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June 1998
“It is a great honor to announce the graduating Class of 1998! Graduates, please stand and move your tassel from the right to the left. This is an amazing accomplishment, and I look forward to seeing all of you soar!” our principal announces, and we are all hooting and hollering as we embrace our classmates.
Becca and I are a row away from one another due to our last names, and she comes running toward me. She has tears in her eyes, but a huge smile to accompany it. They’re bittersweet tears, this I know, because I’ve felt the same thing for months leading up to this moment. So much of our life has been laid out in our small town and here we are, having to say goodbye and begin anew. A part of my heart will leave with Becca on her adventures, although I know I will carry a piece of her heart with me.
She hugs me so tightly that I feel the air leave my lungs. She’s fully sobbing now, and I hold her tight. I hope she can feel the love I have for her through my embrace. Once she calms down, she pulls her head off my chest and looks up at me. Her eyes are so blue, they match our Nebraska sky. I bring my lips to hers and kiss her as if we aren’t surrounded by our classmates.
“Take a breath, you guys!” Beau jokes as he walks up with Elody tucked by his side. The happiness these two are exuding is palpable because they’ve chosen to attend a nearby school together. Beau has already confided he’s going to propose soon because he can’t stand not starting his forever with Elody this instant. I understand his feelings, but I know that Becca and I both have a plan, and executing that path for us is essential for our careers. Sticking to the plan is what we’ve decided on, and we know coming together in a few short years is what we’re both set on.
Becca and I can’t keep our eyes off one another, even with families and classmates swarming around us to capture this moment with loved ones. When we look over at our friends, they’re smiling, and Elody comes running to embrace Becs. These two are so close, I know the distance will be difficult for them. Elody bought Becca a stationery set for her to use as they write to one another while apart. The graduation gift made Becca cry, although with her emotions running high, she’s been crying pretty much daily for the last few weeks.
Beau comes toward me, reaching over to hug me and tell me how much he’ll miss me but can’t wait to hear about the Navy. Bradley is in the distance with his family taking pictures. At least I’ll know one person in California as I start my life as a Navy man, but there’s so much unknown as we are going into different branches of the military. Brad must feel our eyes on him, and he looks over, waving at us.
We promised to meet up later after graduation to celebrate as a group, so we feel no need to pull together while on the football field and chat while the chaos continues around us. Although my girlfriend seems to differ on this opinion. She has moved around, embracing classmates and making sure she has all their information so they can keep in touch. I can’t help but smile because she has been sentimental since we first started dating. I shouldn’t expect anything less from her.
I excuse myself from the group to run to the restroom before heading out. People are already moving toward their cars to continue the celebration with their family members either at local restaurants or at home. Once I’m on my way back to the field from the restrooms, I catch Beau speaking to one of the firefighters who had a son graduating in our class, but I can’t find Becs.
“Hey, have you seen Becca?” I ask them both when I approach.
Beau looks over, “Yeah, she and Ellie ran to the girls’ locker room to make sure nothing was left behind.”
I make my way in that direction, saying my goodbyes along the way to stragglers on campus. I reach the locker room, the door propped open, and I’m able to hear the two of them chatting. I stop in my tracks when I realize the subject matter. I hate to eavesdrop, but I can’t control it.
“Oh, Elody, I would just stay here and live my life, waiting for Shane to return. I could go to a local college and get my general education done here. It would save so much money. I’d still be close to you and to my mom and Grant. I can even see myself getting a job locally and thriving here just as much as I would in New York. My happiness is with him, and all I want is to be with Shane in the end. I love him beyond myself, and I can see life simply being blissful because we are with one another. Maybe I’d have a baby sooner than I had originally planned. But it would all be okay because it would be a product of the love we have for one another, you know? It feels right and free and full of love.”
I hear Becca sniffle and I, too, have to control the tears that are trying to escape my eyes. But my emotions are mixed and I’ve heard enough. I shouldn’t be here, but Becca also shouldn’t be letting go of her dream to hang back and…do what? Just wait for me? That’s absurd.
