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Jason arrived home before Tae Hyun. He had no idea what time it was or how long he’d been gone. His first stop was the bar and his half-full bottle of Kingston. They still hadn’t stocked up at the apartment beyond a few basic groceries. But it was enough for the moment. He gave himself a generous pour, swallowed it in one go, and poured himself another. After swallowing that, he poured himself a third, brought his glass and the bottle to the couch, and sat, staring at the nighttime city lights out the window. He avoided looking at the visible corner of the park that held the historic burial mounds. The last thing he needed was to be reminded of visiting the dead. The second to last thing he needed was to be sober.
The buzz hit him after he’d finished his fourth or fifth round–he wasn’t really keeping track–and with it came the rush of feelings he’d been drinking to suppress. Jason could hardly believe he’d told that woman he’d forgiven her when it was the farthest thing from the truth. It was almost as if part of him had decided she’d suffered enough for her evils. He tried reasoning with himself. It wasn’t like he’d actually forgiven her. He was just cutting the ties she’d placed on him. It was for his benefit more than anything else. Maybe that was the part of himself he was punishing with a liberal application of imported bourbon.
But all the memories of Joo Won and his mother kept leading Jason to thoughts of his parents and their involvement in Joo Won’s death. As he’d once explained to Tae Hyun, Jason had no idea if Joo Won’s suicide had also killed his relationship with them. Things were already so bad. But, even if it wasn’t the sole cause, it was what had pushed things over the proverbial cliff. It was the night he’d sat crying in his mother’s arms after she told him what Joo Won had done that he’d made his vows. He’d already broken his vow never to return to Seoul. He’d also broken his unspoken vow to never tell anyone else he loved them. But he still held fast to his one remaining vow. He hated his parents and would never forgive them.
Jason had his phone out and dialed the number before realizing it. What was he even doing? No, that wasn’t true. He absolutely knew what he was doing. The universe had moved all the planets and stars to put Joo Won’s mother in his path. It was time to go full circle.
“Jason?” His mother sounded half awake. What time was it in LA? Not that he could’ve even figured that out when he was sober.
“It’s Joo Won’s birthday, Mom.”
“What? What are you talking about, Jason?”
Jason snorted. Leave it to her to forget about the most tragic time of his life. “He would’ve been twenty-five today.”
His mother sighed. “Oh, Jason. It’s been months since we’ve heard from you. And this is why you finally call?”
“Why’d you do it?”
“Jason, you know very well that your father and–”
“No,” Jason interrupted. “Not that. The night you told me Joo Won killed himself. You told me and then held me and let me cry. Why’d you do that?”
“I don’t understand. Are you asking me why I hugged you? You’re my son.”
Jason snorted. “Let’s not pretend you’re overflowing with maternal instinct or anything. You never hugged me. Why then? Why that night?”
His mother sighed. “I don’t know what to tell you, Jason. It seemed like the right thing to do.”
Jason nearly burst out laughing as his mother easily confirmed her lack of maternal instinct. She could’ve said it was because she loved him. But she never did that either.
“I saw his mother tonight.” Jason waited for his mother’s reaction, but her breathing was the only thing that broke the silence. “She’s got nothing. That night ruined her life. And now she’s alone.”
“I don’t know what–”
“I just thought you’d want to know how many lives besides mine you ruined that night.”
“Your life is hardly ruined, Jason.”
“And one day, whenever Dad finally croaks, you’ll be alone, too.”
“Jason! I–”
“Goodbye.”
Jason hung up without another word. Then he let his mind drift, the bourbon slowly warming in his grasp. If you asked him why he called his mother, he wouldn’t be able to answer. But it felt good to say what he’d said. After all that time, she was just as selfish and uncaring as ever. At least she hadn’t told him she wished he was dead.
The sound of the front door dragged him back to reality.
“Jason?” Tae Hyun slipped his shoes off before stepping into the darkened apartment. “Jason, are you–oh. There you are. Why are you sitting in the dark?”
Jason didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing.
“Are you okay, hyung?” The obvious concern in Tae Hyun’s voice as he walked over broke through his Kingston-induced haze.
“Yeah.” Jason sighed. “Maybe.”
Tae Hyun frowned, his face glowing pale gray in the city lights filtering through the window. He reached down to take Jason’s glass from his hand and set it on the side table. Then he climbed onto Jason’s lap and gently pulled Jason’s head against his chest. “I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re gonna be okay.”
