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It wasn’t like I didn’t know how things would move forward, but when we spoke about Shane going to the Navy and me pursuing medical school, hopefully with undergrad at NYU, I always saw it much further into the future. Now we were approaching a year away from this departure, and I couldn’t help but be put on edge. Not sure if I was annoyed at both of our ambitions or the fact that my heart felt tied to Shane, and I wouldn’t be able to hug and hold him whenever we wanted.
I hear the doorbell ring and then my mom calling up the stairs for me. Grant finds this is a great excuse to pester me while I’m getting ready and comes running up the stairs to grab me. He pulls on the bottom of my dress, his bright eyes looking up at me.“Bee, Shane is here.” I crouch down and give him a big kiss on the cheek, prompting him to squeal and run off. I follow behind him, trying to tamper this anxiety that has settled in my chest. When I see Shane, all my uneasiness from the last few days dissipate. I smile toward him and in return, he pulls a flower from behind his back. One single purple rose, my absolute favorite flower.“Happy Birthday, baby.”
I move toward him, grabbing the flower, but then hugging him tightly, as he is the only gift I need and want in my life. He hugs me back, but that prompts me to only hug him harder. I can’t help but try to cement all our little moments together because I feel like life is moving too quickly.
He pulls back slightly, making me look up into his green eyes. He scrunches his eyebrows together, a look of concern marring his face.“You okay, Becs?” I nod, unable to answer with my voice as I fear I’ll start crying with the lump that’s forming in my throat. I guess seventeen is an emotional age. He moves toward my ear and whispers,“Let’s make each moment count and not worry about tomorrow. Let’s live in this moment together.” I swallow down the emotion clogging my throat and nod again.
As we make our way to the car, I take some deep breaths, letting go a little of my apprehension with our future with each exhale, as I start to realize I will miss all the good by focusing on the negative that might happen once Shane and I are no longer in the same state. We buckle our seatbelts and Shane is quick to pull out of my driveway, placing his right hand on my left thigh. He gives it a reassuring squeeze and glances my way.
He gives me that cocky smile I love and asks,“So any idea where I’m taking you?” I shake my head and smile, loving the idea that he did this to celebrate me. As we drive, I realize he’s taking me where I’ve always wanted to go together—the drive-in. Not many were around anymore so I always talked about how I wanted to experience this with him one day. Each time we had planned before, the timing—meaning the weather—was never right. But tonight was perfect. I looked out the window of his truck and saw our cluster of stars and made my birthday wish—that Shane’s heart would always make it back to me.
I pull myself out of my teenage memory to see Noah looking toward me. We’d moved through their home and into their kitchen.
“I’m so sorry. I got lost in thought. What did you ask?”
Marie smiles over at me while stirring the pasta and Noah chuckles, realizing I was most likely thinking of Shane in some way from whatever look I had on my face.
“I said I was happy to see you and Shane reconnecting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so, what’s the word?”
He looks toward his wife and she immediately finishes his sentence for him, “Complete.” I don’t know what version of Shane they got to know all these years I’ve been out of his life, but I know for a fact, I lived as a shell of myself for a bit of time after Shane left me twenty-five years ago. But I had no choice but to pull my big girl panties up and live for the sake of the lives around me. So I did.
But I do feel like my movements, my attitude were somewhat drifting through life since Shane left my side. So I could understand the idea that Shane has been carrying himself a little differently because I felt the same way. Like I was living a life with a missing piece, and Shane completed my puzzle.
I simply nod and enjoy watching Noah and Marie interact. They give off calm vibes in their personalities, and I could see why Shane chose to stay with them versus in a lonely hotel room. The way the three of them interact feels comfortable and easy.
“I hear you have two daughters. Are they here tonight?” I ask while taking in my surroundings. It was too quiet in the apartment and as a mother myself, a quiet house with kids was never a good sign.
“Yes, Marjorie and Mackenzie. They’re with my brother for the night. His kids wanted a movie night with their cousins, so we jumped at the chance to have a quiet house.”
“And here we are intruding. I’m so sorry. Once Shane is done with his shower, we will be out of your hair.”
I feel a little uncomfortable intruding on their alone time. I know how precious that allotted number of hours could be between a couple. I used to long for it as well when Hudson and I were still married. But the number of nights we opted to be without the kids started to dwindle until we found ourselves working too many hours. In Hudson’s case, what he described as work was maybe work with a side of play, but I will not go down that negative thought process right now.
“Nonsense. I want to take some time to get to know you a little more. It’s better than sitting at the table while Noah and Shane reminisce about the Navy days while I just sit there in silence.” She rolls her eyes while Noah grumbles.
Shane comes out from the guest bedroom, “Hey, I thought you liked our stories,” giving me a peck on the cheek when he reaches me.
“Yeah, I liked the first time I heard them, not the twentieth time. It gets lonely without someone to talk to while you guys just have this bromance going each time you visit.”
Marie’s making her way to the sink to drain the noodles, while Noah is stirring the sauce and checking on the garlic bread. I begin to stand, asking Marie what I can help with. I’m familiar around the kitchen and can cook some main dishes, ones which kept us going during medical school and beyond.
“Absolutely not, you’re our guest. Sit your butt down. Shane, make yourself useful and grab the wine and pour Rebecca a glass.”
Shane makes his way toward me, pinching my side and kissing my cheek again. I blush and Noah and Marie both soften their gazes, letting out a cumulative, “Awww.” I try to busy myself with grabbing wine glasses and setting the table.
Dinner is incredible and seeing Shane in this element makes me appreciate how far he has come. His company seems to have been his baby for most of his life since leaving the Navy, but he has been delegating more to his employees, preparing for some time off that he felt he needed after dealing with nonstop meetings and travel for so long. His partner in the business seems to be doing the same so at least they’re on the same page.
I love watching him tell stories of the Navy, yet a bit of heaviness falls on my heart knowing I had to wait so many years to know how he was doing. I can’t help but feel like I wish things had turned out differently, yet having my babies has been my pride and joy, and I wouldn’t replace that with anyone or anything.
Once dinner is finished and I’m stuffed beyond the healthy amount, we clear the table and say our goodbyes. I have an early day tomorrow, and sleep is something I need to get as I begin a string of days being on call at the practice I share with two other physicians. Shane and I aren’t too far from my house and decide to walk. Much like the day, tonight is not as cold as I expected, and strolling down the streets of New York feels like a great way to burn off some of the dinner we just enjoyed.
“They both seem to love you very much. I’m glad you have them in your life.” I turn to him, looking at our hands intertwined. It feels so right yet so foreign at the same time. I’ve longed for his touch for so long, yet I don’t know what will happen from here.
How do we make this work? How will we move forward toward a clean slate when our past is so messy? These thoughts get interrupted by Shane.
“I have to head back to Boston, then California for a bit to handle some work stuff. Then I’m headed to London to check in on a branch of the business that’s fairly new.”
He’s watching me, maybe afraid of how I’ll react to his departure?
