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ChapterSeven
REBECCA
Present Day
I feel the weight of the day in each step I take up to my front door. Today was long, not just because I had back-to-back deliveries, but the fact that I held onto the encounter with Shane through all the movements of my day. Instead of shedding the thought of him as the hours passed, I felt the weight of him, of our past, pulling on me more as the hours passed.
When I turn the key to my front door, I hear a commotion coming from my living room. As I move through the entrance of my home, I look to my right and I see Ellie there, chatting with Laney. Glasses of wine in hand, and the TV is on some mindless reality show they both claim is ridiculous, yet they can’t get enough.
Laney is the opposite of her sister Ellie in looks. While Ellie is blond, blue-eyed, with skin that tans in the summer sun, Laney is red-headed, with freckles, and the clearest emerald eyes that glisten in the sunlight. She’s taller than both her older sister and myself, closer to five-nine, and legs for days, it feels like.
Growing up, Laney was always bubbly, and her heart was bursting with love for life. But like Ellie, unfortunately, Laney experienced an unexpected tragedy in college, and I’ve seen only pieces of her return in the years since. Although there’s a thirteen-year age gap between us, Laney has been pulled into our group because our bond is simply unbreakable.
Whereas Ellie is bonded by blood with Laney, I took Laney in after she left college. She was a built-in babysitter for me as I was trying to climb the ladder amongst the residents, and her presence, although shattered, was equally needed for both our souls.
I toe off my heels and walk toward them. They both stop what they’re doing and hop off the couch to greet me with hugs. The embrace is needed after this day, and I immediately feel tears well up in my eyes. I’ve been through so much with these two that I don’t know what I would do without their support.
I kept my feelings at bay all day when I had patients and deliveries, but now my walls are crumbling. When Shane left the first time, Laney was too young to comprehend, but she witnessed my struggle for years as I pulled myself up from the aftermath of our relationship.
I pull away from their tight hold and go change into my pajamas. Like the incredible friends they are, my glass of wine is waiting for me when I come down the stairs. We move toward the couch, the television muted yet still on while I am berated with questions, in more detail, regarding my run-in with Shane.
When I called Ellie earlier, I gave her the Cliffs Notes version because I was barely able to complete a sentence without fully bawling my eyes out. I had to hang up with her a little into my drive in fear that I would not only crash the car due to blurred vision from the constant tears but also to keep my face from being so far past fixable with makeup my patients would scream when I walked in to greet them.
After my rendition is retold to them both, I sit back taking a long drink of my wine. I close my eyes and let my head fall back on the couch. I can’t help but feel spent from this day. But most of all, I feel overwhelmed with the decisions I need to make regarding Shane and what comes next.
How do we move forward from our past? How do I let go of the things he has done and the things that were said? I hold on to so much, that it’s hard for me to simply turn a blind eye to how I was treated. How could he have treated us like that?
He treated us and what we had like we were disposable; as if we could be left behind and simply move forward in his life without a care in the world. When he walked away, I felt like he took a piece of me with him. But didn’t he feel that a piece of him was always walking on this earth without him present?
The questions were constant, but the unanswered questions floated over me, consuming my thoughts. Even after all these years, I feel like so much of my life I’ve had these questions looming over me, and it’s always left me with an uneasy feeling. Seeing him today, that discomfort was front and center.
I could hear the wheels turning as Ellie processed everything I said. Ellie has always been supportive of me and all I went through after Shane left, but a part of her has harbored so much anger toward him as well. She has known Shane since they were toddlers so when he first left, she was in shock.
She went through all the stages of grieving, much like I did, but it seems anger is the one she has held onto the longest. And for so long, even mentioning Shane’s name would send her off on a word vomit of all the vile things she could think of regarding him and his behavior.
At some point, our mentioning of Shane started to lessen, and we simply lived life, creating memories knowing he wouldn’t be around to witness them.
Along the way, Laney joined our group, and it was the three of us making the best of a tough situation, and we got through it together. They were my village, and I couldn't be prouder to call them my chosen family.
Finally, Ellie speaks up. “So, how did he look? Please tell me he has a potbelly and a receding hairline.” Laney shoots her sister a stern look, but it doesn’t last long. Laney starts laughing, hard, with tears coming down her cheeks.
“So I tell you that the one man I have ever given my whole heart to returns into my life, and that’s the question you start with? Of all the things, that’s where your mind went?” I chuckle because my bestie really is an odd bird. She has held so much anger toward Shane for so long, I assumed she’d be fuming. But this lane change wasn’t something I expected.
“You still haven't answered my question.” Ellie looks over at me, an eyebrow going up in a questioning manner.
“If you must know, he looks better now than he did when we were kids, if that’s even possible. I’m over here, my boobs doing a downward dog, and he looks like Captain America after he receives the super-soldier serum. It’s unfair, yet it was a sight to see, even though he threw off my entire day after that. The hardest part is that as angry as I was at seeing him abruptly, I still felt this pull toward him. Like my body was drawn to him, even after he left us behind so long ago.”
Laney takes a sip of wine and turns to me. “Have you spoken to Liv?”
“No, not since the weekend. I was going to give her a call earlier—” Right then a car backfires and Laney throws herself to the ground. Ellie and I rush toward her, and I can feel Laney shaking in fear. Laney’s past brought her face to face with gunfire in a place that no one expected, and she has never been the same since. Loud noises make her extremely uncomfortable, and the PTSD she has experienced is a struggle for her, even this many years later.
After Laney’s experience, we all went through therapy in order to have a better understanding of how to support her. In those sessions, we were guided on how to comfort Laney when she finds herself thrown back in time due to noises or crowds that might shift her mindset. We use the same measures now, speaking calmly to her, reassuring her she is safe.
Slowly Laney peels her eyes open, and she wipes the tears that are now falling down her cheeks. The pain I see in her gaze shatters me. Each time I feel like we are taking strides away from that horrific day, moments like these remind me she is one sound away from returning to that classroom years ago.
We sit back down on the couch, but you can tell the recent shift in Laney’s behavior means we need to table our Shane discussion for another time. Laney’s well-being is my first concern right now. I turn to Ellie, hoping my change in subject will help Laney realize everything is fine. “Who’s watching the kids tonight?” Ellie has three kids, ranging from seven to sixteen.
Unfortunately, much like my mother, Ellie suffered the loss of her husband, our dear friend Beau, five years ago from cancer. I always thought it would have been easier on our hearts if I had time to prepare for my dad’s death, but watching Beau suffer and wither away reminded me that loss hurts no matter how it happens.
