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It was Jason’s turn to frown. He wished she’d at least look at him instead of staring ahead at the remains of her dead son. But he wasn’t about to rise to whatever selfish, guilt-ridden vibe she offered. “Where’s his father?”
“Dead.” Her smile faded. “He had a heart attack three years ago. Now it’s just me.” So it was pity that she was after. The poor, lonesome woman who’d outlived her only son and only husband. If she thought she’d get anything more than cool detachment masking a decade of rage, she was– “I’m sorry. For what it’s worth.” Then she finally looked at him. She was so much older than Jason remembered her. And the years hadn’t been kind. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. I haven’t even forgiven myself. But I wanted you to know that.”
Jason snorted despite himself. “Is that why you wanted to see me? To offer an apology a decade too late for me?” He pointed to Joo Won’s urn. “Too late for him?”
But Joo Won’s mother shook her head. “No. I thought you’d probably run off the moment you figured out who I was. But I’m glad you didn’t.” Her smile returned despite the harsh words he’d just flung at her. “Seeing you reminds me of him.”
Jason huffed. None of it was what he’d wanted. Not that he was even sure what he wanted. But he knew it wasn’t a conversation with a woman who’d ruined his life and ended her son’s. Then he shook his head. “I just wanted a chance to finally say goodbye to the boy I loved.”
Joo Won’s mother winced. Good. Jason was tired of the bland, maudlin martyr routine. It was cliché. Except it wasn’t. Whatever grief Jason had carried all those years–grief that he’d finally let go of on that beach with Tae Hyun–she’d carried a hundredfold. Sure, Jason had loved Joo Won. But he’d only known him for weeks. She’d known him his entire life. And she was part of the reason he was dead.
Jason sighed again. “I’m sorry. This isn’t what–”
“Would you sit with me?”
“What?”
“It’s just–” Her voice cracked, and Jason saw the glimmer of fresh tears in her eyes. “I know I have no right to ask this of you. But you’re the last unfinished piece of my Joo Won.” A tear broke free to run down a pale, naked cheek. “I’ll understand if you want to say no. I probably would if I were in your shoes. But I’m asking for this kindness anyhow. Let me finally put my Joo Won to rest.”
Jason’s rage flickered and flared. How dare she ask anything at all of him? But the monster he’d imagined her to be was no more. She’d become a tired, broken old woman who’d resorted to begging the one person in the world who wanted to see her the least to sit with her. Jason was suddenly tired, too. He was tired of carrying those feelings when he’d already moved on. He had a life. He had someone he loved. He didn’t need that anger anymore. “Alright. But not here.”
By her surprised expression, Joo Won’s mother had clearly expected him to say no. “There’s a little self-serve cafe off the lobby. We can sit there.”
Jason nodded as Joo Won’s mother moved toward the room’s entrance. Then he stepped in front of the alcove that held Joo Won’s urn. It was made of burnished gold or brass and engraved with the Hanja spelling of his name. Next to it sat a baseball mitt, a toy dinosaur, and a framed photo of a smiling Joo Won posing in a baseball uniform. A deep ache of sadness smacked him like the baseball bat Joo Won held in his picture. Jason closed his eyes to fend off the tears and swallowed his pain. Then he opened them again and sighed. “Goodbye, Joo Won.”
Joo Won’s mother waited for Jason in the corridor, nodding when he joined her before turning and leading him back to the lobby. The cafe wasn’t much more than an alcove holding a small table with four chairs. An automated coffee and tea machine sat on a stand in the corner. Joo Won’s mother hit the button for matcha. When she was done, Jason chose a black coffee because the bitter heat matched his mood. He took his small paper cup and sat opposite Joo Won’s mother at the table.
“I don’t remember your name,” Jason said.
Joo Won’s mother frowned. “I’m surprised. It’s the same as your mother’s.”
“Mi Young?”
Joo Won’s mother nodded. “Yes. We had a few jokes about that back when–” She suddenly stopped and sighed. Then she shook it off. “You were such a handsome boy. I can see why Joo Won liked you.”
Jason frowned. “You can?”
Mi Young nodded again. “I’ve had so much time to think about that night. And what happened because of it.” She blinked, and another tear rolled down her cheek. “What we did was unforgivable. We had no idea what you meant to him. If only–”
“Do you think that makes it okay?” Jason interrupted. “Your ignorance?”
Mi Young shook her head. “No, of course not. There’s nothing that could make it okay.” She sipped her tea and winced from the heat. “I knew something was going on between you. But I thought it was a harmless crush. Two boys playing at something they didn’t understand. It wasn’t until afterward that I discovered how wrong I was.”
Jason’s rage made him want to push back at her meaningless platitudes. But he knew there was nothing he could say to her that she hadn’t already told herself many times. So he kept quiet.
“I’ve followed your career,” Mi Young suddenly announced. “I remember when they stopped playing your commercial. Seong Su would always make me change the channel when it came on. Then your first movie came out.” She smiled. “You’re quite a talented young man. I’ve seen all your movies.”
Jason shook his head. “Why would you do that? To punish yourself?”
Mi Young quietly chuckled. “No. Simply living is punishment enough. But seeing you reminds me of him. It makes me think of how happy he was when you were together.”
Jason’s sigh was almost a groan. It was a mistake to be sitting with her. It was a mistake to have spoken with her in the first place. He should’ve turned and run like she thought he would’ve. Joo Won’s mother was looking for an absolution he could never give her. Even if he’d genuinely forgiven her–which he definitely had not–it wouldn’t be enough to erase the stain of her guilt. She was too damaged. She was a broken husk of a person held together by her grief and a worn black dress.
“I forgive you.”
Mi Young’s surprise wasn’t nearly as much as Jason’s. He wasn’t sure where the words had come from. Maybe he did pity her. Maybe he just wanted their conversation to be over. But he’d left her speechless long enough that he took that chance to go, leaving his untouched coffee steaming on the table as he walked out.
Jason barely noticed the trip home. His body moved on autopilot while his mind processed what had just happened. He hardly remembered why he thought seeing Joo Won’s remains was a good idea. He certainly hadn’t considered that the woman who shared the same name as his mother would be there, much less ask for his forgiveness. It made it hard not to think of his own mother and how she’d held him while he cried after first learning of Joo Won’s death. That was the last time she’d truly embraced him, except for the red-carpet photo ops she’d wormed her way into at his movie premieres. Movies that Joo Won’s mother had watched, hoping to glimpse some part of her son in Jason.
