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Anger.
Not at them fucking each other’s faces with their tongues. I don’t care about that.
I’m angry at them, at myself, because we wasted time.
We pushed Cyn away when we should’ve been holding her close. We spent years hating her when we should’ve spent years loving her. We were fucking cruel to her when we should’ve worshipped at her feet. Soren wouldn’t have known she’d existed if we’d admitted to ourselves years ago that she was ours. We would’ve protected her fiercely with every last breath.
This isn't just on one of us. It’s on all of us.
And I’m angry. I’m fucking furious. At them both. At myself for not fighting harder. For not making them see earlier. We only had a few weeks together before Soren took her and that’s on us. No one else.
Striding over to them, I grab them both by the back of the head, my fingers clamping in their hair, pulling them apart. They stumble back from each other with bruised lips, heaving chests and wide eyes.
“Get on the damn bed!” I yell, shaking with fury, wanting to punish them both.
I’m shaking with lust, with love, and with overwhelming guilt, as I shove them both in the chest, forcing them backwards. Carrick blinks up at me, his black eyes suffused with pain. Next to him, fury burns in Arden’s amber gaze. Not at me, not at Carrick, but himself.
Because he knows. He thinks the same as I do.
“All I can think about is Cyn. I can’t fucking breathe knowing that she’s in their grasp. I’ve barely slept since she was taken. I go over and over what we did to her as kids,” I yell, my own regret, a flurry of words burning my lips. “Konrad was right. We were no better than they were. All of this. Everything that’s happened is because I didn’t speak up when I should’ve. I knew she was ours back then. I fucking knew it. But I let youbothconvince me otherwise.”
“Lorcan,” Arden begins, the colour draining from his face.
“No!” I snap, flicking my gaze to Carrick. “I let you hurt her, and I didn’t speak up.”
“You’re right,” Carrick mutters, shoulders dropping. “We’re all to blame.”
“None of this would’ve happened if we’d loved her right from the start. None of it. Soren saw an opening and he took it. Do you honestly think if we’d made her ours years ago that this would’ve happened? Because Iknowit wouldn’t have,” I pant. “And the worst thing of all is that she forgave us for our shitty fucking behaviour a long time ago. Cyn knew she belonged to us and we were too fucking stupid to see it. Imagine how she felt after that night we made love to her in the chapel, because–make no mistake–wedidmake love. We took her virginity and then we turned our backs on her. Just imagine how that must’ve hurt her.”
Gripping my stomach, I double over, winded by the knowledge. I could let this feeling break me, but that won’t help Cyn and I refuse to let her down again. Sucking in a few deep breaths I force myself upright.
“It kills me to know that she found her voice with The Masks. Fuck, how it kills me. But do you know what? We never deserved to hear it first, and we were lucky she shared it with us even if it was just to protect her friends.”
“You’re right,” Arden agrees, cutting me an exhausted look.
“My immediate reaction to finding out that she lied to us in order to protect Christy and The Masks was anger. I was angry because I believedwedeserved her love and affection, her loyalty, but I was wrong. We didn’t deserve it. We haven’t evenearnedit yet.”
“So what do we do about it? Because I can’t live with guilt. It’s killing me,” Carrick says brokenly as he lays back on the bed and covers his face with his arm.
“We deal with this here and now by any means possible. We get our shit together like Beast suggested, then we find Soren and the Skull Brotherhood and we fucking kill them all.”
“Then what?” Arden asks, blowing out a shaky breath.
“Then weearnCyn’s love,” I say. “If that means getting on our knees and begging for forgiveness every fucking day for the rest of our lives, then we do it. If that means giving her exactly what she needs, what she wants, we’ll do it. Agreed?”
Arden swallows hard then nods. “You know I will.”
“Carrick?” I ask, but still he covers his face, determined to punish himself.
Well he doesn’t need to, because I’m about to do that for him. Climbing onto the bed, I straddle his hips then I reach up and forcefully pull his arms apart, pinning them down by his side.
“I asked you a damn question, Carrick.”
When he doesn’t answer immediately, I stare down at him, but he keeps his head turned away, showing me his still healing scar. It’s a visual reminder of everything that went down that night, because not only did they take Cyn from us, they almost took Carrick from us too, and they still can if he doesn’t snap out of this.
“Are you ready to earn Cyn’s love?” I persist, giving him something to hold on to. Some fucking hope because within that question there’s no doubt we’ll get her back in order to earn her love.
Still he refuses. Stubborn to the end.
