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I knew what that apology meant, and it made me feel worse. She realized I was the reason Kyle and I couldn’t have a baby together, and she felt sorry for me. I might as well acknowledge it. “So I guess it’s clear. I was the reason we couldn’t have a baby.”
“That’s not true. The doctors told you that you could have children.”
“Clearly they were wrong.”
Sharon looked at me with the same expression she’d had when she came to tell me about my parents’ accident. She knew there was nothing she could say that would make me feel better. No words could fix this. Neither of us said anything. Somewhere down the street, a lawn mower roared. In the woods behind Sharon’s house, leaves rustled as squirrels jumped from one tree limb to another. Above us, birds sang. Soon Noah’s heavy breathing joined the surrounding sounds. He had fallen asleep, the top of his head resting on the swing’s chain. I hadn’t gotten more than two hours of sleep a night since Kyle left, and I envied Noah at that moment, wishing I could fall asleep no matter how uncomfortable I was. Sharon picked him up and carried him inside.
I pumped my legs until my swing started swaying again. I leaned back and looked up as it picked up momentum. The bright-blue sky made me want to cry. How could it be so beautiful when life was so ugly?
Chapter 32
I walked up and down the aisles of Hannaford with a lone carton of strawberries in my shopping basket, trying to decide what I wanted to eat. Pasta, chicken, soup. Nothing looked appealing. I didn’t like cooking just for myself and had been living on deli sandwiches and yogurt for the past few weeks. Salads, I thought, and made my way across the store back toward the produce.
As I placed a head of romaine lettuce into a plastic bag, I started to feel self-conscious, as if someone was watching me. I scanned the area. Over by the fruit, two of the hockey wives, Missy Sullivan and Janet Cummings, whispered to one another, sneaking furtive glances at me.
Did you hear? Kyle knocked up the young singer at the Penalty Box,I imagined Janet saying.
Well, Nikki couldn’t give him a baby,imaginary Missy replied.
A tingling sensation started in my chest and crept up my neck. Gossip spread like wildfire through this town. Before long, people would be whispering and pointing at me or casting sympathetic looks wherever I went. I’d have to walk through downtown wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap to disguise myself.
I closed my eyes to clear my mind. When I opened them again, both women were flat-out staring at me. Missy waved and Janet smiled. They each made their way around the bins of apples toward me. I swallowed hard and took a step backward, bumping my hip against a shopping cart.
“Nikki, how are you?” Missy asked. Her eyes were too wide for the question to be sincere.
“We haven’t seen you at the games lately,” Janet said. “Is everything all right?” She placed her hand on my forearm, as if by making physical contact she would be someone I would want to confide in.
I moved my arm so that her hand fell away. “Everything’s fine. I’ve just been busy with work.”
Missy and Janet exchanged a look. I broadened my stance and held my basket up by my chest as if it were a shield protecting my heart, waiting for them to come right out and ask what they really wanted to know.
“Kyle has been playing some of his best hockey,” Missy said. “He’s been a real scoring machine.”
Did she smirk, or was I imagining the double meaning?
“We’re having ladies’ night next Saturday at the Penalty Box. You should join us,” Janet said.
At the mention of the pub where Kyle had met Casey, I slouched against the shelf, knocking a plastic carton of spinach to the floor with my elbow.Are they baiting me, or am I being paranoid?
Missy leaned toward me and looked over her shoulder as if she were confirming no one could overhear what she was about to say. “There’s a singer there who’s supposed to be really good.”
My face burned in embarrassment, and I was grateful for inheriting my mother’s olive complexion, which camouflaged blushing. Never mind disguising myself—I’d have to leave this tiny community. I scanned the produce area, looking for the fastest way to escape.
“We’re meeting at seven,” Janet said. “Having dinner first.”
“I—I—I have plans Saturday,” I said, faltering. Missy started to say something else, but I was on the move, fleeing for the exit, where I ditched my basket with the romaine lettuce and strawberries and sprinted toward the parking lot.
I was kneeling in front of the flower bed, pulling weeds, when I heard Dana’s car rumbling up the street. The noise was so loud that I could hear it with my headphones on. Still, the sound made me smile.She’s worried about me,I thought,stopping by to make sure I’m doing okay without Kyle.I turned off the true-crime podcast I was listening to and slipped my earbuds into my pocket as she pulled into the driveway.
She wore an old DeMarco’s Diner T-shirt that was the same shade of green as her eyes. Seeing the logo for my parents’ restaurant made me picture them there: my mom leading customers to a table; my dad in the back whipping up orders; Dana and me sitting at the counter with plates of ravioli in front of us, watching him.
Dana held up a take-out bag from Declan’s. “I got you a Waldorf salad.” As she made her way down the walkway, the smell of fried food filled the air.
“Why do I smell french fries?” I asked.
“I’m having a Hawaiian burger,” she said.
At the kitchen table, she opened a Styrofoam container, revealing a heaping pile of shoestring fries and a burger on a toasted brioche roll. Teriyaki sauce and pineapple chunks oozed from its sides. My stomach hurt just looking at it.
