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That wild, unhinged part of me snarls and growls in confusion as I dance.
It wants Tiny. It wants to release itself in her. It wants to hear her cries and her moans, blotting out the noise of my emotions.
It’s angry.Scared.
But with every step that anger becomes determination. With every sway of my hips, and kick of my legs, that anxiety unfurls into understanding.
This is who I am. This is a part of me that will never change.
I can’t hide from it. I can’t pretend it isn’t there. I can’t force my emotions into neat little boxes, chaining them up beneath hours of work, or appeasing them temporarily with violent fucking.
There is no fix. No bandaid. No cure.
Tiny might be able to provide a safe place to listen, she might be a willing participant in aggressive consensual sex. My best friends might indulge my need for violence in other ways by fighting me in the ring. They might guide me with their friendship and hold me accountable with their love. But at the end of the day the only person with the power to deal with all these painful emotions is me.
That’s what I do now.
Gripping my wrist, I force all that fear away from me, but it holds on. Fuck, it holds on.
Still I refuse to let it overpower me.
I refuse.
I fight against it until eventually I win.
Stomping my foot, I place my fingers to my lips and release this mounting fear that has been building up over the last few months with a heartfelt kiss.
Letting it all go.
I. Let. It. Go.
And with every exhale I become still. My body relaxes, and my arms loosen at my sides as an inner peace washes over me.
Soothing me.
Calming me.
Leaving me free to listen to the thumping rhythm of my heart as it beats in time to the music.
The relief is palpable as I reach up and remove my blindfold, blinking back the sting of the studio lights as I search for Tiny, instantly finding her.
She stands across the other side of the studio with a huge smile spreading across her face. A smile that’s so fucking beautiful and filled with pride that I am helpless against the pull of it, against the pull of her.
My soul cries out for her.
My body yearns for every inch of hers.
I no longer have that ripping, tearing need to annihilate my emotions by temporarily fucking them out of my system. What I have is this warm swell of love, so fucking pure and uninhibited that I all I want to do is express that the best way I know how.
“Tiny,” I mutter. “Dance with me?”
“Always,” she replies, stepping towards me as I move towards her.
We are opposites in so many ways, Tiny and me, but in the way we love? We’re not so different. She might be able to handle that love better than I can, but she sure loves as big. I feel it now, her love, it’s like a fierce embrace, solid, grounding, stable, protective,pure.
Sliding my fingers down her arms, I notice the way her skin rises with goosebumps, reacting to my touch so viscerally. It's always been this way between us, this connection that we share is so much more than physical, emotional even.
It's soul deep.
