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The door to my room is open. I pass through to watch him as he looks out into the evening stars.
“Don’t dismiss me, Clark, like I’m crazy or you’re talking down a client. I’m neither.”
I empty the space between us and wrap my large arms around his thin waist, placing my chin on his shoulders.
“I’m sorry, baby. It wasn’t my intention.”
“He killed them, Clark. Killed them both. And why the fuck do I care that he killed Lyle? But he did. And I won’t ever know if one day my dad could have been proud of me.”
I tug his body closer to mine. “I know, baby. I understood early on you were grieving for your dad in your own way, for that very reason.”
“The memories of my mom are pure. I miss her but regret nothing except for maybe not having another day with her. But I don’t have those same memories with my father.”
I sit on the sideline unable to take away his pain, as he sifts through these very real emotions that plague him.
“And my mom, Clark, my mom was innocent in all of this. All of it.”
I hold him because no words will ease his pain. Soon he turns around while in my arms. I won’t let go. “Will you hold me tonight, Clark, hold me and never let me go?”
If there was ever a promise to make, it is this one and it’s so fucking easy. “I’ve got you, babe, and I’m never letting go.”
* * *
Xan leftfor work close to the time JJ and I start our day. If I’m on the farm, my brother doesn’t allow me to miss out on what he calls the fun of farming. “You going to be here the whole day?” JJ asks, mixing up the feed for the chickens.
“Nah, I need to run to the office in Minneapolis and do an hour’s worth of work. We have a large acquisition I’m a part of. Plus, I’m meeting Jen for lunch. I feel like I should let her know face-to-face about Xan and me.”
“Yeah, good luck with that. But, I’m surprised you’re not helping with the mess at Lynol Inc?” he asks, and I shoot him a surprised look. “Oh, I keep up with the news. And Xan mentioned it yesterday before Ma called you.”
JJ surprises me at times, but then he flips me off. “I’m rather smart, you know. I may not have been valedictorian, but I graduated within the top five of our class.”
“Shit, Jay, did I ever make you feel like you weren’t? You’re busy on the farm twelve to fourteen hours a day, I figured you’d not have time to keep up with the news, that’s all.”
He continues with the feed. “No, you’ve never made me feel stupid. We took two different paths. And anyhow, this was my dream, my plan well before Dad passed away. And you are living yours.” He pauses, grabbing a pail. “Anyway, Xan is great for you. I see how happy he makes you, and fuck, don’t get me started on the way you look at the man.”
“How do I look at him?”
A light chuckle emits from his lips. “Like the sun rises and sets with him but to be fair, it’s how he looks at you, too.”
“I love him, there’s no doubt,” I add while I take the pail from him.
“I figured as much. I’m a little jealous. Just so you know.” He says it so casually, and I wait for him to explain. “Not jealous of the fucking high-stress job. Man, I’d rather walk from here to California than do that. I mean, having someone, finding someone you know will be there, regardless, like you jumping on a plane for Xan.”
My brother has dated but it’s been a long time. “Is there someone now?”
“Never anyone serious. Farming is thought of as a dying occupation. Someone would truly have to love the shit out of me to sign on for this,” he adds.
But he deserves the same happiness. If anyone does, it’s my brother.
* * *
“What doI owe this unexpected lunch date, Clarkston Jackson Farmer?” Jen asks, hugging me when I enter the lobby of our favorite downtown sandwich shop.
“Ma called me yesterday with an emergency.”
“Everything okay?” she asks, as her eyebrows dip down in a V and it’s how I know she’s concerned.
“Yeah, I’ll tell you more after we order and sit down.” I follow her to the counter. My phone buzzes and I peek at the screen. It’s Xan. “Jen, can you grab me my regular?” I pull for my wallet and give her my debit card. “Lunch is on me. I’ve got to take this. Be right back.”