All those years of dreaming, planning our future, and she just wants to wait for me. What then? Resent me when I return from doing all the things I had set out to do and she’s what, barefoot and pregnant? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that option, but that’s not who we are. That’s not what we set off to do. She can’t put her life on hold like that. She’d hate me, hate us, if she did such a thing. There hasn’t been a minute of my love for Becca when she hadn’t talked about becoming a doctor. She came to Nebraska with this dream in her heart, and she just wants to let it go because we have to be apart. I can’t be the reason she throws herself off course.
I quickly retreat and walk away. I find Beau waiting when I turn toward the parking lot. The moment he sees me, his smile drops. The tension I feel in my shoulders feels like it’s going to pull me down, preventing me from moving any further. I need to get home. I need to figure out my life before Becca throws away hers. I can’t let her do this to herself. She would never look at me with the same love in her eyes if she did such a thing to her own plans.
Beau grabs me by the shoulders, bringing his brown eyes in line with my green. “
Hey, man, what’s up?” Beau looks at me with utter concern. He knows me as the easygoing guy who never worries about anything. Mostly because, until this moment, nothing really seemed to serve as a barrier in the road of my life.
“I have to get home. I think something didn’t sit right with me, or all this heat sitting under the sun during graduation just zapped me. Please tell Becca I’ll swing by later. She’s off to have dinner with her mom and family that flew in, so she’s busy anyhow. Just let her know I’ll come by later. I just want to see if some rest gets me more prepared to hang out later.”
Beau nods but I can sense he sees right through my shit. I give him a quick hug and head toward my car, trying to rush my movements not to see Becca before I have a better plan of what I should do. I rush out of the parking lot, replaying the conversation I overheard in my head the entire drive back to my house.
I don’t even remember arriving home and getting in the house, but the moment my mother sees me, she stops me in my tracks. I can’t even look at her because I feel devastated by what I know deep down needs to be done. I’m about to ruin the love of my life in order to save her from making a huge mistake.
My mom guides me to the kitchen table and will not let me leave until I spill everything out. I word vomit everything I heard, and the tears start falling simultaneously. My mom sits there, her eyebrows furrowed as if she’s concentrating on what I’m saying while figuring out how she can guide me.
I stop speaking and my mother sits silent, I assume digesting what I just told her. She stands up and grabs a tea for each of us with a little extra sugar, as she knows it calms me down when I’m anxious. It’s a habit Becs uses to calm down when she feels overwhelmed too. It’s a reminder that Becca is imprinted into my soul.
I’m usually a pretty easy-keel guy, but when it comes to Becca, my love for her is so strong, that I can’t help but feel this need to protect her, even if it will break me. And I know that if I have to walk away from her without the promise of a future together, I will never be the same.
My mom sits back down, handing me my tea at the same time. I look down at the mug, feeling like I’m losing a piece of me with whatever decision I make. My mother clears her throat and finally speaks. I’m hoping she has a solution that doesn’t involve losing the only person I have ever loved aside from my parents.
“Shane, Becca needs her freedom. She needs to live a life where she can walk on her own. She needs to know what life is like without feeling weighed down.”
I begin to interject, never feeling like I was a weight in Becca’s life, but my mom puts her hand up and continues speaking.
“I know the love you and Becca have for one another is strong, but I do feel like you started high school and you were together. You haven’t lived without one another for years. Although you’ve made plans and stuck to them, you’re on incredibly different paths. Just because you’ve been tied together for so long, does not mean you have to stay that way.
“Maybe this is a chance to simply walk separately for some time and see where life takes you. I know the love you have as it resembles the life I had with your father. I know the strength of that love, but I also know the strength that resentment can cause, and I don’t want either of you doing that to one another.”
My parents were in love at a young age, but my mother got pregnant with me early on in their relationship, and it put a lot of stress on them as a couple. They started out in love, but anger and resentment took a front seat to their relationship, and they ended up parting ways. The way they interact now is very sterile and uncomfortable.
