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But insisting that to myself is just wrong, because saying he doesn’t make mefeelis an outright lie.
He makes me feel so at-peace I swear my lungs work better when he’s near. So happy that my laughs go deeper and that being goofy with him and Rae is as fun as sitting quietly on the couch with them.
There’s been a lot of that this week—a lot of peace, a lot of happiness—because the three of us have spent every single evening together. I’ve loved it. So have they.
Yes, he makes me feel so at-peace that I worry about him when he isn’t near…so happy that when Rae and I are the only ones around, something seems to be missing.
There’s been a lot of that this week, too. Lots of me worrying about how he’s faring with the Mason stuff and him not having me and Rae there for his morning visits with Lolly (only one of which hasn’t been bad). There’s been lots of us feeling impatient to see him after work and school.
It’s because being his friend isn’t enough. I want more than that. Anything less than all of him is not enough.
The thoughts pierce me straight to my core.
I rub at my face with both hands.
If things were different.
I’ve admitted it before and I’ll admit it again: if things were different, I would put myself out there. If I didn’t know how badly a relationship can affect how a woman cares for her child, I would give him a chance—and that would only be if he wanted one in the first place. Which he doesn’t.
Except…
…well…
…I’m notabsolutely certainhe doesn’t.
He called me‘sweetheart’one time and‘baby’just the other day.
He’s been telling me I’m beautiful.
He shivered that time I touched his arm in my kitchen.
He trusts me with his vulnerabilities and allows me to do the same with him.
He likes to hold my hand.
But friends hold hands, don’t they? And I already know he’s attracted to me. And of course we trust each other, because we’re buddies. And guys call girls names like that all the time—wecallRaenames like that and neither of us wants to be romantic with her.
But he kissed me in real life that one time, straight on the mouth, as only an interested guy would.
But he had a girlfriend.
But he broke up with her and started spending his free time with me.
But we said we’d only be—
“God!” I burst out before I can stop myself. Then I cringe, hoping it wasn’t loud enough to wake Rae.
This is ridiculous.
Whether he and I seriously want each other or not, it just can’t happen. I know that. I’ve known it from the start.
I flop back on my bed, annoyed at myself, and smack around my nightstand for my phone. It’s an older iPhone that I got for free with a plan from Wal-Mart some time ago because I need the e-mail option and whatnot, and Landon put Spotify on it a few days ago. He was paying for a family plan with his ex, but he kicked her off after they broke up, and now I get to hear all kinds of music anytime I want.
I want to hear some now. I’m too awake to fall back asleep easily, but I don’t want to get out of bed, so some sort of distraction from my thoughts is in order.
“Hallelujah” by Theory of a Deadman will work for now, I decide. I’ve saved songs I already know I like, but since Landon and I have similar tastes, he has suggested some from his own library and this is one of them.
Closing my eyes, I focus on the quiet melody and soothing vocals.
