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Looking puzzled, he nods. “Why? What?”
My sadness is doubled. Tripled.
The more I think about him trying to act normal—the more I think about him only calling me at the end of what had to be a long, long day….
Why?
“Why did you wait all this time to tell me?” I ask.
It’s testament to how broken up he is that the noise of laughter he makes is just an exhalation. “Are you really asking me that?”
An understandable response, I guess, since I haven’t been very friendly with him lately. “Well, I know things with us are—are—”
“Awkward?” he supplies, eyebrows lifting. “Confusing as hell? Rather painful to think about? You shut me out faster than a slamming door, Liv-Andria, and I still have absolutely no idea why. All I know is I did something to piss you off, and after the Wal-Mart thing—I mean,isit surprising I waited so long to come to you with this? I thought of you as soon as I left Lolly, but then I thought,‘No, Landon, Liv doesn’t like you anymore. She won’t want to be bothered with this.’So, yeah, I just went on with my day. And—” his look abruptly turns imploring, “—and I’m sorry I finally had to talk to you. I don’t want to upset you further and I know you probably can’t wait for me to leave, but…Liv…” just as abruptly, the misery is back in his eyes, “…this thing with Lollyhurtsand I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it.”
Once again, his words ring in my ears.
‘No, Landon, Liv doesn’t like you anymore.’
‘I’m sorry I finally had to talk to you.’
That…burns.
He’s still looking at me with that desolation in his eyes. I can’t look away despite how terrible I feel that he has just apologized for being upset about his grandma…and that he thinks I don’t like him.
Don’t go down this road,a voice in my head warns me.
Why not?another one wants to know, and it’s louder than the first.
It was easier to turn my back on Landon the other day when I could see my boundaries clearly. Now, though—after seeing him side-by-side with Wyatt, maybe—I find myself thinking he deserves an explanation for why I’ve acted how I have. I don’t care what Wyatt wants or thinks or how he feels about my decisions, but at least some of that isn’t true where Landon is concerned. I can’t seem to help that fact.
But…
…I’ve never said it aloud to anyone before.
Well, I did tell my mom, but I don’t think she counts since she didn’t care whatsoever, just acted like it was no big deal, as if it was something I’d made up or blown out of proportion. For as unhelpful as she was, I may as well have said nothing.
I’ve never even said this stuff to Rae; I’ve never told her why it’s always only me and her. Her questions about Landon these last few days have been met with the shortest, vaguest answers I could come up with.
I’m not budging on that one. She doesn’t need to knowthatmuch. However, I do think Landon deserves the chance to understand.
The seriousness of what I’m about to say has me frowning.
I draw a breath, hold it for a moment, and tell him upon its release, “I don’t dislike you.”
His expression changes slightly, but I can’t really read it.
More softly than before, I go on. “You don’t know very much about what I’ve gone through. My—my mother was not a good one at all. Shealwayshad men around, and some of them…uh…I mean, she…let….”
I briefly close my eyes on the memories that will never, ever fade.
And I’m frozen.
Quicker than my desire to explain arose, I’m frozen by the inability to follow it.
I can’t talk about this right now after all.
I hurry past the thought. “It’s just that I’ve seen firsthand how a man can get in the way of a woman’s responsibility to her kids. I know you don’t want to date me, but I’ll still never forget the absolute nightmare my childhood was. I’ll never forget what it taught me. Kelle was well on her way to putting Rae through whatwewent through, but I got Rae out before too much damage was done, thankfully. So what you have to understand is that I need to keep us away from things that could hurt us in ways I swore to God I wouldneverallow.”
