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He left me. He did exactly what he always promised he wouldn’t. He walked away and didn’t seem to look back. Actually, he up and moved out of town, starting his fresh new life as soon as he could. Am I still in the anger phase of this breakup? Yes, I’d say I’ve put up a tent here and will stay for quite some time. The bitterness is so fresh for me, and I don’t see it dissipating anytime soon.
I finish making a stack of pancakes, putting three smaller ones on a plate for Grant. The moment I put them on the table for him, a whiff of the batter makes its way up my nose, and I immediately feel nauseated. I run to the downstairs restroom and vomit the little I ate this morning into the toilet.
Once I wash my mouth out with some water, I grab a washcloth, wet it, and pat it around my face. I feel better from the nausea but have no idea what brought that on. I love pancakes, even though I haven’t been able to stomach the idea of them these last few days.
I walk back to the kitchen, about to pick up our house phone that’s mounted on the kitchen wall to tell Ellie I may be sick and might not make it over. It’s then my eyes land on the calendar. I look at it for a second and realize it’s the eighteenth of July.
I stare for far too long at the squared numbers, and my eyes go wide. I run upstairs and grab my planner. I flip back through my previous months and see the star I put in May when I got my last period. I flip back to today’s date. I keep doing this until it fully registers that I have not had a period since then.
How did I miss a period and not notice? Might be the fact that the boy I gave everything to just up and left me high and dry. I wasn’t quite paying attention to dates on a calendar, let alone my period. Plus, I was stressed. That must be it. I missed it due to stress. That happens, right? I think my mom told me that before.
Then I start to think back to the last couple of weeks. I’ve been falling asleep much earlier than usual on the couch. My boobs were sore, and I had been getting these waves of nausea randomly throughout the day.
My mom has told me how many patients went through the ER complaining of nausea, and it turns out they were pregnant. So many think morning sickness is exactly that—reserved for the morning—but my mom has said it is just a saying. In reality, morning sickness is an all-day sickness. The pieces are still falling into place when my brother comes bounding into my room, his backpack on, ready to see Laney.
“Okay bud, we are headed to that trampoline. But first, we need to make a stop.”
* * *
We are at Ellie’s, and I’ve told her about how my morning has turned out so far. She is trying to be supportive and tells me it is probably stress and not that I’m pregnant. Oh my gosh. I could be pregnant! I might be sick again just at the thought.
Beau is over and watching the kids while Ellie and I are sitting on her bed, staring at the box in my lap. I don’t have the courage to open it. My future lies in the hands of a little stick that could either tell me my life will shift forever, or it will carry on just as it is. How can an at-home test hold so much power over my future?
I sit there, my best friend’s hand is holding mine, and I see that diamond glint in the sunshine. Beau proposed on the Fourth of July, under the fireworks. They are young, but they felt like they didn’t want to wait, so they went against the grain and decided they should start the next chapter while they were in school together.
They had no resistance from their parents on both sides, and that was a blessing because having that kind of love made their road a lot easier to handle. They are waiting until the next summer for the wedding, but Beau couldn’t hold on to the ring any longer. He said he was waking up in a cold sweat in fear he had lost it somewhere.
He had told me prior, saying he wanted me to celebrate them, but understood if it hurt too much. The thing was, I felt nothing but happiness for her. I wanted things to work out for them, even if they hadn’t worked out for Shane and me. So here I was, with her hand in mine, comforting me with a pregnancy test in my lap.
In all honesty, I let the tears fall freely now. I have no idea if I can blame the hormones or the emotional whirlwind my life has become. This is too much for me to handle, and the fact I’m having to tackle this without Shane by my side hurts more than anything. I had dreamed of doing this but with him. I never dreamed this might be a bump in the road I would face without his beautiful strength next to me.
I take a deep inhale, opening my mouth and allowing the exhales to come out slowly. I squeeze Ellie’s hand one last time and stand up. I have to give myself a pep talk:You can do this, Becca. You’re strong and you are capable of handling whatever direction this pregnancy test takes you.
I bring myself to stand straighter and saunter to the restroom, closing the door behind me. I don’t take the time to look at my reflection in the mirror, knowing that the last month has worn me out, emotionally and physically.
I finish peeing on the life-changing stick and place it on the counter. After I wash my hands, I open the bathroom door. Ellie is where I left her, except this time she is looking up at me. I can see the sadness in her eyes, and I can tell it’s not sadness at this predicament I am in, but in the fact that Shane is absent from this moment. He should be here instead of her, and we are both too aware of how different this moment feels without him. I sit back down beside her and just look ahead, waiting for the minutes to pass to see if my life is truly changing in a way I can’t take back.
I know my options here. I know what I can do to move forward in whichever way I would like. But I know that if I am, in fact, pregnant, I will keep this baby. It’s a part of me and Shane, a product of the love we have for one another.
And I know that once Shane knows about this baby, he will come running back. He would never leave me behind in that way. He may have left, for whatever reason, thinking he was keeping my dreams intact by doing so, but he’d never turn his back on his child. His heart is full of too much love to do such a thing.
The minutes pass and soon I look at my watch and note I’ve waited long enough. I get up and walk toward the bathroom, shaking my arms as the nervousness consumes my body.
Ellie stays where she has been this entire time, and I look back at her with a quizzical look on my face.
“What?” she asks.
I point toward the bathroom as if that should be explanation enough. She still doesn’t budge so I throw my arms up, exasperated.
“Ellie, I need you to stand by my side right now. I can’t take a step forward without you standing right next to me.”
She is up and standing behind me within a second, and I grab her hand and keep it in my grasp while I pull her inside the bathroom with me.
Before looking at the test, I feel Ellie pull my arm back, forcing me toward her and to look into her wide eyes, “I just want to say that if you're pregnant, you are not in this alone. You have me, you have Beau, and your mom, and I can bet all my money that Shane will come back to stand by you too. You will find a way to live your life, with the same dreams, the best way you know how. But I just want you to know you are not walking into this next step alone. Your village is here and ready to support you.”
The tears continue to fall freely down my cheeks. I don’t know how the universe did it, but it gave me someone special who cares for my heart with so much love.
I feel my chest tighten with her words, and a lump forms in my throat as I try to keep the tears from fully releasing like they have been. I give her a soft smile and nod slightly, acknowledging her words, and I hope she can see that I love her more because she said them to me.
