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Once Betty’s gone, I look back at my high schooleverything, feeling numbness all over. I see him inspecting me as if he’s in just as much shock. But he came to my door; he must have known what was awaiting him on the other side. I, however, feel like all the air has been pulled out of my lungs. I’ve felt this way before, but that was years ago when he walked away from me—fromus.
How in the world does he look better? Of course, he looks slightly older, some gray around his temples where he once had more dirty blond hair but other than that, he just looks better all around. He looks larger around the neck and chest, as if he lives at the gym for most of the day. The Shane I knew was fit, but with the suit he’s wearing, I can tell he’s bigger than he once was. I guess the years have been good to him. I should say,gravityhas been good to him.
Now that the shock is wearing off, I’m starting to fill with something else. As if I’m going through the stages of grieving, although out of order, and have moved into the anger side of this reunion. I feel my hands ball into fists by my sides, and now I just scowl at him. He must notice my shift and starts to speak, but I beat him to it.
“Shane, what can I do for you?” My tone cold. I can feel it as I take in my own voice that feels foreign to me.
But after all I went through when he left, now that I’m standing here having to say his name again, I can’t feel anything but irritation toward the one person who swore he’d be by my side for the rest of my days. I look down at my watch because apparently, Shane decided to knock on my door, but anything further is past his train of thought. He just stands there, as if he’s just taking me in.
If he’s thinking I don’t look the same, he can fucking choke on his next meal. I’ve aged, I’m aware of that. Things don’t quite stand as upright as they used to, especially after having children. I refuse to inject my body with additives in order to look younger, and I hold pride in what I’ve endured, especially after he left me without a care in the world.
“Shit!” Looking at the time, I curse when I realize I’m truly going to be late now.
I leave Shane with the door ajar and walk toward the kitchen to grab supplies to clean up the mess I’ve made. Betty must feel the anger radiating off me and follows behind me, loyal as she is. I feel comforted by her presence, even though she has no idea what Shane used to mean to me and how much of a spiral I’m going to experience after he leaves.
I can hear an extra set of footsteps, and I already know Shane is behind me, probably looking around at the home I’ve built for myself. I’m really trying to shake off this fury I feel multiplying as I reach my kitchen and grab the cleaning spray and a roll of paper towels.
Shane goes to grab the spray, and I move my body away, acting like a child at this point but feeling like he needs to comprehend his help is not welcome here. Would I have welcomed it twenty-five years ago? Yes. Today? Not so much.
Without getting pulled into his gaze again, I move back to where this nightmare of a reunion began and start cleaning. Shane clears his throat and I know he’s going to speak, but when I hear his voice, I already know I did not give myself the proper mental pep-talk I needed because his voice feels like a balm to my nerves. Damn traitorous emotions. Way to bounce around like the jerk you are.
“Becs, you look incredible. As if a day hasn’t passed since I saw you, yet you look like you’ve done well for yourself.” The moment I look up, he’s got that smile I once loved pointed in my direction. Too bad he’s years too late in making me happy with a simple glance like that.
“I’m so glad I look well to you. I’ve been taking care of myself for just this moment to arise so you could see what you missed.” The bitterness drips with my statements, and I already regret this juvenile behavior I’m exhibiting.
Cut a woman some slack though. The man she expected forever with, but instead received the biggest blow to her heart, suddenly returns. Yeah, I’m not going to bow down that quickly. What he did to me, to us, years ago, is still unacceptable. I can’t simply turn a blind eye to his behavior, even if he was a stupid eighteen-year-old. I swear, if he says he was scared, I will knee him in the balls. It would be deserved because I was fucking scared shitless, and I was expected to move forward by myself, without my partner.
He sighs and I know my attitude isn’t appreciated. Too bad. Being the mature one right now really isn’t in the cards. Not only is he here after all this time, but I’m late to a job I work my ass off at daily. I finish my clean-up and toss everything in the kitchen trash. Walking back toward Shane and the exit, because I cannot take this shit for another second, I grab my bag and lunch I had set on the bench by the front door.
I say my goodbye to Betty. Her dog walker will be by midday to get her outside for a bit, so I know she’s in good hands. Both Shane and I get outside, and I take my time locking the door behind me, hoping when I turn back, this has all been a nightmare I conjured up. Unfortunately, I’m quickly proven wrong when said hopeful hallucination grabs my lunch out of my hands to help me out a bit.
“Listen Becs, I did not plan to do this. I heard you as I was walking in the neighborhood, and it was like my body was on autopilot. I was drawn to you, much like years ago, and I had to see if I was simply imagining, more like hoping, it was you. It was a beautiful realization that I was, indeed, correct.”
Shane is walking by my side as I’m putting my bag in the car and walking around to the driver’s side door. I’m doing everything I can not to cry right now. I can feel the tears pricking the back of my eyes, but I will not let him see me cry.
I open the driver’s side door and hop in. This car is so damn high off the ground. Why did I need an SUV again? There is just no graceful way to get into a vehicle of this height, but I do the best I can. I close the door and open the window to grab my lunch from Shane, but my gaze is on him while I take the food from his hands. “Listen, it’s been years. So much life has been lived since we last spoke. I hope you’ve been well, but I really have to get to the hospital.”
A small smile moves across his face, as if what I said calmed him.
“So you did it. You became a doctor, just like you dreamed.”
He isn’t asking. It’s a statement, as if he knows I wouldn’t be working at a hospital under any other capacity, and a piece of my icy heart toward him thaws a bit because he remembers my dreams from when we were kids. Well, he should as that was his reasoning for leaving me all those years ago. I still can’t wrap my head around why my dreams kept us from realizing our own future together, but I can’t handle bringing that up right now.
“Yes. I became an OB-GYN. I fell in love with the profession shortly after you and I parted ways. I thought pediatrics was my destiny, but life led me in this direction.” I begin to buckle my seatbelt while I move my lunch to the passenger seat by my side.
“Can I get your number? Maybe we can find some time to get coffee?” I can hear the hopefulness in his voice, but I don’t think my heart can take more pain right now.
By the way I’m trying to hold back all my emotions, I can tell this will break me to the point of no return. I’m straightening in my seat, hoping the change in posture will give me the confidence I need to finish this encounter on my terms.
I shake my head no to him, but I can’t fathom trying to speak for fear I may cry on the spot.
“Oh, Becs, I should warn you.” Now I’m pulled back to the first time I spoke to Shane next to my locker.
I look over at him and am hooked because I just can’t keep from asking, “What are you warning me about now?”
He looks me straight in my blue-green eyes and says, “You will see me again, Becs. If you only knew how certain I am of that,” and he turns away and walks off, not a care in the world. I can feel my nostrils flaring because I’m so angry right now. How can he just saunter back into my life as if he didn’t destroy me years ago?
I close my window and before turning away, I reach for my lunch and make sure I grabbed everything I needed from inside before starting this long-ass day. Right when I open it, I see something that wasn’t there earlier; a business card I don’t recognize.
