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I look at Shane, as he keeps running his hand over the fabric that covers the baby book. I can see the turmoil in his eyes, and my heart breaks for him. This entire time, I thought he knew about Olive. I thought he was just being a coward in many ways to wait to talk about her. I was going to force us to have this conversation this morning, but Liv’s arrival spearheaded that idea, and now I see all the pieces are falling into place.
Knowing Shane didn’t have an idea of Liv’s existence makes so much more sense now. His behavior, especially his indifference when we first saw one another after all these years, while I held so much pain. I was angry while he was relieved to have found me again. Although so much needs to be figured out, I can’t help but feel a sense of relief to see him standing by our daughter now. Once he fully grasps this human standing by him, he will see the way the stars aligned when she was made.
She is beyond incredible. She holds so much love in her heart, but like Shane, she gives effortlessly to others. Since she was born, she was an easy soul to care for. She did the typical crying of a newborn but was quite easy to please. She was a great companion, especially for me as a working mother who was at school so much of her days while she was little. No complaints ever came out of Olive’s mouth while I took hours of our time together studying and going to the library.
She simply lived a life that fit with mine. It felt like, although I am her mother, the universe healed my heart in a way by giving me this genuine soul to walk through life with. Shane wasn’t there and for that, I was so heartbroken. But Liv brightened my day. She would have movie nights with me when she knew I needed a break. She would smile that perfect smile that I needed to give me the energy to get through the day. But most of all, she simply loved me with her whole heart.
As our lives started to morph into one with Hudson and eventually the twins, she never wavered in her ability to show love to those around her. She never called Hudson “Dad,” even though she was still young when they met, but she once confided in me that she was saving that name for her biological father. She felt like he would need to hear it when they’d finally be together. When she’d have those moments where she seemed more adult than child, I would have to tamper down my emotions to make sure I wasn’t a blubbering mess in responding to her.
So she called Hudson “Huddy,” and we never touched on the subject again. I did keep the full truth of Shane’s letter from her, making her believe her father just could not be with us for reasons unknown to her. I sometimes felt she wouldn’t have been a child who would harbor resentment.
She simply lived her best life with the dawn of each day. She taught me a lot about how I could choose to live my life, and I chose to be happy with the circumstances I was given. I had a lot of help along the way, more than some people get in a lifetime. But I do know that Liv was a huge part of the positivity I fed myself on the days I wanted to crawl into a ball and cry over how heartbroken I was without Shane.
Right now, they are opening the baby book, Liv laughing at her scrunched baby face, while I see a tear fall down Shane’s cheek. Nothing is comforting in these items for him right now. This box harbors reminders of what he missed, instead of what he made with our love years ago.
Liv must sense his pain because she places her hand on his shoulder, the contact jolting him a bit, but she doesn’t remove her hand. She rubs circles around his shoulder, showing her simple act of compassion in hopes that his heart will open to the blessing this reunion truly is, instead of focusing on all that he missed over the years.
Soon enough, Shane moves his hand up and grasps the hand she has on his shoulder, and they just look at one another. He stands up and makes a gesture to see if she is comfortable with him embracing her. I note a little nod from Liv, and Shane immediately moves in for a hug. I see the power of this embrace. And with that, I can see that my little family which I wished for so long ago, is finally coming together. It’s unconventional, but it is the story we are meant to tell.
They pull apart and they both wipe their eyes. It has been an emotional day already, and it’s not even eleven in the morning. I head over to grab some coffee, knowing Liv’s favorite mug is washed and ready for her to use. I come back to the table and hand each one their cup and sit back down.
“So, let’s go through this Liv shrine and show you everything we saved.”
Shane looks up at me then and I see an apologetic gaze take over his face. I give him a little smile and wink, hoping he can sense we are good, and we will get through this. I look down at the first page that’s open in the baby book and begin to retell everything about the day my world became brighter.
ChapterTwenty-Nine
REBECCA
February 1999
What in the actual fuck is happening to my body right now?
“Becca, look at me. You need to focus. Your mom said we need to go through the ER entrance, and she’ll be waiting for us. But I need you to focus. Remember what we learned in the classes? You have to stay focused.”
Ellie is trying to be kind and calm right now, but her eyes are the size of saucers when I have a contraction, and squeezing her hands nearly off her body might be the reason for her reaction.
I love how she’s asking me to do something that is unnatural to me right now. I feel like my body is about to split in two, and this kid is going to come walking out on its own. I do not want to feel this pain anymore. I need drugs. I need a sedative at this point. I cannot handle this kind of pain for goodness knows how long. I look toward Elody, while Beau is carrying all the bags ahead of us.
He’s trying to clear the walkway for us as we are now a block away from the hospital. May as well be five thousand miles because each step feels like the effort of a marathon at this moment. It’s a cold day in February and I am hating this stroll around New York while I feel each contraction rip through my body.
We tried a cab but sitting felt more uncomfortable so I asked to walk and here we are, in the middle of winter, me waddling and my friends being the amazing humans they are and supporting me through this.
I am completely over this, and I’m barely in labor at this point. My water broke and not even an hour later, I felt like things were being rearranged from the inside out. This kid is a week overdue, so I am ready to have them as soon as humanly possible. But let me clarify—I need to be medicated, like yesterday.
I see Beau’s excitement as we approach the hospital. I bet he’s regretting promising to be there for the birth. I’m still a little shocked he asked me if I would want that. I think he’s putting a lot of responsibilities on his shoulders now that Shane isn’t here. My best friends arrived a week before my due date and said they wouldn’t leave until this baby was safely in my arms.
Little did either of them consider first-time pregnancies usually go beyond the due date, which is something my mom kept repeating when I complained I was still pregnant. So here we are, a week longer of incubation in my belly, and this kid seems to have taken their eviction notice a little too seriously. When I asked them to come out, I didn’t mean they had to remodel my intestines on their way out.
I feel another contraction begin, and I have to take a minute and stop with the view of the hospital in my line of sight. I am breathing the best I can, but it truly feels like a watermelon is trying to make its way out of an opening smaller than my palm at this rate.
After the contraction lessens, I begin walking again and my little cheering squad continues, making sure everyone knows that passes us, that they’re about to be an aunt and uncle. If I wasn’t dying of pain, I would laugh at how they both smile ear-to-ear at complete strangers. Top it off that these are New Yorkers, and they could give a flying fuck what makes us happy right now.
Once we go through the double doors of the ER, my mother is there, waving us down with a wheelchair. She does realize she’s the only one excited to see people come through the ER, right? No one is greeted with excitement at the emergency room entrance. I’m being a royal bitch mentally because, without my mother, none of this would have been possible. She uprooted her whole life for me, and I don’t know how I will ever repay her.
She gets me settled in the wheelchair, moving quickly to get me to the maternity floor. Because my mother works here, they are allowing her, along with Beau and Ellie, into the birthing room. They check me in and the moment I have an opportunity to request something for myself, I do. I get my nurse’s attention, grabbing her arm while I feel another contraction begin.
“I need an epidural now. Don’t deny me the drugs.” And then a wave of intense pain takes over.
