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I’m hitting the denial portion of my grief because this has to be some kind of mistake.
“I am going to Shane’s house to talk to him. This must be some kind of mistake. He must have just gotten nervous or thought he was weighing me down in a way that I couldn’t handle. We can work through this because it’s us, Ellie! We have been together for so long. Something must have happened, and I’ll just need to look him in the eyes and see what he says to me this morning. I know what he said last night, but he didn’t mean it.”
I’m still rummaging through my things, as the heat of the summer has hit us early here in Saddle Ridge. I can already feel the sun through my window causing the temperature to spike more than I feel is comfortable for this time of day.
I finally find a light dress to put on, and that’s when my gaze turns to Ellie. She’s looking down at her hands, twiddling her fingers, like she does when she knows something that she’s uncomfortable divulging.
So I shrug and ask, “What is it, Ellie?”
Her head snaps up and she has tears pooled in her eyes. She quickly looks away, like she doesn’t want to be the bearer of bad news after all I’ve felt these last twelve hours.
“Out with it, Ellie! What do you know?” I throw my arms up, exhausted by all of this going on around me.
I try to keep my voice even, but I feel so much pain right now, I’m holding back the urge to run toward her and shake her until she tells me all she knows.
She looks back down at her hands, picking at her nail polish.
“Beau and I swung by the Philips residence this morning.” She says this like it’s explanation enough, so I simply nod for her to continue.
“And?” I can’t help but say because I’ll need more to understand why she looks like she's in pain. I’m desperate now.
Ellie sighs, “And Mrs. Philips was there, but Shane wasn’t. She said Shane caught a flight out of Nebraska late last night. A red eye.”
I’m confused by her words at first. My brows furrow and I scrunch my nose as if my friend must be mistaken. Shane makes this rash decision and then vanishes. What is happening right now?
“I’m sorry, what? That can’t be?” I stand, grabbing my stomach, feeling like I might be sick again.
“That’s what we thought, so Beau asked if he could see Shane’s room and, sure enough, his belongings were gone. Of course, his furniture was still there, along with his medals from his football accolades, but his clothes were all gone. He packed everything he needed to leave and get out of Nebraska, Becca.”
She looks devastated to be the bearer of this news. I feel like I might faint. I don’t understand how everything has gone from bad to worse.
“So he’s just gone? Where did Mrs. Philips say he went?”
Ellie shakes her head. “She wouldn’t tell us. She said Shane asked that his location be kept confidential.”
“Confidential? Like he’s on some undercover mission? This is bullshit!” I yell.
I’m pacing the room when I look up at a picture of Shane and me from just a few weeks ago. I just got the film developed last weekend, and a few of the pictures came out so cute, I had already put them up on the wall, even though I would be packing them soon for my move to New York.
“Oh Becs, you are my everything. My cluster of stars that pulls me toward the light. You are my heart and soul.”
He had said those things to me not more than seven days ago, and here I am now, living a life where my heart has been pulled out of my chest, forever lost because he abandoned me and took my heart with him.
I move toward the window and look out at a new day, although at this moment it feels like all my days are over from this point on. I have no way to get a hold of him. I could try to send him letters, but he never gave me any insight into where I’d write to him. He wasn’t leaving for California for some time, so we hadn’t gotten to that phase of our future to properly keep in touch. I have no clue where I’d reach him.
I hear feet moving across my room and when I turn, I see Beau behind me, arms stretched wide. He allows me to embrace him, and I start to cry once again.
How do I still have tears to shed? This can’t be normal. Beau lets me soak up his shirt and simply hugs me. Then I feel an extra set of arms around me, and it’s Ellie coming in to comfort me as well. I feel their love surrounding me while I feel my world crumbling.
* * *
Four Weeks Later
I’m downstairs making breakfast for Grant while my mom is at work. He’s talking nonstop about Laney’s new trampoline she got for the summer. It’s cute to hear him so excited about something that feels so little, but in reality, to him, this is the biggest thing around until the county fair arrives in a week. I let him ramble while I make pancakes for him. We are headed to Ellie’s house so the kids can play, and we can sit and chat. My summer has been quite muted since Shane destroyed everything good about it last month.
It’s been a month since Shane left me, and I’ve heard nothing from him. He hasn’t called, sent a letter, paged me, nor has he even tried to email me. I am trying not to focus on all of this as I pour the batter onto the skillet, but it’s hard not to let my mind wander. He didn’t just have a little change in his plans. He changed our future together without a care in the world. He claims it was for me to pursue my dreams, but he and I know that’s a load of shit.
Something changed. Maybe he felt suffocated by me. Maybe he wanted to live out in the world and see what his options were. Beau doesn’t think that’s the case, but guess what? Shane isn’t here to contradict my theories, so fuck him and fuck his damn promises.
