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He clears his throat, like a lump is lodged in there with the emotions going through his mind.
“Of course, you can call me Dad.”
He looks at me and smiles, and something about it makes me feel like in the end, everything will work itself out.
* * *
The next day, Liv goes out to meet up with some friends she grew up with, leaving Shane and I to head to the market, preparing for Thanksgiving. I rarely have multiple days off in a row, but prior to Shane coming back into my life, I had started to take call less often between my colleagues, to soak up some time with the twins. I knew from mothering Liv, the teenage years needed that extra attention.
When Olive was growing up, however, I had my mom to be with her. Whenever Liv came home with a broken heart or simply maneuvering her teenage emotions, she always had me or my mom to turn to. Hudson was around, but he was as busy as I was most of the time.
Speaking of Hudson, I think it might be time to rip the band-aid off and get this conversation over with.
“Shane, do you have any questions regarding Hudson and his role in Liv’s life?” Shane is grabbing sweet potatoes when I spring this question on him.
He’s putting the potatoes in a bag, seemingly processing what I just threw out there. He doesn’t seem upset, but he might be apprehensive. No matter how he’s feeling, he needs to understand my relationship with Hudson and how he impacted Liv’s life. The truth of the matter is, Hudson is part of my life, and he has to get used to that dynamic as well.
“I think that would be good. I just wasn’t sure how to ask in all honesty. I know a bit from what you divulged yesterday, but I just don't know how prepared I am to hear what a great father he was to her, while I never got the chance.”
We begin walking toward the dairy aisle as we need cheese for my charcuterie board.
“It’s not like that, Shane. Hudson may have come off as arrogant and cold when you met him weeks ago, but he really isn’t that way. Well, he’s arrogant, but he’s very much someone you can count on at the end of the day.”
Shane sighs and I know this isn’t easy for him to process. He moves through the market with me and having the groceries to distract him seems to allow him the space to listen. So I take the opportunity to keep going.
“When I met Hudson, Liv was seven. She was so mature at that age simply because she absorbed so much of the responsibility around the house, trying to help me out. I had met Hudson while I was out with Liv, so we sort of all started this relationship together. My time with Olive was precious for me with my studies all taking center stage so much of the time. So Hudson sort of had to accept that Liv and I were a package deal from very early on.
“Of course, I got to know him on dates with just him and me, but for a lot of our interactions, Liv was there. At first, I wasn’t sure he would be the fatherly type. He came off as this hotshot attorney, but with time, I saw Liv soften him. His love for her was so big, I could see that as much as he fell in love with me, he loved her just as much. They had a good relationship and even after the divorce, she tried not to hold what he had done to me against him. She still speaks to him because he was an integral part of her life for so long.”
Once we check out, we make our way back to my house. Shane is quiet as I speak, nodding here and there, but I can see the pain in his eyes. When we get out of the car, I stop him before he starts grabbing the groceries in the trunk.
“Shane, look at me.”
He takes a few moments to himself but finally points those green eyes my way.
“You have to put yourself in my shoes. I thought you disregarded us with that letter. And for so long I will admit, I waited for you to randomly show up. I thought you’d find us someday and try to reconcile. But when that didn’t happen, I had to live my life in the present, not caught up in the past. I know this isn’t easy, and I can’t guarantee these thoughts for you will ever be easy.
“I loved Hudson. He still is the father of my other children, but you have to understand, I loved him early on because he opened his heart to a child that wasn’t biologically his. He never treated her differently. And for that, despite his infidelity, I will always have love for him.”
Shane puts his hands flat on the felt that lines the trunk of my SUV, resting his weight on his hands. He lets his head hang heavy, and then he speaks.
“Becs, I know and I promise you I am simply processing all this. I think a part of me will always have awhat ifcomponent of my thoughts because I was robbed of something I didn’t realize my heart desired so much. The fact that the woman I never stopped loving got to experience so many special moments that I can never get back, hurts me beyond any words I can use to describe it.
“But the fact that another man got to be the person I was meant to be for my daughter guts me. I know it’s uncontrollable, but it’s still a feeling I must adapt to each time I see them together. I can, however, tell you, I harbor no anger toward you. And I promise, I will not treat Hudson like he’s the bad guy in this scenario. I will learn to accept the past, even if it hurts. Just know I am simply taking it all in, that’s all.”
He pulls me against his chest and embraces me. I inhale what I’ve come to know as that Shane smell, a scent I realize calms me instantly. He’s my home and my everything, rolled into one.
The rest of the evening moves forward with such ease that it feels like we’ve been going through these motions since we were kids. Our movements simply flow together, much like they had all those years ago. We are simply that in tune with each other. Seeing myself build a life with him seems almost expected because I don’t see any part of my future where he isn’t by my side.
ChapterThirty-Two
SHANE
Present Day
I can feel the clamminess in my hands building as I grasp the handles of my airplane seat. We just landed in California, where I plan to confront my mother.
Thanksgiving was three days ago, and I soaked up that time with Olive as best I could before she made her way back to her apartment in Syracuse. The holiday was much calmer than I expected. Once Ellie got the update that I hadn’t been the cruel man she thought I was, it was like we were the same friends we had been in high school.
