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“That’s no problem. I have a good number of patients due any day now, along with covering my colleagues in the weeks to come a little more than usual as they’re getting some travel in before things get hectic with the holidays.”
“Oh, so the holidays are a busy time for babies?” Shane asks, looking genuinely curious. He’s looking over at me, waiting for me to answer.
I smile at him because I love my job beyond what I had ever imagined.
Looking forward as we walk, I explain, “Yes, a lot of people like to have holiday babies. It can be slower here and there. For example, leading up to Thanksgiving, it can be fairly quiet, but once Thanksgiving dinners have been consumed, we get a good number at the hospital. Then leading up to Christmas, we’ll get an influx of people wanting to deliver. The hospital I deliver at puts babies in a stocking when they’re born on December twenty-fourth or twenty-fifth, so when the news did a little segment on that a few years back, I noticed an uptick in people going into labor, or at least more people hoping labor has commenced.” I laugh because I find it funny that one little stocking can hold so much power and incentive for people to deliver.
“That’s quite fascinating. Your job really seems to have some interesting paths. I saw a baby delivery once when I was walking by a hospital in Boston. The woman’s screams could be heard as the car drove toward the hospital, and I couldn’t look away as the sound just got louder. The partner leaped out of the car, and I saw him pull the backseat door open and then he yelled he could see the head. It was a madhouse watching people running out of the ER, gathering supplies, and trying to prepare for this delivery. It felt like one second she was screaming, and the next the dad was holding the baby. It was crazy and it wasn’t even happening to me.” He shakes his head side to side as if it was still too much to wrap his head around.
We are nearing my house and we slow when we get right in front of the steps. “Home sweet home. I appreciate the lovely day. I hope your trips go smoothly.” I go to kiss his cheek and he pulls back, looking at me with a strange expression.
“Becs, is it just me, or did we not just have a wonderful day together? Why does it feel like goodbye, goodbye? I’m just going on my trips and heading back.”
I have no idea how to navigate the feelings I have for Shane. I thought that by being older, I would feel more secure about how to move forward, but it’s like all the insecurities of my teenage years, added with the pain of him leaving me behind before, has brought up many old feelings I didn't know would exist in my forties.
“Honestly, Shane, I just don’t know how to proceed with all this. I don’t want to assume. And I don’t want to get my hopes up. You come back into my life, with little explanation about what happened years ago, then we are simply acting like we are a couple, but then again, I feel like we are keeping ourselves at a distance.”
I ball my hands by my side, and I can feel the tension rise in my shoulders. I hate this feeling of limbo we are in because I truly don’t know where we stand. And I don’t know how he’s going to simply be present in my life but not take responsibility for how he disregarded us when he left. In my little panic attack, my purse slips off my shoulder and the contents are thrown everywhere on the floor. Apparently, the universe wants to make this moment memorable because my wallet wasn’t zipped up, and coins and cash have also fallen out.
Both of us begin to pick up the contents of my purse and throw everything back in. I grab the coins and cash and make sure none of my credit cards fell out as well. I search in a little pocket where I usually have a valuable keepsake, and I panic when I find it’s missing. I start to look all around me, reaching for my phone to grab the flashlight. I try to keep the panic to a minimum, but the more I look around, the more I feel my heart rate spike.
“Is this what you’re looking for?” I look up and see Shane holding out the necklace I keep on me at all times. I see his eyes and they’ve softened as he holds out the necklace he hasn’t seen since that day he walked away from me on that porch. I reach out and grab my little purple rose charm that sits on the most delicate chain.
I nod and bring the necklace to my heart. I take a deep breath, hoping to relax after the panic I felt. Shane keeps his gaze on me and then decides to speak.
“I still remember buying that for you. I remember how nervous I was because it was the most precious thing I had ever bought for someone. I had saved all my money from the tree farm the winter prior and the money I made that previous summer. I knew how much you loved those purple roses, but it was hard to find that exact flower.
“I had to get help from Mrs. Lewis to special order it from a catalog at her jewelry store and even then, I worried if it would look right. But when she brought it out of the box weeks later, the moment I saw it, I knew you’d love it. Since we parted ways, anytime I saw a purple rose, which is rare, I thought it was the universe telling me you were thinking of me.” I see the pain in his expression, and I can feel my throat tighten as I’m holding back tears.
