AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Knowing is half the battle,” she agreed. “I knew I had panic attacks, but it was only when I started talking to someone about it that they went away.”
Lola turned her gaze back to Carmen, her watery eyes refusing to shed a tear. Disbelief marred her expression, as if Carmen was just saying that to appease her. “You have panic attacks?”
“I did,” she admitted. “For years on and off, but they got really bad during law school.” She rearranged herself to sit next to Lola and hold her hand. “And then they became unbearable while I was studying for the bar.”
“What happened?” Lola ran her thumb over Carmen’s in a surprisingly gentle, comforting gesture.
“Every time I sat down to study, I would get this paralyzing fear. My heart would race so fast and pound so hard that I couldn’t breathe. The room would spin. It was like having a heart attack. It felt like dying.” She clenched Lola’s hand, experiencing the memory in her body. “I’d get this tidal wave of intrusive thoughts and I was sure that I was going to fail. Not just fail the bar. Fail the generations of lawyers behind me. Fail the people who risked their lives to bring us to this country. Their legacy was going to die with me. I was going to be the only one who didn’t have what it took to make them proud after they’d given me so much.”
“Man.” Lola let go of her hand and wrapped her arm around her shoulders, pulling her into her chest. “I didn’t think a family could mess you up without trying.”
Carmen breathed a chuckle. “Every family kinda messes you up, right? Even when they don’t mean to.”
“And the therapy made that go away?” Lola asked after a beat.
Carmen looked up at her. “I was on medication for a little while,” she admitted. “But the therapy was a life-changer. The pressure is still there. No one is going to erase that, but it doesn’t consume me. It doesn’t eat me alive. It’s more of a nuisance than a crushing weight constantly on my back.” She straightened. “And I backslide,” she admitted to Lola as much as herself. “I have to be mindful of that,” she reminded herself.
“I wish we didn’t have to go back,” Lola whispered before pulling Carmen on top of her as she laid down.
Curled around her back, Lola held her so tight that she couldn’t take a deep breath. She hoped she wouldn’t lose her grip. “Me too.”
“What if everything changes when we leave?” Lola’s question was a whisper against the shell of her ear. “What if we’re just… different people here? If we—”
Carmen turned in her arms and held Lola’s face in her hands. “It won’t change,” she promised. “These last few days… they’ve been incredible.” She swallowed the flutter in her chest. “It’s only the beginning.”
Lola looked more skeptical than convinced. Her dark eyes were more awash with fear than Carmen would like.
“We have a few hours before we absolutely have to throw all of our stuff in our suitcases and get to the airport.” Carmen gave her a flirty smirk. “How about I put my mouth to better use convincing you?”
Lola flipped her onto her back, lips parted and eyes intent. “I’ve always said actions spoke—”
Carmen cut her off with a kiss and pulled her in. Convinced that Lola would only believe what she saw with her eyes and felt with her body.
CHAPTER45
More than onesleepless night weighed on Lola’s shoulders as she trudged up the steps to her apartment. The red-eye flight from California should’ve drained the last of her energy. Rubbing her bleary eyes, she found herself unable to fall into a bad mood. Incapable of harboring a single negative emotion. That, in and of itself, should have been a warning bell.
Thoughts of Carmen carried her up the steps like she was a damn fairytale princess coming back from a ball. She hummed despite having to lug her heavy suitcase.
Or maybe she was the prince in the story. She imagined herself in some ceremonial version of a military uniform — white and adorned with all kinds of metals and badges and cords she hadn’t actually earned.
She was halfway to the second floor when she imagined Carmen standing in a sea of people. Lola was sure that there’d be no one else worth looking at. That she’d shine like some kind of North Star, glittering in the darkness and leading the way.
Singing to herself, she let her fantasy drift to memories. To thoughts of Carmen’s body. To the taste of her lips on hers.
For once, Lola let the future fill her with hope rather than dread. Let herself entertain the possibility that anything could happen between them. Even something good. It wouldn’t last, but that was okay. Maybe having something nice just a little was better than not having it at all.
After more gentle prodding from Carmen, she’d even started searching online for a therapist while sitting in the back of the Uber from the airport. One even seemed like she might work — no touchy-feely bullshit and she was willing to start communication via text, which was less intense than an in-person session. It was probably stupid, but it was covered by her insurance, so there wasn’t anything to lose but a little time.
Punching her code into the front door, Lola pushed it open. Glad it was Sunday morning so she could collapse into bed and dream about hazel eyes and lightly freckled skin.
Instead, she froze. Her cousin Gil — Gil of the Cuban-Dominican-Mexican fusion taco truck — was in the kitchen. In her kitchen, clad in a short silk robe —hershort robe —nothingbut her robe — ransacking her refrigerator.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Lola demanded, voice thundering in her raw throat.
Gil jumped, nearly dropping the carton of orange juice in his hand and clutched his chest, sending the too short robe riding up and forcing Lola to avert her gaze. “Jeez, you scared me!”
Anger was a dragon waking in the pit of her stomach. All the serene joy she’d found with Carmen laid to waste when it opened its maw and set it all ablaze. “I scared you? Are you fucking kidding me? You’re inmyhouse!”
