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“But this is the best life’s ever been for me,” Jesse said, his voice choking.
Anton grimaced. “That’s my point.”
Jesse left without another word.
* * * *
Emory hadn’t returned by the time Jesse got back to Oswald House. He ignored the cold feeling that stole through him when the taxi driver eyed the graffiti on the walls, and he went straight upstairs. Dimity’s bedroom door was closed. He resisted opening it and went to the master bedroom. He closed the curtains, sat on the bed in the dark and waited.
An indeterminable time later, he heard a car outside and the front door opening. There were voices in the hall. A few moments later, the bedroom door opened, spilling dim light into the room. Emory came in and moved toward the bedside lamp, but Jesse went to him and took his wrist before he could turn it on.
They stood there in the dark, Jesse clutching Emory’s wrist, his own breathing coming fast. Emory’s was slow and heavy in the darkness.
“How did it go?” Jesse asked.
“We won’t know that until the hearing,” Emory said. Jesse jumped when Emory tucked his hair behind his ears. “Kelly told me what you said, Jesse,” he said quietly. “I hope that’s okay.”
“I fucked up,” Jesse said. “Again.”
“You told the truth,” Emory replied. “That’s what you needed to do.”
“Even if it’s cost you your daughter?”
“If anything costs me my custody of Dimity, it won’t be your honesty,” Emory said softly. “An important part of all this is that I and my kind be understood. I believe as part of that, I should be allowed to parent Dimity. If that doesn’t happen but the world at least starts thinking of us differently, it will be progress. And it might mean that the next parent won’t have to go through this.”
“You can’t really think that,” Jesse said, his voice edged. “You can’t be that decent, after everything we’ve put you through.”
“We’ve put you through worse, over the years,” Emory replied. “Change is never easy. But it’s important it happens, anyway.” Emory kissed his hair. “Thank you…for everything.”
“I can’t do this anymore, Emory,” he whispered.
“Do what,liebling?”
“Go on like this,” Jesse said, swallowing a sob. “All these feelings. All this shit inside me.” He clutched the front of Emory’s shirt so tight that his fingers ached. “Good ones. Shit ones. Loads of them somewhere in between I can’t figure out.” He reached out in the dark, found Emory’s hair and drew his head in for a feverish, clumsy kiss. The taste and smell of him, smoke and wine and power, sent sparks along Jesse’s veins. “Please, Emory,” he panted against his mouth. “Please make it stop.”
“I can’t stop your feelings, my love,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to. But I’m happy to change them, for a while.” He ran his tongue down Jesse’s neck and slipped his hands inside Jesse’s shirt.
“Not like that,” Jesse said, shaking his head, clutching Emory’s arms so tight it had to be hurting him. “I mean changeme.Please.”
Emory stiffened. Jesse sensed him lift his head. It was several moments before he spoke.
“I hope I’ve misunderstood.”
“You haven’t,” Jesse rasped, pressing his body against Emory’s. “I want to be like you. A haemophile. I can’t deal with all this human mess anymore. I can’t.”
Emory withdrew his hands from Jesse’s body and stepped back. Jesse whimpered and reached after him, but Emory guided him to the bed and sat. He clicked on the light. His face was guarded.
“You can’t ask that of me,” he said firmly. “It is illegal.”
“But that Lucien turned you, right?” Jesse said desperately. “And someone turned him. And Darragh. And Terje Kristiansen and all the others.” He grabbed Emory’s hand. “You were all human once, and you aren’t anymore. I want that.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I fuckingdo,” Jess shouted, standing. “And I’m sick of everyone telling me what I mean and don’t mean, want or don’t want.” Emory sat very still as Jesse stood with his fists clenched, watching him until his pulse slowed and the heat left his body. “Please,” Jesse begged. “Please, Emory.”
“No one should make you justify what you want in the bedroom, Jesse,” Emory said quietly. “Or what you want from a partner. Or from your future. But it’s like biting… Youcannotwant this the way you think you do because you don’t understand what you’re truly asking.”
“You’re so in control. Everything’s easy for you. I don’t want any of this hard stuff anymore.”
