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Not only does she not know who I am, she also doesn’t know whosheis.
A lump forms in my throat.
“I’m your grandson. Landon Lucas Wintermute. I’m twenty-seven. You and Pop took me in when I was a month old because my parents didn’t want me.” She frowns and I rush on, “I know you don’t think that’s true a lot of the time. I know you don’t remember. But you did that for me.”
I shove a hand through my hair.
“There are—there are pictures somewhere of you holding me before I could even crawl, pictures of you helping me walk, pictures of both of you teaching me how to cook and of us on Halloween and on my birthdays and at Christmas. You took me to school and picked me up every day and youalwaysasked how things went, and when I got older and didn’t want to tell you for whatever reason, you’d say,‘Well, honey, I’ll listen if you want me to.’And I knew you would, and sometimes I went back and took you up on that because I could trust you. You were patient and understanding. You gave kick-ass advice—I know I didn’t follow it every time, but I damn sure learned from when I didn’t, and I made sure to keep what you said in mind for the next time.”
I draw a wobbly breath and try to clear my throat, but my voice doesn’t grow any stronger.
“You taught me way, way more than I can tell you about right now. But here’s what Icantell you, Lolly: you loved me. You loved me like I wasn’t some mistake your son made—you loved me like Iwasa son, and I can tell you without feeling the least bit bad that you raised me to be a better man than the son you really had. And I…” eyes stinging, I shake my head at her, “…I am devastatedthat you don’t remember that.”
Her frown of confusion deepens.
I keep talking.
“I mean, maybe memories come back to you sometimes. Maybe when I’m not around to talk to you about them. I don’t always get how your mind does or doesn’t work. But I hope you can remember some things every now and then, because me and you and Pop had some really great memories. We never did anything wild, never traveled a whole lot, never spent a bunch of money, but our life wassogood. You guys were so good to me. You were the very, very best parents I could’ve…” I push a teardrop off my cheek, “…damn it. Well, like I said, I can’t sit here and tell you about our entire lives. I just wanted to get this off my chest. Wanted to say I’ve been trying hard not to let this get on top of me, but I can’t help it. I love you and you’re drifting away from me, and Pop isn’t here anymore, and I just feel so fucking helpless. Some real shitty things have come out of your disease, Lolly—things I never thought I’d see from you—and I try to remind myself—and other people try to remind me, too—that this isn’t the real you. I had years and years with the real you. And I guess I should shut the hell up because I’ve been so blessed and I know it. You and Pop were absolute blessings in my life.”
Once again, shame coils through me. I sound like a whiny….
I get the sudden feeling that Liv is standing here, reminding me that I’m not whining because watching Lolly decay has been no easy thing. It’s been traumatic for me.
Just like that, I’m frustrated.
“Actually,” I say slowly, “yeah, I know I was lucky to have you and Pop like I did, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’vesufferedduring all this other shit. That day you thought I was the man who hurt you when you were younger? And,Christ,when you thought I was my dad—Lolly, okay, I get it, I look like him or whatever, but I’m still mad about that becausethat guysucks.” I clench my jaw as I think back on seeing him. “I know he’s your son, but he fucking sucks. I met him for the first time in my life not very long ago and he was a jackass. He was rude tome,his own son, and he was rude toLiv-Andria, the most amazing girl ever. And I know that happened after you mistook me for him, not before, but still. You have no idea how much it hurt to be not justhim—not justonepiece of shit—in your mind, but two. Himandthe other dude you started screaming about.” I remember the horrible shock of that day, too, vividly. “That was the first time you said you don’t have a grandson. First time you ever threw anything at me. I had a bruise from that TV remote, you know. God, Lolly, this has all just—you’ve just been—”
I close my eyes and press my lips together, afraid I’m going to really start crying.
Breathe. Breathe, Landon.
“I guess,” I say frailly, “what I’m really, really trying to say is I love you. I think I said it a time or two already, but it’s not like I can say it too much, right?”
As I reopen my eyes, my chin trembles uncontrollably and my chest aches, but I look right at her bewildered, worn, pretty, familiar face and make my voice work just one more time.
“Lolly—Nadine Wintermute—my heart is broken, but I love you with every piece of it. I’m sorry I’ve been angry. I’m sorry for the times I was too upset and scared to visit you. I miss the way we used to be, that’s all.”
She just looks at me.
I look back at her and wait to see how she reacts.
Wait to seeifshe reacts.
Because I can’t leave until I—
“I’m…”
I sit up a little straighter, sniffle, watch her frown go from confused to mildly dismayed.
“…I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings.”
I press a hand to my mouth, but the tears still burst out of me.
That’s notmyLolly apologizing. She’s not here with me. But the Lolly she’s turned into has listened at least well enough to see I’m hurting because of her, andshe issorry.
It’s so small. So, so small. I don’t think she even remembers two minutes ago when I explainedwhyI’m sad, because I have much more than just hurt feelings—who knows what she may be thinking she did to me? She may think she’s apologizing for not sending me a birthday card.
Yes, this is small and it’s most definitely fleeting, but it’ssomething.
