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Thank goodness I can take the wheel of my relationship with my father because it’s hard to see them try to work together for my sake. I think my father still holds anger toward how things turned out between them, and my mother still loves my father, but can’t ignore how things went wrong in the end. I feel like a lot has been left unsaid for me to understand what truly unraveled between them, but I trust my mother knows what I’m feeling right now.
I nod but can’t speak in response to what she’s saying. The emotion lodged in my throat is threatening to cut off my air supply. She’s confirming what I had thought and leaving Becca will be my only choice. I can already feel the suffocation of that decision taking the life out of me. I can’t look past how devastating this will be for both of us.
I can’t tell her what I overheard her say. I can’t let her know I was eavesdropping. But I also can’t ignore what she said. She was being completely honest, and I fear she wouldn’t do that if I confronted her about what I overheard. She’d brush it off and act like it’s nothing. But I know she was being honest with her dearest friend.
I excuse myself after we sit in silence, and I finish my tea. I can’t put into words how hard tonight will be for me. My mother and I came up with a plan because after I walk away from Becs, I’m walking away from Saddle Ridge forever. I cannot walk in this town without feeling Becca all around me. This is my end with her, but I hope, upon all the cluster of stars in the sky, that this is the right move on my part. I’m about to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me.
If she only knew I was doing this to save her, to save us, from imploding later in our lives together. She’ll understand one day. She’ll look back and see that without knowing it, I helped her achieve her dreams. I’ll be her biggest cheerleader from afar. And I’ll leave my heart to beat for her, and only her, for the rest of my days. She has been and will remain my everything.
ChapterTwenty
REBECCA
Present
It has been the longest day. Two cesarean sections on top of six natural deliveries from patients, and I’m dragging at this point. I am wiped, yet I’m rallying because my bestie needs a night out. I promised I’d go out with her and get her mind off the havoc life has thrown her way, all thanks to a rude parent who can’t keep his thoughts to himself.
Ellie is beyond frustrated, as this parent has not shown up in person but has used his emails as a platform to demand things of her that go beyond her expectations as a teacher. If he only comprehended the strength that woman possesses to lead each day as if the world was only filled with beauty. She is a bright light, even when life has tried to only give her grief and ugliness.
It’s the Friday before Thanksgiving and the kids are off for the next week. I remember sitting in class the days leading up to Thanksgiving when I was a kid, always wondering why school was in session. It always felt like a waste because no one was motivated to be there, least of all the teachers. Now my kids get to experience a whole week off and they don’t realize what a gift that is. On the flip side, now I get to experience what my mother had to deal with—juggling a full-time career and kids off from school.
The twins are with Hudson tonight, and I got a call from them asking where their things were at home when Hudson brought them over to grab some needed items he was lacking at his place.
Now I walk into my house to see the remnants of my kids' items thrown throughout the foyer, backpacks and shoes all over the place, making it a nice little treat I get to handle after a full day on my feet. It looks like a tornado came through here. I stand there, taking it all in.
I’m reminded, in moments like these, where a lot of my irritation with Hudson sprouted from toward the end of our marriage. We both work tirelessly to succeed. His success is not more important than mine, and vice versa. But when I see things like this in my house, it is like turning the clock back to when we were married, and responsibilities were not evenly dispersed between us.
My job was constant. If I wasn’t at work, I was home, cleaning up behind everyone or running around the kitchen to cook the next meal. While Hudson’s day revolved around his needs, and only his needs.
Back then, Hudson did not drop off or pick up the kids. I place some of that on me, the fact I didn’t push harder for him to be more hands-on. I think the societal pressures women face really give off the expectation that women are supposed to be the chauffeurs to our children, and the doers of all things in the home. The father’s role is quite simplistic, while a mother’s expands out into all areas of a child’s life.
Ellie used to say I should let it be and see how long they’d survive the mess. The answer to that was two weeks before I caved, lost my shit, and cleaned it up. Then I’m labeled as impatient because I did not wait for them to clean it. When Hudson would harp on how I didn’t like when he’d try to touch me after a long day of doing all the adult responsibilities around me, these little tidbits of memories come back to me and I feel the exhaustion I felt back then. It’s hard to be turned on when someone doesn’t respect you.
My needs go beyond my sexual ones. My needs are met when things are being done around me to make my life easier. I am just as tired as Hudson, so his need for a Saturday off or to go to bed without making lunches, doesn’t supersede mine. But I learned that some people just don’t see past their own needs. They’re selfish and don’t want to lend a hand. They want to complain or place blame but not try to make a relationship about balance.
I find myself picking up after the kids now because with my hosting Thanksgiving in the days to come, I know my house will be full of family, and I need to keep some order or I’ll have more clean-up the day before than I had anticipated. But while I’m grabbing shoes and putting them in the closet, I start to laugh to myself; after all that from Hudson about how tired he was after a long day at work, now he’s a full-time parent on his own. He got exactly what I was trying to explain to him but without a companion. I guess karma is a bitch, although I shouldn’t be laughing at the expense of my divorce. But sometimes life can kick you in the gut with how it likes to teach you lessons.
When I’m done with the shoes, I nearly step on Betty. She’s wagging her tail, excited I’m home. Actually, she might be more excited with the prospect of someone being home to feed her. When I start to walk toward the kitchen, and she begins going in circles and barking, I’m confirmed that my presence is more for food than anything else.
I get her food placed on the ground, next to her water bowl, and start getting a little meal prepped for myself. I know I’m headed out with Ellie and Laney, but I am starving, and I would rather not become the hangry friend I can be when I lack food.
Once my belly is filled, I head upstairs, taking a few minutes to look at my photos hanging on the wall. My heart will soon feel full with my entire family under one roof, and I smile at that. It’s been a few months since everyone has been together, and I long for nights of card games and laughter.
Then my mind goes to Shane. He said he’d join our Thanksgiving, but there’s still so much that needs to be discussed and figured out before Thursday. I hope that we can get through the holidays seamlessly. Hudson will be here, and we’ve already had several conversations about welcoming Shane, despite how Hudson holds a grudge against him.
I send out a quick text to Ellie and Laney to confirm we are still on for tonight, and I get an immediate response with a dancing emoji from Ellie. She said she'll be by around six p.m. to start our walk over. Laney responds with a thumbs up, and I know she’s already having to mentally prepare to get out. Laney still has a lot of social anxieties, and anywhere that is out with a crowd of people still makes her nervous. To my surprise, Laney adds that Grant arrived this morning in the city, and he might meet up with us. I immediately go to my text thread with my brother and harp on him for not reaching out to tell me he arrived early.
So you’re in the city and you don’t even tell your sister? No turkey for you!
Grant
Oh, come on sis. I just got in and I’m tired. You know you love me and my wonderful personality. :)
So you’re not tired enough to talk to Laney but telling me your plans is too exhausting. I’ll remember that Grant…especially on Thursday when you’re asking for leftovers.
I roll my eyes and send him a GIF doing exactly that in response. He sends me a GIF of Alexis Rose flipping her hair, and I can’t deal with this guy. I chuckle and remember my love for my brother runs deep. Little does he know I see how he loves Laney too, and that’s why she was aware of his arrival.
His heart has always belonged to her, no matter how much he fights it. But that’s drama for a different day, and I don’t have the time nor the energy to dwell on it, as I have some cleanup to do so I don’t look like I’ve been doing cervical checks on patients all day.
