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And I recall reports of Kelle feeding Rae poorly and not bothering to potty train her; as if adjusting to caring for a child hadn’t been challenging enough for single, broke, nineteen-year-old Liv, she had to spend money on diapers and then pull-ups until Rae got the toilet thing down.
I’m mad about what bullshit all of that is—and, all over again, how much of a jerk Mandi’s dad was earlier. So I step back into Rae’s room and go kneel by her bed.
She’s still making scared little noises, now tossing in her sleep.
I lay a comforting hand on her head and murmur, “Shh. You’re having a nightmare, Rae. Your mom isn’t here. You’re with Annie and Landon. You’re okay. Shh.”
She stills, quiets for a few moments. Then she lets out another pitiful sound.
I gently stroke her hair. “You’re safe. Just dreaming. Annie and Landon love you.”
Although she doesn’t wake up, I think some part of her brain latches on to what I’ve said. With a sigh, she relaxes and falls silent.
I wait a minute to make sure she’s really calmed down.
Deciding she has, I whisper again, “Annie and Landon love you,” and then I get to my feet.
I remember, too, that Liv told me Kelle never comforted Rae when she woke up crying. She only ever bitched at her for not sleeping.
I’ll absolutely never understand how people can be cruel to children.
Sure, they can be brats sometimes. They can be incredibly messy and loud. They’re definitely a huge, free-time-sapping responsibility and they do need discipline. But they’re—they’re justlittle.They’re still learning how to exist, still growing. I know I’ve lucked out because Rae is exceptionally well-behaved, and I know people say you really can’t understand parenthood until youarea full-time parent, and I know there are kids out there who actually are…well, evil, because evil adults have to come from somewhere. But I have the capacity to imagine all kinds of scenarios in which Rae could get aggravating, and Ican’timagine being mean to her.
Even if she told me she hates me out of frustration, like Liv said she told her while we were in our fight, I wouldn’t be mean to her.
Even if Liv and I sleep together in eleven days and end up pregnant on accident, I won’t be mean to our child for coming along sooner than I thought he or she would.
And I don’t know if Liv has ever thought aboutthatin particular—about what our future looks like beyond living together—but I know she and Rae are the family I want whether we ever add to it or not.
I should talk to her about it.
I should ask if they want to be mine from here on into forever, because I’m sure as hell theirs.
“Sweet dreams this time, angel,” I wish to Rae.
After I double-check that her nightlight is on, I go back into the living room and find another angel curled up on the couch where I was before, snoring cutely.
I make sure our phones are nearby so we’ll hear our alarms in the morning. Then I turn the TV off and scoot her around so we can both lie comfortably. Once I’m stretched out alongside her, she drapes an arm and a leg over me, humming contentedly in her sleep.
I’m content, too, as I wrap an arm around her shoulders and close my eyes.
Yeah, this is exactly where I want to be.
|| 21 || Liv-Andria
“Queen Annie,” Landon sighs as he comes up to me with a billowy trash bag so I can put pizza-greased paper plates in it, “I’ve just felt a raindrop. I’m afraid we’re finally about to get poured on.”
Not for the first time in the last thirty minutes, I look up at the thick gray clouds crowding the sky. We decided on the park for Rae’s birthday party because it’s free, roomy enough for a bunch of kids and their parents, and our Texas winter hasn’t been very cold during the day; we hoped we could party clear of the storm that was predicted for this afternoon, but luck just might be against us on it.
I say, “King Landon, I’m afraid you’re right.”
I glance over at where Rae and several of her friends are chasing each other with their plastic wands—or, in the cases of the three little boys, their plastic swords. Then I peer toward the pavilion we were hoping to have her party under, but there’s still a mass of people there, doing whatever they’re doing.
“We’ve still got presents to open and cake to eat. What should we do?”
“Ummmm, serve cake while Rae opens presents? Like, instead of before or after?”
I look at him thoughtfully. “That might work. Let her have her own piece of cake at home if she doesn’t have time to eat it here before it rains.”
