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‘Thanks, Mum’, she said out loud and smiled.
Chapter Twelve
Emma remembered the exact moment she had the first inkling that something might be wrong. A couple of months earlier she had been in the bathroom putting some toothpaste in the cupboard when she saw all the sanitary pads and tampons. She frowned, briefly wondering why she was so well stocked as she tended to have to remind herself to get more. Then it struck her that she had missed a period . . . Or maybe it was two. She had been so absorbed with a high-profile case at work, working well into the small hours, the weeks had seemed to disappear.
Although she and Max weren’t actively trying for a baby, they weren’t not. She couldn’t remember the last time they used contraception. Could she be pregnant? A wave of panic washed over her as to what this might mean. The timing wasn’t great at all. There was too much happening what with work right now and, of course, the wedding.
Then the voice of reason whispered to her that none of that mattered. If shewaspregnant, then they would make a plan and work around things. It wasn’t the end of the world. She smiled as the reality dawned on her that this could indeed be the start of a new chapter for her and Max. It could be a dream come true. The wedding wasn’t that far away, and she couldn’t be that far along. Three months at the most and anyway, they weren’t living in the 1950s. It would all be fine and add an extra layer of celebration to their big day.
But then she had taken the pregnancy test and the line had shown negative. She felt as though she had been punched in the gut. Thank God she hadn’t said anything to Max about it and raised his hopes. She felt absolutely desolate and heartbroken which surprised her. She hadn’t realized how much she wanted to be pregnant.
Since then, she had thrown herself back into work and tried not to think about it though she had to admit, she’d thought of nothing else. She then began to wonder why she hadn’t become pregnant yet especially since she had been off the pill for a couple of years. She hadn’t wanted to worry Max either, so had held back from telling him. Though she knew he would be kind and supportive as always, she didn’t want to have to deal with his disappointment too.
The other signs which she’d dismissed over the past months — hot flushes and tiredness, then started to loom large in her mind and she had thought there was no harm in talking to the GP about it. She had fully expected her to tell her that this was all normal and with a stressful job and up and coming wedding it was probably all down to stress. Or anaemia of course. She remembered she had that as a teenager — and so did Amy!
Then she remembered that Kirsty’s periods tailed off when she took up running to help her cope with stress and had taken things to the extreme so much so that her periods had stopped altogether. Maybe that was what happened with extreme periods of life stress? In fact, when she stopped to think about it, she realized that her cycle had started to become quite irregular after the death of her mum.
‘I think we’ll just run some blood tests to be sure,’ the doctor had said.
Emma was surprised and hadn’t expected her to say that. ‘What for?’
‘Just to check a few things like your iron levels and your thyroid especially if you’re very tired. Would you say more than usual?’
Emma gave a dry laugh. ‘Not especially,’ she said. ‘No more than usual or than anyone else.’
Now she sat in the waiting room glancing at the clock and wondering when the doctor would see her. She was clearly running late, and Emma was already anxious enough. Her phone kept pinging with work emails, and she was doing her best to keep up and reply to them all. She only had a few days left until she finished for the wedding. However, her focus was completely scattered. She just wanted to get this over with and get on with things. Why couldn’t the doctor just have told her about the results over the phone? When she had called back on Monday, after she had missed last week’s call, the receptionist insisted that the GP wanted to see her in person. It was now Wednesday and she had spent the past couple of days wondering if she had cancer and was dying? Why else would she want her to come into the surgery?
‘Emma?’ said the doctor, coming to the door of the waiting room. ‘Come with me.’ She smiled which made Emma relax. Surely that was a good sign? If she was dying then she wouldn’t be smiling at her, would she?
The doctor pointed at the empty chair next to her desk and she took a seat and glanced at her screen. ‘Sorry to keep you waiting. I know you’re very busy.’
Emma shrugged. ‘Don’t worry. I understand.’
‘Okay, Emma, I have had your blood results back and these initial results would indicate that the amount of progesterone in your system is very low.’
Emma didn’t know what that meant. ‘What does that mean?’
‘As you know, the decline in fertility speeds up when you reach your mid-thirties . . .’ She glanced at her notes. ‘You said you and your partner have been having regular, unprotected sex for some time?’
Emma nodded.
‘Emma, I would say these initial blood tests suggest that you’re in the early stages of menopause.’ She looked at Emma who was still listening and waiting for her to continue. ‘Now there are other things we can explore. But with the additional symptoms you mentioned like the hot flushes and night sweats . . . everything would point to the menopause.’
She whipped her head up and looked at the doctor in disbelief. ‘But I’m only thirty-seven,’ she said.
‘I know and let’s not rule anything out at this stage. But I really think we need to investigate this further. I’m going to refer you for more tests, and we will try and get to the bottom of what’s going on.’
‘But I’m about to get married. How do I tell my fiancé this?’
‘Let’s take one step at a time,’ she said, kindly. ‘Let’s just try and find out what’s happening before you start to panic.’ She paused. ‘Early menopause can run in families. Is it something your mum had? Do you have sisters?’
‘My mum is dead. My older sister has two children, and I don’t know about my younger sister’s monthly cycle.’ She knew she was being rude and was embarrassed at her tone, especially when the doctor was trying her best to be kind.
‘I am sorry to hear that,’ she said, her tone sympathetic. ‘Look, why don’t you go home and let the news settle? Talk to your partner and in the meantime, I’ll refer you for these further tests.’
Emma managed to thank the doctor before stumbling out of the surgery in a daze. Early menopause? Did that make her infertile? How on earth could she break this to Max when he had his heart set on having a family and they were due to get married in less than two weeks? How was she going to tell him that there was a chance she couldn’t have kids?
Chapter Thirteen
