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Emma walked slowly towards Lilybank Cottage, deliberately taking deep breaths, taking the time to slow down her mind and notice what was around her. She counted five things she could see and said them out loud. ‘The sea, the hedge, the path, the clouds in the sky, the roses,’ then four things she could feel, ‘my trainers on the ground, the breeze on my cheek, my hoodie around my waist and . . .’ She thought for a minute and did a quick body scan, ‘the butterflies in my stomach.’ What could she hear? ‘The chirping of the birds, a car engine and a buzzy bee.’ Emma thought about what she could smell which took her longer as she tried to focus her sense on what was around her. ‘Salty air and paint.’ She nodded at the elderly man touching up his garden fence with a fresh coat. Things she could taste? ‘The mint from my toothpaste.’ This was one of her favourite techniques for calming herself down at work when she felt stressed and overwhelmed. It helped to pull her into the present moment and connect with herself. It was proving pretty essential today when she was about to drop an emotional bombshell on her fiancé.
She knew that what needed to be said wasn’t a conversation that should be rushed, but the clock was ticking, and she simply had to tell him. She just hoped everyone else had gone off to do some sight-seeing as planned. Helen, Lauren and Milly were keen to explore Brodick Castle and its grounds and Max had said he would be in the cottage alone if she wanted to join him for breakfast. He had said it rather suggestively, she knew that orange juice and croissants were not what he had in mind.
When she arrived at the gate of the cottage, she pushed it open and heard him call her name. When she rounded the corner, she saw him sitting on the terrace with a coffee.
‘Good morning,’ he said, jumping to his feet and striding over to kiss her.
The butterflies were still there but they began to settle as she kissed him back. It was so tempting to fall into his arms and let him take her to inside, but she knew she had to tell him what was on her mind. He looked surprised when she took a step back.
‘Everything okay?’ he asked in concern.
‘Yes and no,’ she said, crumpling into one of the chairs.
Max raised an eyebrow and looked at her questioningly. ‘Can I get you a coffee?’
She shook her head. ‘No, thanks.’
‘What’s up?’ he said, reaching for her hand.
‘I don’t quite know how to tell you this . . .’ Her voice was thick with emotion.
Max looked worried. ‘Just start at the beginning.’
‘I am so sorry I haven’t told you this until now. I just didn’t know how to break it to you, Max.’ She focused her eyes on the decking, noticing the smooth grooves of the wood and the small dark circles dotted up and down the planks.
Max grabbed her hand. ‘Are you having an affair?’
‘No!’ she cried in horror. ‘How could you even think that?’
‘I don’t but the way you are setting this all up is making me think the worst, Emma. What on earth is wrong? If you’re not having an affair then whatever it is, please just tell me. We will work it out, I promise.’
Emma gazed at the man who she loved more than anyone in the world and sighed. ‘I might not be able to have children, Max,’ she said quickly. ‘I had some tests, and the GP has told me that I’m most likely having an early menopause.’ She realized the words were flooding out of her in a torrent. She paused, steeling herself for his reaction, and watched as confusion and then relief flitted across his face.
He exhaled loudly. ‘Oh, darling, I am so sorry to hear that. When did this all happen and why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I couldn’t find the right time. Work and life have been so busy,’ she said and shrugged. ‘You were away in Aberdeen. There has been so much going on. I missed a period and then another one and thought I might be pregnant. But I wasn’t and then I was having hot flushes and my mood . . . well I don’t need to tell you how snappy and emotional I’ve been.’
He squeezed her hand. ‘I had noticed but I put it down to work stress and the wedding . . .’
She nodded. ‘And so did I, but then the GP ran some tests and when I went in a few weeks ago to get the results she told me thegoodnews.’ She knew her words were harsh, and she didn’t mean to sound bitter, but she couldn’t help it. Glancing up at him she was relieved to see the kind expression on his face hadn’t changed. ‘I understand if this changes things, Max.’
‘What do you mean?’ He sounded confused.
‘If you want to back out of the wedding then I will understand. I know you want children, and I don’t want to be the one who stands in your way.’ She couldn’t meet his eye.
‘Emma,’ he said looking completely taken aback. ‘I’m marrying you for you. I don’t see you as some potential mother or children carrier.’
‘But you always said you wanted children,’ she replied, unable to hide the sadness from her voice.
‘Yes, withyouand if that’s not possible then I would rather have just you, Emma. I love you and you’re what matters most to me.’
‘I mean I know we could look at IVF or surrogacy or adoption . . .’
‘Yes,’ he said calmly, ‘but we have also seen friends go through that and it’s been really stressful for them.’
‘I don’t want to become fixated or obsessed about it. It all terrifies me,’ she said, realizing that was the first time she had admitted it. Emma had read about the drugs she could take that would pump her full of oestrogen so her eggs might still give her a chance of conceiving. She knew there was only about a twenty per cent chance that IVF would work. However, it all seemed costly both emotionally and financially and it wasn’t a journey she wanted to embark on. She was only aware of the tensions and rows it had caused friends.
‘How do you feel now that you have told me?’ Max asked.
