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Once I got my epidural, life was blissful. I came into the hospital around two p.m., and now it’s about ten a.m. the next morning. My water broke nearly twenty-four hours ago. I am not a doctor yet, but I did read any book I could on pregnancy, labor and delivery, and postpartum. The risk of infection is the most pressing matter at this time. Luckily, the nurse checked me, and I was fully dilated. I don’t feel any pain, aside from pressure.
In all honesty, I feel like I am going to poop in my gown. Great, Beau is not going to let me live it down if I poop in front of him. He and I have more of a sibling relationship than anything, and we love to mess with each other. Ellie says she may never have kids if we keep her this busy all the time, bickering back and forth.
Beau looks up from a magazine he’s reading.
“Hey, Becca, didn’t you think it was a bit too dramatic to get us here in a rush, and you weren’t even ready to have a baby?”
He has this sly smile on his face, egging me on to answer back. Before I can even attempt to poke him back with a jab, Ellie smacks him across the chest. “None of that, you two.”
She’s squinting her eyes and pointing her index finger back and forth between us. Beau and I both laugh because she knows all too well, we could do this all day long.
My mom comes back from grabbing some breakfast, nodding her head for Beau and Ellie to stretch their legs before the real fun begins. I hear my baby’s heartbeat on the monitor, and I allow my mind to drift off. I have been imagining what my baby would look like this whole time. I have no idea if I’m having a boy or a girl. I thought I might as well experience that added excitement.
I rub my belly, these final moments where this baby moves within me, and I think about how far I’ve come to get here. I had my first semester at NYU in the fall. I took this next semester off to prepare for the baby and also give myself the chance to soak up motherhood. My mom said I needed to embrace this significant change, not for the fact that everything changes, but for the fact that I will never experience my first baby again.
I can’t lie and say I’m not nervous. I know a piece of this baby will look like Shane. In what way, that is soon to be discovered. But my heart is aching with the thought I could have his little twin as a child, possibly with the same mannerisms and facial expressions. So I need to take a moment and accept that for what it is. I need to fully realize I will be looking at this child and see the man I love staring back at me more times than I may have understood prior.
Even with all Shane has done to me at this point, I know that this baby was conceived with so much love. And loving them is what I plan to do. I don’t want to harbor any negativity or anger when I hold my baby for the first time.
I want to feel everything I felt with Shane before he left: excitement, anticipation, love, and acceptance. He brought so much joy to my life, although what I was left with was so much heartbreak, it’s hard to see past that. But I am forcing those difficult moments behind me and only allowing the beauty between us to shine through as I bring this child into the world.
Soon, the pressure in my bottom feels intense. I feel it constantly and the nurse announces it’s time to push.
Beau has sworn to keep his body behind my head, supporting me above the waist. I give him a stern look when they begin preparing me for delivery, and he has no jokes coming out of his mouth when he admits, “Becca I love you, but not like that. I promise I will not move from here.”
Ellie and my mom stand on either side of me, holding my legs as I push. I feel so much pressure, along with exhaustion as I push for what feels like forever. Then, suddenly, I hear the most beautiful sound. I hear the cry of a baby,mybaby, surrounding the room. Everyone around me is crying, even Beau has tears coming down his cheeks, and I am in awe of this little being that Shane and I made together.
I had originally asked my mother to tell me what I gave birth to. So I look toward my mother and her crying is unstoppable.
“Oh, my girl. You’re going to be an exceptional mother. You have a precious daughter.”
And right then my daughter is placed on my chest, the nurses cleaning her off and suctioning all the fluid from her mouth. I have a daughter. A little girl.
“Hi, my beautiful Olive.”
Right then, my little miracle looks up at me and opens her eyes. I can’t tell what color they are, but no matter what, they’re the most beautiful eyes that have ever looked my way. My world is complete with her in my arms. My heart will never recover because it will now walk this earth with her.
ChapterThirty
SHANE
Present Day
Once we went through all the stuff in the box, we ordered lunch and spent the afternoon talking. Liv had so many questions for me, and I felt myself bursting at the seams asking as many questions as possible back, while I had my chance with her. I saw Becca sitting back, simply absorbing my presence with our daughter, all of us existing in the same room.
The more I interacted with Liv, the more the similarities stuck out between us. We moved our hands the same exact way when we told a story. Our laugh was similar, and although Liv had Becca’s dimples, something about the way she smiled, it looked so much like my own. Our eyes were exact replicas of one another.
I wonder how many times her stare took Becca’s breath away. I know that if I were raising Becca’s child, and her eyes stared back at me, I would feel lost daily.
As the day moves forward, I am immediately comforted with how easily all three of us can speak to one another. There is no awkwardness or pain when we interact. We’ve erased any ugliness that letter may have caused, and I see the beginnings of building a new path together. I feel complete knowing I have a daughter and that she will know what it feels like to feel loved by me, even if I’m nearly twenty-five years behind.
I’m still trying to absorb the fact that I was robbed of being a father years ago, causing heaviness in the pit of my stomach. I need to get to the bottom of that letter, but I also don’t want this day to end. I feel like I was given a second chance, and each second together is another way we can connect and attempt to repair the time that was lost. But I know, deep down, what I missed out on is something I will never get back. And for that, I am angry.
I will need to find some time to speak to my therapist about this, as I never imagined I would have this situation on my hands. I never imagined Becs carried our child, and I lived unaware for so many years.
After we eat dinner, Olive tells both her mother and me that she needs to go lie down. She’s working on a master’s in healthcare administration. She mentioned becoming a doctor was never a dream, but interacting with those in the medical profession was something that always intrigued her.
