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The panicky feeling I had earlier comes back with a vengeance, and I struggle to keep my voice level. “What?”
“Turns out I already knew her. We…” He drops his gaze to his lap, which like mine is only covered by the thin fabric of his boxers.
“You fucked,” I sigh, closing my eyes.
“Yeah.” His fingers tug at the material hugging his thigh.
“Did you again?” I’m surprised at how calm I sound when my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest.What’s the right response here?Normally, I wouldn’t care if a guy took a detour with a girl, but normally, I don’t feel a connection to the guys I fuck. I don’t think I like the idea of Blake being with anyone but me, even a woman, especially without telling me. Then again, I’m the one who specified only other men were off limits. Maybe I don’t have a right to respond at all?
“No. I didn’t sleep with her.” Blake says evenly. Too evenly.
“You wanted to, though.”
“I told you I could be monogamous. I was.I am.” It’s not an admission, but he’s not disagreeing with me, either. He did want to sleep with her, and I can’t be upset about that because I’m the one who left that door open. I’m the one who said we shouldn’t sleep with othermen, mainly because I wanted the option to sleep with women if desire struck.
Monogamy doesn’t scare me—if I’m with Blake, I’m with him—but ignoring part of who I am… that does.
I’m not and never will be gay. I’m not and never will be straight. I guess that’s why—in my mind—I could have a monogamous relationship and still satisfy my other needs. Like, I could be committed to Blake and only Blake as far as men go, but still sleep with other women. Or I could date a man and a woman, like this couple I met a few years back who did just that. Until a few minutes ago, either scenario made perfect sense. Now that Blake’s bumped into a former lover, one he clearly still has an interest in, I’m re-thinking that.
Am I being selfish? Probably. It just never occurred to me that I wouldn’t want to share him, even with another woman. But if I think I might want a woman again one day, it’s not fair of me to keep him from this one.Shit. People say relationships are complicated, but I thought it’d take longer to get to the complicated part.
Twisting so I can see him, I brace an elbow on the back of the couch. “So, we said we’d see how things go with us… How do you want them to go?”
The crease in his brow tells me he’s worried, and despite feeling confused, I reach for his hand.
“I want them to get going. I don’t want to screw things up because my former lover suddenly lives here.”
“Lover, or someone you could love?” I ask softly.
He gnaws the inside of his lip with his teeth before speaking. “Honestly, I think it could go either way. She’s pretty cool. Hot. The kind of girl I’d want to get serious with. She’s also now my boss, and even if she’s the kind of girl Icouldlove, I’m with you.” He finally looks me in the eye, and even though I know this girl showing up has him rattled, the way he holds my gaze tells me he’s serious about us.
I don’t have the words to tell him how much I appreciate his honesty. All I know is, I owe him the same in return, even if it takes us down a path I’m not sure I want to follow. “I know you’re with me, but I don’t know if that means you can’t be with her.”
My comment lingers in the air a beat before Blake finally speaks. “What are you saying?”
“For guys like us, beingtogethermight look different. Maybe it means no other guys but girls are fair game?”
Blake sucks in a mouthful of air. “Is that what you want?”
“Not at the moment, no.” I brush my thumb over the back of his hand. “But if a girl I’ve been with suddenly appeared in front of me, one I really liked, I don’t know how I’d feel. I never really operated under the assumption that I’d have to choose between people I like.”
“You never wanted a relationship?” His tone isn’t defensive, just curious.
“I never thought a relationship had to fit a certain definition, like only involving two people.”
“You’re telling me I should date both of you?” His brows disappear underneath his disheveled hair.
“I’m saying I understand that you might feel pulled toward two different people. I’ll respect it if you want to see this woman, too.”
Exhaling heavily, Blake watches my finger, which is still moving slowly over his hand. “Look, I won’t deny that seeing her threw me, especially since I think I’d want something with her under different circumstances. But Ihavealways assumed relationships are between two people, and everything about you and I feels right. I don’t want it to end before it starts, and I can’t think of a better way to screw this up than to try to date someone else while I’m with you.”
Selfishly, that’s what I wanted him to say. I need him to be positive though, considering he’s a big part of the reason I’m going to try living in this town. The most important part. “A girl you could love might solve your coming out of the closet problem. It’d make things a lot easier for you.”
Blake’s nostrils flare as he pins me with a determined frown. “I don’t want easy, I want real, whatever that looks like. And this,” he draws a line between the two of us with his free hand, “feels real. I can’t explain why that is when it happened so fast…”
“It is real,” I growl, yanking him to me so I can press my lips to his. “That’s the only explanation. Now, get dressed and help me move into my new bedroom.”
Taking charge lets me mask the relief I feel over not having to share Blake with anyone else, and as an added bonus he seems to like it. Yet hours later, as we drift off, I can’t help wondering if we’re destined to fail.
