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“The only one fooled here is me believing I could trust you.” I point a finger at him.
“You’re not serious about me are you?” He huffs, staring at me. “This is a temporary step for you isn’t it?”
No! I want to yell and tell him this thing between us is real for me, but I can’t.
“You don’t want this chaos and what comes with my life, Noah. Our families and lives are different. I told you before: men don’t stay once they see who we are. This could never work. You’re not the only one who was fooling themselves.”
“This can’t work because you don’t want it to work.” He shakes his head, his unblinking eyes steady on me. “You are so caught up in the past and shit that happened to you you can’t see what’s in front of you. You have insecurities and you’ve been hurt. I know you hurt, but this is sabotage at your hands. I’m here, Lexi, I wasn’t going anywhere.”
I’m tired, so tired. It’s falling apart. “You’re one of many men who have walked through that door downstairs. When you have had enough of this life and all the responsibilities that come with it, you are going to walk right back out without a second thought, it’s inevitable. So don’t make starry-eyed promises to me you can’t keep.” I shake my head, feeling the prick, the telltale signs of tears behind my eyes. “I’ve heard them all, from my mother, from my father, from my stepdads.”
“You’re so hurt you can’t help but inflict pain on yourself before anyone else does, is that it?”
I say nothing. I don’t want to cry. Not yet.
“Tell me the truth, Lexi. I’m here begging, let me help you if you’re in trouble. I won’t—”
Oh no. I hold both my hands up. I can’t let him go on filling my head with more hope or worse yet, bringing him into this. We can’t work, we never could. He’s too good for me. “Leave. We’re done. This will never work, and you and I know it.”
He reaches for me with sad eyes, but I also know suspicions. “Lexi.”
I move back out of his reach, feeling a wave of unexpected anger. “Get the hell out of my house! Just go and stop making this harder than it needs to be. This thing that we’ve been doing is over. Don’t come back. I don’t want to see you anymore. Don’t stop by, don’t call, don’t come to check on us. Don’t come back. I don’t want you. Do I need to make it any clearer? You’re not wanted!”
With nothing else but what I can describe as a cursory look, he walks past, grabs his wallet off the table, and seconds later the door shuts behind me. Then another door closes in the distance, but this time I imagine the force and power of wood hitting wood sounding through the neighborhood as it splits into pieces.
Fuck. I swipe my hand across my face, angry, hurt, and ashamed. I’m ashamed of lying to a great guy, ashamed of being my mother without me even knowing it. I’ve become her.
I walk over to the dresser and blow out one of the dripping candles. I pick up the other one from across the room and then I hear crying. Damn. That’s Axel. I put the candle down and go into his room where he’s sitting up in bed looking small, his arms wrapped around his legs.
“What’s wrong?” I whisper, sitting beside him, and hugging him to my chest.
“I heard something. It was loud.”
“It was nothing. Noah just left, he must have pulled the door in a little too hard.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. Come on, lay down and get back to sleep.”
“Can you stay?”
“Sure, I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”
“Okay.” He lays down with his head on my lap.
Not even five minutes later he’s back to sleep. I gently ease him down on the bed. “What’s that?” I turn to the door, sniffing the air. It smells like smoke. Oh my god! I run out of Axel's room into mine. Oh my god. The candle! The rug, curtain! I rush to the bathroom and fill a basin with water. I almost trip running back with water spilling over the sides. Standing back I throw the water on my carpet and rush back into the bathroom filling the bucket again and throwing it on the curtain. Smoke rises spreading around the room and choking me but most of it is out. Covering my mouth and coughing, I grab my blanket off the bed and beat at the rug then the curtain furiously until they fall to the floor, and I brush it over to the carpet with the blanket. I throw it over the spots that are still glowing on the rub, still beating the blanket against it.
What the hell? Covering my mouth and stinging eyes with my arm I open the bedroom window. I can’t believe that happened. The damn thing I’m working so hard to save was almost burned down by me and a fucking candle. Fuck my life. The carpet and curtain are ruined. I can’t stay in this room tonight. I’ll probably suffocate to death from smoke inhalation the way things have been going.
God, the smell is awful. I turn on the fan to the highest speed and take up the candle and the plate it was resting on. Won’t be doing that again. I close the door behind me so the god-awful smell doesn’t spread too much around the rest of the house. Thank god I closed Axel's door when I ran out and he didn’t wake up. And no thanks to the two brothers who are sleeping like the dead. The house could have burned down with us in it and they really wouldn’t have noticed. Sighing, I go to Drew’s room but stop before opening the door. I’m tired. And I just need to be alone with my thoughts. Let it all sink in. All the responsibilities of trying to—just trying and failing to do it all.
I swallow down the lump in my throat, remembering Noah and all the things that were said. I press my lips together and turn away from the door. Where are the adults when I need them, I need one. One who will tell me what to do and how to fix it all before it all crashes down. I sniff and walk down the opposite end of the hall and open the door that hasn’t been opened since he went away. Grandpa. It’s stuffy in here but smoke-free. It still smells faintly of his cologne and the little satchels of potpourri he used to spray with it and leave in the corners of the room. I don’t bother to open the window. I want to keep as much of him with me for as long as possible. I turn on the night lamp next to his bed. And as warm as it is I lay down in the middle of his bed pulling his sheet around me, imagining him here. One man who I love dearly who has always taken care of me and looked out for us when no one else was there, and the other man who is new to my life, but no less important. I press my face to the pillow, thinking of my grandpa and Noah, and let the tears I’ve been holding back go.
Eighteen
NOAH
“Can I borrow your power drill, the one with the drill bits?”
