AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Just listen. Don’t think. Just listen.
Can’t actually stop myself from thinking, though, so after a minute of enjoying the song, Landon drifts back into my mind—but at least it’s not the naked-shouldered, name-groaning, lovemaking Landon I was dreaming about earlier. I just reflect on how much he helped by listening to my childhood horrors and supporting me, how thankful I am that he’s offered to listen more anytime I need him to.
And I think about his father. What an absolute fucking—I honestly could not believe how he acted. As if it wasn’t enough of a shock for Landon to come across him so randomly, it happened after a not-so-encouraging visit with Lolly, and the guy was a huge asshole.
I’m still pissed about it, because what’swrongwith him? He was so condescending, impatient, tactless…. Thank goodness I paid no attention to what all he said after Rae called him a prick, because if I’d registeredone wordagainst her on top of what he said to Landon, it would’ve sent me over the edge.
Ugh, that bastard.
Landon still hasn’t talked to me about any of what happened. I haven’t pressed him because I know he’ll come to me when he’s ready; wrapping his mind around it will just take time.
Another song with an easy melody and nice vocals soon comes on: Lana Del Rey’s “Love.” I recently happened upon it on one of the front-page playlists, not in Landon’s saved music, but something about it kind of reminds me of him.
While I listen, I ponder it, and I decide itisthe easy, nice sound of the song. It sounds sort of like how I feel when I’m with him.
Not becauseIlove….
My stomach does something gymnastic at the mere thought.
No, not because I love him,I reiterate.Just…because.
A flash of dream apprehends me: his naked shoulders under my hands, his warm voice groaning my name against my ear, his strong fingers gripping my bare thigh and the back of my neck.
I push it away again, pinch myself again, and turn on some Breaking Benjamin.
Nothing lovey-dovey about that.
*
The days with Landon are starting to blend together in what I must admit is the greatest way.
Although my struggle to keep my thoughts in line seems to intensify in some way every time I see him, even that can’t ruin how simplygreatthings are with him and me and Rae. It’s hard to believe she and I lived just one door down from him for whole years before we got to know him, because knowing him is the best thing we have going on in our little world.
We don’t see him when he volunteers or between waking up in the mornings and going to school and work, but we do during the rest of our free time. Doing things with him is just a part of our life now—and it’s still exciting, not boring at all, even if we’re doing dinner and a movieagainor visiting Lolly on the weekendsagainor going grocery shoppingagain. Our plan to trick-or-treat with him on Halloween kind of felt like a big deal when we set it up, but by the time we’re going, it’s as effortlessly fun and relaxed as any other time spent with him. It’s just another thing we’re doing together.
This is the happiest I’ve ever been.
I’m happier than I ever knew I could be.
But…sometimes I feel precarious.
Like I said, no, it’s not ruining anything, but it’s there. Whether Landon is hugging me or accidentally bumping me while we cook dinner, the physical contact ripples over every nerve ending I have. When he compliments me, I feel like there’s warm gold in my veins instead of blood. And I’m alwaysawareof him—how he’s breathing, how he looks at me versus how he looks at other people, how deep his laughter goes, the fit of his clothes on him, the tone of his voice.
It’s nothing,I keep insisting to myself.It’s nothing.
To prove I’m steady, I agree to a night out by ourselves after Rae excitedly comes home with a sleepover invitation for the Friday directly after Halloween.
I’m excited for her as well as myself. Very excited.
But it’s just because this will be my first real bit of no-kid time in years, not because I get to spend it with Landon.
*
I have to keep reminding myself of that as the weekend draws closer and closer: I’mnotthrilled about Friday night just because Landon and I will be alone together.
And I have to remind myself of it as we text Friday morning to plan where we should eat dinner.
And as I get Rae’s stuff together in the afternoon while she bounces around and tells me what her classmate Shaylee said the sleepover party will entail.
