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“I hope if he brings someone, everyone is on their best behavior.”
“I’ll be on mine if he is. You should consider bringing Lexi. You know your stepmother, the more the better, especially if it’s someone you’re serious about.”
That’s true. Carla does love when I bring home anyone that’s potential daughter-in-law material, as she likes to say. “All right, I’ll ask her. Later, Dad.”
Sixteen
LEXI
“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do for you—anything I can get you?” Noah says, rubbing my back as I sit on his lap wiping away a tear.
I shake my head, resting in the crook of his neck. He’s doing everything I need him to do. He’s gone out of his way again which he didn’t have to do. Miranda is sitting outside in their car waiting when they shouldn’t even be here, while he comforts me. I feel so useless sitting here crying. I knew he wasn’t getting any better. But when his nurse called and told me Grandpa had another stroke and it was more serious than any he’s had before, I just couldn’t hold it in. Streams of tears were running down my face in the middle of the household products aisle while I clutched the phone to my ear.
Rachel didn’t even wait for me to tell her the details of what happened. All I got out was “My grandpa had a stroke”. Before I said anything else, she told me to clock out and that she’d cover my register until my shift was over. I told her I’d work to the end of my shift—it probably wasn’t that serious because he’s had a few mini strokes before and he was strong, he was going to be fine again.
She wouldn’t even hear of it. She got my stuff for me because as much as I wanted to believe this time wasn’t different from the others, I was in a bit of a daze. I guess she could sense it. She said that family is a top priority in her book. They come first. I needed to go see my grandpa. I might have been saying I was all right and believed he was going to be fine again, but my trembling body and watery eyes were telling her the real truth.
On my way to the nursing facility, I called Drew and told him everything Caroline said to me. I needed my brother with me. He understood what was going on, how devastating it would all be if we lost Grandpa like this. We aren’t ready. I’m not ready for him to go.
We got to the nursing home after I picked Drew up from his friend's house. Luckily he was only scheduled to work half a day at his summer job. When we saw Caroline, I was crying all over again while she told us about Grandpa’s now grim prognosis. It wasn’t good. And suddenly the thought of Noah popped into my head.
I wanted him here with me holding my hand, soaking in what comfort I could get from him because that’s what he does. Just being in his presence with his hand around me would have made me feel like things might be okay again.
“He’s not coming home.” I wipe my nose with the tissue in my hand. “I need to accept that and stop trying to give false hope to my brothers and myself. If he isn’t here, I’m all they have to depend on. I can’t let them down. The first thing I need to do is stop this useless crying on your shoulder.”
He kisses the top of my head, rubbing soothing circles on my back. “Nothing about you or how you feel is useless. This would be difficult for anyone. You’re not made of stone. You’re allowed to feel and grieve a loss. Even if it’s not a physical loss, it’s still a loss of the grandfather you knew, and who knows you. A man I haven’t met but from the stories you told me about him, he was one of the most important people in your life. He took care of you and protected you. You had an ally you knew was always going to be there to help shoulder the load.”
God, how does he know? “That’s exactly it.” I put my hands around him, hugging him closer to me.
The thing is when we came back from seeing Grandpa and talking to his nurse—he couldn’t communicate with us that well, it was sad seeing him like that in his bed looking frail and broken. He wasn’t the grandpa I’ve always known or even the one we’ve known for the past few years.
We picked up Ryan from his summer job and Axel from day camp on our way back and explained everything to them. We made plans to take them to go see him tomorrow, just in case… Then the ever fucking annoying text came through my phone. The one reminding me of what I had to go do tonight. And no, I can’t turn it down even on one of the most devastating bad days. Especially now. I need to take care of my family financially, as well as emotionally.
When I pulled up to the front of the house there he was. Standing in front of his patrol car, Noah, it felt like my heart took a sigh of relief. He was here again just when I needed him. In all the commotion I’d forgotten to let him know about my grandpa. Even though he was the only other person I wanted with me, somehow I didn’t reach out to let him know.Crazy. But he was here now. He hugged the boys as they walked by him with sad faces, no tears but nonetheless sad. Then it was me in his strong arms, wrapped around my back, soaking up some of his ever-present calm in his uniform, my blue wall of peace and strength.
Apparently, Rachel had the presence of mind as usual, like she always does, to call him and tell him what happened to my grandpa. Even though he was on duty he found a way to be here for me.
“You’re not alone in this, Lex. You have me. I’m here for you. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. I promise, whatever happens, you’ll have me with you.” He kisses my forehead, lifting my chin to look at him. “I need to get back to work. Do you need anything before I leave?”
“No. As usual, you’ve done enough. Thank you for caring enough…to come by. I needed y—” I can’t say it. Instead, I wrap both arms around his neck holding him as tight as I can, and kiss him, hoping to convey how much showing up meant to me.
“When I get off I’ll come over. I’ll bring dinner. We can talk some more if you want?”
Damn. This is the problem with living two lives and trying to hide one away like it doesn’t exist. Sooner or later they start to intersect, and it's a matter of time before they collide. “I would love that but Shauna, I already made plans with her. She texted me when we were leaving the nursing home. She’s going to come and spend the night.”
“Oh, okay.” He smiles. But it’s not his usual.
I feel like a big jerk for turning him down when he’s trying to make me feel better, and I want to be with him. Instead, I’m going to some club to jerk some random guy off for goddamn money. Hell, I’m no better than a hooker, except they get paid better. “Would you come over tomorrow?”
“Sure, I can do that.” He strokes his thumb across my cheek, smiling. “I’ll bring some things and I’ll cook for you and the boys.”
I smile. “That sounds great.”
* * *
I takea shower and pick out the dress I’m going to wear tonight. As usual, it’s something restrictively tight and short. These men seem to like that and as Celeste says, you gotta keep the client happy by giving them what they like, it keeps them coming back. Ugh! My life. I empty the contents of the bag I carry to the store every day and transfer my driver's license and anything else that will fit into my smaller bag for tonight.
I fit the five most important things in and fling them down next to my dress on the bed. I scoop the rest of the stuff up off the bed. I see a sheet of paper the nurse handed me with my name on it. When she gave it to me when we were leaving I stuffed it in my bag. Too concerned with everything I needed to do along with worrying about how Ryan, Axel, and Drew were taking all this.
