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I’m supposed to be the one everyone turns to. I’m supposed to be the one who can protect Pen. I’m supposed to be the one she can lean on, that my brothers can lean on.
I’m the motherfuckingDaddy.
“Jesus, fuck,” I laugh, and the sound is broken. Empty.
It kills me.
“Dax?”
My heart stops as a crack of thunder sounds overhead and I lower my head, my eyes landing on Kid who’s wearing nothing but her sleep shorts and a baggy hoodie, three sizes too big for her.
“What are you doing up here?” I ask, meeting her gaze as the fire door closes behind her.
“What amIdoing here? What areyoudoing here?”
“I’m thinking,” I say curtly, turning my back to her, feeling like a fucking arsehole. I don’t speak to her like that. I never cut her off. I never shut her out. Fuck, what am I doing?
“During a storm?” she questions, her voice gentle, tentative. Afraid. I chew on the inside of my cheek, tasting blood. “Dax?”
Fuck.
“I need a minute. Just give me a minute.” My voice cracks and I hate it. I fucking hate it. With my back still turned on her, I try to pull myself together.
“No,” she replies instantly. “You don’t need a minute. Youneedyour family. You need the people who love you. Dax, Xeno told us what the doctor said.”
“I asked him not to,” I reply, refusing to face her, my gaze focussing on the view of my hometown stretched out beneath us.
“He’s worried about you,” she counters softly. “He loves you so much, Dax. We all do.”
“I know that. Iknow,” I press, feeling her presence as she approaches, the heat of her body as she tentatively reaches for me, her fingers lightly grazing my arm.
“Don’t do that!” I shout, twisting to face her, stepping back and wrapping my hand around my stump.
“Don’t do this,” she replies, eyes wide, her hair stuck to her head as the rain pelts us both. Her teeth chatter as she stares at me. Hurt. Confused.
“I’m not doing a damn thing. I just need a fucking minute, Pen. Just a minute.”
“It’s Kid,” she whispers, correcting me.
I see the hurt in her eyes and it guts me. Fuck, how it guts me.
Pressing my eyes shut, I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I just… This is a lot.”
“I know. I know it is, but we’ll get through this together. We’ll get you a therapist if you don’t want to talk to me, to the guys.”
“I don’t want a fucking therapist!” I shout, unable to help myself.
Another thundercrack sounds overhead making Pen jump, or maybe it’s me that’s terrifying her right now. Maybe it’s me. Fuck, what if it’s me?
“Kid, I’m sorry,” I say, meaning it. “That was out of order.”
“It’s okay. You’re upset. You’re trying to figure this out, but I’m telling you, Dax, you don’t have to do this alone.”
“I can’t be weak, Kid.”
“You’re not! Dax, you’re the strongest man I know. Don’t you see what I see, what we see?”
I shake my head, swiping a hand over my face. “It’s not real. I’m not fucking strong. It’s all a fucking front.”