“I’ve carried this with me in my wallet since you left. I had it on until that night you broke up with me, but then I couldn’t see my reflection and not break down when I saw the rose sitting across my neck. But having it near me became a crutch too. A sort of comfort I needed when I felt anxious about something. I always held it when I had big news coming my way. I remember holding it right before my exams as if it was a rosary of sorts, and I always threw a little prayer up when I held the rose in my hands. I haven’t gone anywhere without it.” This rose is a piece of me, and to think I almost lost it on this sidewalk nearly cripples me.
I hold it in my right hand, a fist formed around it. Shane swallows my fist by putting his hand around mine.
“Before you dropped everything, you said a lot of things to me. I hear what you’re saying, but not once since we reunited have I thought of my life moving forward without you in it. The way I see it, we move forward together. I know it’s hard to think about everything in the future without talking about what happened before. But I do feel strongly about the fact that we will get through that and still move forward toward a future together. I love you, Becs. I never stopped loving you. Please tell me I’m not alone in my feelings.”
I’m closer to him now and I put my hand over his chest. I feel the thumping of his heart beneath my palm, and I am sure my pulse aligns with his because my heart has never beat without loving him since I was fourteen years old.
I don’t know what my life looks like without Shane woven in the fabric of it, and I don’t see that ever changing, no matter what tomorrow brings. I close my eyes and know that we will figure this out. I feel confident in that, although anger and resentment might arise when we discuss what happened years ago.
I nod, not really sure what I’m nodding in response to. I finally pull the frog from my throat and speak.
“I think I have loved you from the moment our eyes connected. Before I even understood what love really was, I felt a pull toward you. But with your love, I’ve felt pain. I’ve felt alone. I’ve felt disregarded. So it will take time for me to shed those insecurities. You broke my heart, and I found a way to mend it back together. I feel like I had no option but to put one foot in front of the other for the sake of those who depended on me. But you also need to grasp the fact that your behavior in the past caused waves, and the ripple effects that remain are still felt.”
Shane takes in what I’ve said and pushes my chin up so I can see into his eyes. He has unshed tears in them, and I know he feels this pull just like I do. I think I’d take any step toward darkness as long as he was holding my hand. He doesn’t guide me, but he provides my life light to move forward. My children have been a huge part of my why since I became a mother, but there’s been a dim light in my heart since Shane left. And since he has returned, I can feel him feeding me the energy in a way I had lacked for so long.
He kisses me and I feel his love through our connection. I deepen the kiss and hug him around his neck. I pull him closer, and I open up for him. I tug him up the stairs and guide him into my home. I walk him upstairs, realizing he needs me to show him where to go through the house. I break the kiss to nod toward my bedroom, then resume our connection. We make it to my master bedroom, and we slowly peel our clothes off one another.
The moment he releases himself from his boxers, he grabs his cock and strokes it while my breathing picks up. He has always looked incredible, even as the teen he was with me. But now he’s a man, his arm muscles working while he strokes himself. I grab onto my bottom lip with my teeth, and it’s like this action has set him off. He comes toward me, pulling my lip out and kissing me, hard. I feel breathless as I pull him closer. He is my lifeline; he’s still my everything.
Soon my nerves are hyper-aware of what I want to do next. I push him off me, confusing him with my movements. He’s standing there, watching my next move, when I get on my knees. His eyes widen with the realization of what I will be doing next, but I give his mind little time to fully catch up as I take him into my mouth. I lick along his shaft and circle around his crown with my tongue.
His head goes back, and he curses, “Fuck, Becs. I love your mouth sucking me off like that.” That urges me to keep going.
His moans only intensify as I take him further until he’s nearly touching the back of my throat, keeping my eyes on him. I forgot how big he is, even though I just felt him inside me weeks ago, but I love having him in this way. I keep pumping him in my mouth, and I can feel him moving his hips rhythmically with my movements. Soon I feel my knees come off the ground and realize he’s pulling me up.
“As much as I want to fuck this mouth and come right down that beautiful throat, I am filling your pussy with my desire.”
He gives me little time to react to his words this time and has me thrown on my back on the bed one second and filling me the next. I can’t help the moans I let out, and our movements are frantic. We are chasing this high together, and we can’t get enough of one another. He is kissing my neck and pinching my nipples, causing an orgasm to rip right through me. My vision blurs with tears because the emotions erupting from me feel cathartic.
