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“Where is my fiancée right now?”
Chapter29
Mila
Aidan kicks the ball and runs, cheering. “He seems calmer and happier than ever.”
Annie snakes her arm through mine and leans her head against me. “The new school is amazing. He’s been thriving.”
My heart swells. “I’m so glad.”
“He… we have you to thank.” The sadness in her voice chafes, but I gave up on making her feel better about mysacrifice. At the end of the day, I have a great job and my family is doing much better, so I have no regrets.
Well, I regret that things between me and Gio are still unresolved. My hope bloomed the night of Andrea’s opening, but it was premature. Gio’s hurt expression when he left the bedroom confused me.
Something else is going on with him. I don’t know what it is, but every time I look at the beehives in the garden or the pictures on his shelves I wonder where his distrust stems from.
Every time I replay the wonderful few weeks we spent together before our engagement, my mind and my body remember, and yearn for the man I still believe he is.
Yet every time I get a glimpse of that man, he retreats. What is he hiding from?
“How are you, Mils?” Annie interrupts my useless and by now way too familiar mental cycling. On a loop, I’ve been analyzing every conversation, every touch, every glare, every soft gaze, but I always end up more confused than before.
Annie’s question is simple but loaded with layers of meaning. I’ve been keeping so much bottled up, I might burst.
She stops and studies me, and as much as I want to bravely withstand her scrutiny, tears prickle relentlessly behind my eyes.
“I’m as good as it gets. I love my job and bury myself in work most of the time. But I wish I could separate my life from Gio’s. I could cope more easily.”
“Feelings complicate everything.” She sighs as she watches Ron chasing the ball with Aidan. She parks the stroller and sits on a bench. “Talk to me.”
And I do. I settle next to her and tell her about my last encounter with Gio.
“So he punched his brother, fucked you, and then disappeared again?” Annie shakes her head and leans over to check on her sleeping daughter.
“He left, but he looked so beaten by it. And he said he can’t stay. Not that he doesn’t want to. Why can’t he? I’m not even mad at him. I’m just miserable, sad, and so lonely, Annie.” I wipe my tears.
“You need to confront him. His behavior makes no sense. He grouped you with the other gold diggers without really trying to understand your motivations. Or just assuming they are purely monetary. He treats you like a nuisance, then he takes you out. He gives you a necklace that commemorates your first date. It’s like he wants to spend time with you, but avoids intimacy at all costs. And when he fails at that, he runs. It’s exhausting to keep up with. You need to talk to him about it.”
“I can’t.” I blow my nose.
“Why not?” She stands and picks up the ball that rolled to us. She pretend-throws it to Aidan and chuckles before she throws it for real. “You’ve never been timid.” She joins me again.
“Annie, I’m scared he will reject me completely. I know he practically has, but I still harbor hope, and if I confront him, none of us will benefit.”
“So, you are a gold digger?” she deadpans.
I gasp. “I guess I am.”
“Mils, look, I’m benefiting from this the most, but don’t you see that if you just silently accept his behavior, you’re confirming to him the only reason you’re in this relationship is the financial benefit?”
Have I been sending those signals to him? I have been so on edge, hoping for a change, for an opportunity, for some sort of new-found connection, and all that time I’ve been keeping things bottled up.
I might have lost Gio’s respect after I said yes to him, but somewhere down the road I lost self-respect too.
“I just don’t think I have the right to complain. I agreed to this arrangement.” I shrug.
Voicing my belief out loud only confirms how irrational and twisted it is. I didn’t lose my right to lead an emotionally satisfying life. I can’t keep up with the constant whiplash his behavior gives me.
