Page 23 of If Only You Knew


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We are both babysitting our younger siblings while our mothers are out shopping for the big barbecue that’s happening tonight at Beau’s house. Both kids fell asleep on the lounger by my side, their hands intertwined. Shane keeps throwing glances my way. I can see so much love coming off his gaze, I can’t help the smile that’s constantly on my face.

I see movement in my periphery and look over to see both Grant and Laney beginning to stir. Soon they’re blinking their eyes, adjusting to the sunshine. Their sweet little faces light up when they take in their surroundings and remember they are at the pool.

After taking them for a quick restroom break, Ellie and I get them lathered in sunscreen again and put their floaties on. Both are learning to swim, but I’m too paranoid to put them in a pool without the extra protection.

Luckily, both are still a little groggy and not fighting the floaties, as they’re a bitch to put on after applying sunscreen. Once they’re set, Beau and Shane begin screaming that the kids can’t catch them.

Laney and Grant take off, jumping into the pool, belly first. The sound is horrendous, and I’m convinced someone will emerge from the water crying, but when both break through the water, so much laughter surrounds me, it’s hard not to laugh along with them. The kids catch up to Beau and Shane and begin tackling them the best they can with their arms engulfed by the floating devices in the way.

Ellie and I decide to sit at the edge of the water and put our feet in. I can’t help but look around me and appreciate how far my family has come since we moved to Nebraska three years ago.

Feeling the water surrounding my feet while I kick them forward and back, Shane comes up to me, leaving Beau behind to get attacked by both kids. Beau is a saint letting those children harass him, but he does it with a smile on his face. Shane saddles up to me, putting himself between my legs. He kisses the inner portion of my knee, and I can feel the goosebumps emerge on the surface of my skin, and I swear it’s not from the cold water.

“Hey, baby, wanna come in?” Shane asks as he continues to kiss me along my inner thigh.

“Can you keep it PG right now, Shane? We have young eyes and ears in this pool,” Ellie scoffs, although her tone is playful.

“Oh, Ellie, you’re asking for a lot. I can’t keep my hands off the woman I love.” Shane looks from Ellie to me and gives me that megawatt smile. Each moment together feels like a memory that I want to capture and add to a jar so I can carry them around.

“Can you believe in a few short weeks we will be ending our junior year and finally be seniors? I feel like just yesterday you were pining over Becca when she came our freshman year,” Ellie continues. I know she’s been super emotional about this next one being our last year. We’ve talked a lot about it, but I don’t see myself ever losing what I have with her, even if I’m in college, most likely states away.

“We’ve got to make the best of it. I know that moving away is something I’ve always wanted to experience, especially in the Navy. That’s why there are letters, and I bet this whole email thing is something we can try as well,” Shane states with such a positive mindset while the anxiety that it provokes in me feels like it’s all-consuming.

Parting ways with Shane, even though our plan is to make this work long-distance, brings me a lot of sleepless nights, even with it being over a year away. I can’t help it. Add to that this email stuff, I feel so clueless. I don’t understand how something like electronic mail is going to take off. It’s not like everyone has access.

I am more traditional with my letters. Plus, it’s fun to have those saved up in a box. I already have shoe boxes filled with notes from Ellie that we send between classes when we pass one another down the hall. Shane, too, will write me letters while in school here and there, and I can’t help but blush at the thought of the last one.

My Becs,

I’m sitting here in Mr. Gromer’s geometry class and it’s beyond boring. I can’t wait for the weekend to start. I can’t wait to see you in that new bikini you bought the other day. What was it? Pink? Honestly, it could be the ugliest shade of brown and I’d still love it. Anything on you makes me drool. I can’t wait to hold you, kiss you, and whisper how much I love you while looking up at our favorite cluster of stars. You are the most incredible person and I feel lucky that you love me back, Becs.

That being said, I’m going to ravage you this weekend. Maybe we’ll find a little dark corner at the BBQ and strip that little bikini off you while I take one of your nipples in my mouth and feel you writhe beneath me. Hearing you moan and whisper my name while I put my hands down your bikini bottoms and put my fingers inside you. Feel you grip me as you fuck my hand. Shit, now I’m getting hard, in geometry of all places. I better stop writing this letter before I get called on and have to stand up to write the answer on the board. That would not go over well.

I love you, Becs.

Always Yours,

Shane xoxo

While I’m distracted, Shane takes it upon himself to pull me into the water. The change in temperature makes me squeal, and I can’t stop the giggling that follows. He pulls me under with him and I cling onto him. My vision is blurry, but I can see him looking at me underwater. We kiss briefly before we both need to come up for air.

When we emerge from the water, I am still holding onto him, with my arms around his neck and looking right into his eyes. When we look at one another, the connection feels even more powerful than it used to. Each gaze at me, it feels like he sees into my soul, and I start to wonder if we are truly put on this earth for one person because it feels like all my paths have led to Shane.

* * *

Later that afternoon, we all dry off while Beau’s dad, Luke, stands at the grill with Kirk, chatting about the basketball playoffs between Houston and Utah. Neither team is a favorite between them, but they go back and forth on stats and which player will win particular accolades. Janna, my mom, and Candace, Beau’s mom, are all sitting at the outdoor table, drinking homemade margaritas and laughing about something they saw at the market.

I look around and realize the only other parent not in attendance is Mrs. Philips. She never hangs out with us as a group. I always thought with time she’d warm up to the idea, especially since my mom does not have someone by her side. Mrs. Philips would never have to feel like the odd one out as she’d have a partner in that department. But she always claims to be busy.

I think she’s got one foot out the door when it comes to this town. Maybe she’s waiting for Shane to finish high school to relocate. I’m not too sure. I don’t focus on many conversations with Shane about his mom as I don’t want to say something rude about her. I know Shane respects her, especially after she raised him on her own for the majority of his life. The portion where his father was around full-time, Shane was too young to recollect.

My mom breaks free of her conversation with the other women and looks around. I see the look of concern on her face and she starts to whip her head around, scanning the backyard. She says something which I can only assume is about my brother and Laney, and Janna begins to scan the backyard, both standing up.

Soon we are all searching for the little ones. I run toward the pool and see it’s empty. The relief I feel at this realization is instant. Thank goodness for late sunsets because there’s enough light to see around without needing flashlights. Unlike California, Nebraska backyards are spacious and there are always great places to hide.

Shane and I take off, checking all the spots he claimed he’d hide in when he and Beau were little. Ellie runs out from the house stating neither are inside. A slight panic rises in my chest. Shane must realize my worry and rubs my back.

“We’ll find them. They’re kids. They probably thought it would be fun to hide, not realizing we’d worry. It’s a game of hide-and-seek. That’s all.”

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