although I like the way she said that, I sigh as I pick at my handful of chips. “I don’t know how she did it either, even though this isn’t the first time it’s happened. And I can’t help wondering how long she’d been thinking I was my dad. Just today? The past few days? The last week? I mean, she hadn’t called me byanyname in a while, or given any real indication that she knew who I was—she hadn’t talked to me about old times or—or—” I scoff. “I just assumed she knew I was me. Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?”
Dejection overwhelms me at the idea of constantly operating under the impression that Lolly has no idea who the fuck I am.
I look at Liv sadly. “Am I not supposed toevertrust her to know me?”
Regarding me sadly, too, she says quietly, “Um…maybe.”
It’s like knives are being stabbed into my ears.
My gaze slides away to stare at the chips still sitting in my hand.
“Maybe pre—” her voice cracks, so she clears her throat, “—prepare for the worst or whatever, right?”
Yeah…I guess that’s right.
I’ve said it before because I’ve known it all along: the worst is yet to come. Lolly is never going to get better. She’s only going to continue to fade away. And up to now, I’ve only beenworriedshe wouldn’t remember me. I haven’t actually been bracing myself for it. If I had been, maybe today wouldn’t have caught me so off-guard. Maybe I would’ve been able to look at her with patient love instead of shock and…anddisgust.
Why did I not learn from the first time this happened?
Why?
I start eating my chips purely because I’m afraid that if I don’t do something besides think, I’m going to end up with tears in my eyes.
We eat in silence for a minute.
Then Liv whispers, “I’m sorry.”
I watch as she watches her fingers twist together.
“I’m really sorry you have to go through this, Landon. I wish I could make it better.”
There are a few different things I would like to say to that—words of gratitude, assurances that she does help me. But what ends up coming out is a low, “Thank you for letting me hold your hand.”
Her fingers stop moving as she inhales. After she exhales, they resume their fidgeting.
Then she nods and, still not looking at me, confesses haltingly, “I liked it more than I should have.”
