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Sipping the tea, she closed her eyes. She would never totally lose the grief she felt over Jim’s death, which came in waves. Sometimes they were gentle and constant, always there, lapping around and about her. Other times they would crash down on her out of nowhere, engulfing her and leaving her completely breathless and bereft. With time, things had got a bit easier and the waves had settled down, only to be triggered again on a special date like their wedding anniversary or his birthday.
Then, when she’d found out about the affair, she’d pushed away friends who had been supportive. She’d just wanted to retreat and stay in her own safe bubble. She’d been too emotionally exhausted and embarrassed to explain to people why her grief was so complex. The suddenness of his death had been bad enough, without the added layer of duplicity, which had just served to heighten the grief. She knew people couldn’t understand why she wasn’t yet ‘over’ Jim’s death and she just hoped that they would never have to go through anything similar. Perhaps the largest lesson in all of it was learning to reserve judgement on any situation until she had walked in another person’s shoes. It was all too easy to comment, assume and judge from the outside. She just told people that she had to do what worked for her; a coping strategy that meant taking things slowly and at her own pace.
Opening her eyes, she gazed at the sky and could hear Jim in her mind saying, ‘Follow your instinct, Edie. You have always known the right thing to do. Sometimes it’s best to forgive and move on.’
She could almost imagine him sitting next to her, his hand resting in hers. There was nothing else for it — she just had to accept the situation and try to make amends. She sat for a moment longer and enjoyed the view, the only noise the tick of the clock in the background. Then she stood up and stretched, knowing she must hurry if she was going to be ready for Fergus in just under an hour.
* * *
‘Hi Edie, are you all set?’ asked Fergus as she came out of the cottage towards him.
Amelia reassured Edie that she would look after Molly. ‘Don’t give that a second thought. She will be fine with me. And I will organise something for your dinner. You’ve a long day ahead of you.’
She nodded at Fergus, who smiled. There hadn’t been much of a chance to chat since their heart to heart a couple of days back.
‘I will take very good care of her,’ he said. ‘Don’t worry about that.’
‘Stop fussing. Come on, let’s be off, otherwise we will miss the boat.’
Edie checked one final time that the letter she had written to her sister was safely tucked in her bag. Amelia reached out to give her a hug before Edie climbed into the van. After closing her door and getting himself sorted, Fergus drove slowly out of the driveway, tyres crunching over the gravel.
The journey seemed to drag on, and whenever Edie looked out the window of the ferry, the scenery didn’t seem to change. She wondered if they were moving at all. Fergus queued for the café and bought her an overly stewed cup of tea, which just didn’t taste the same from a cardboard cup. Then she idly started to wonder if she should try to sell some of her work on the ferry route.
When Edie arrived at the hospital, the heavens opened and it started to pour. Fergus drove as close to the reception area as he could to drop her off before going to park. When he came back to find her, she was standing ashen-faced by the lifts.
‘What’s happened?’
‘I’m just scared,’ she said quietly. ‘I haven’t seen her for years. And now I feel bad about it because she’s dying. If she weren’t dying, would I care about seeing her?’
‘Only you know the answer to that, Edie. But this is the situation and she has reached out and apologised again. I think if you can do this, you should be very proud of yourself. Otherwise, if you walk away now without seeing her then maybe you’ll come to regret it. Being able to say goodbye properly to someone is a privilege.’
Edie squeezed his shoulder. ‘You’re right, Fergus. How come you got so wise?’
He shrugged. ‘Just life and teachers like you. Now, shall I come up to the ward with you?’
She nodded. ‘If you don’t mind. Even just to the door of the ward?’
Neither of them spoke as they went into the lift and she pressed the button.
As the doors opened, Edie moved slowly towards the entrance to the ward.
‘Remember,’ said Fergus. ‘Just be yourself. Just be your kind and lovely self.’
She allowed him to walk her a little further and then shooed him away. ‘I’ll be fine. I promise.’
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Cano’s eyes lit up when he spotted Amelia walking towards the café with Molly.
‘Hello! Where have you been?’ he asked. ‘We missed you this morning. Ed was asking after you, too.’
‘Ah, slight change of routine today,’ she said, waving at Naza through the window. ‘But I am fine, thanks, though desperately in need of a coffee.’ She was pleased and rather touched that he regarded her as a regular.
‘No problem, Amelia. You take a wee seat here and I will bring it right out. Just the usual?’
She nodded, thanked him and then sat down, closing her eyes for a moment to feel the warmth from the early afternoon sunshine. She could hear the gentle slosh of the water against the pebbly shore and the odd squeal from a seagull. The sea breeze felt icy on her skin but she was well wrapped up with her thick coat, a hat and the gloves Fergus had given her. She couldn’t help but wonder how things were with Edie, and hoped Fergus would text her soon. Cano brought her coffee outside and placed it on the table, and she pulled the mug towards her gratefully.
‘Where is Edie today?’ asked Cano, bending to pat Molly between the ears.
