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“Yeah?”
“I know I’ve not shared a ton about the whole ‘I’m taking care of my niece’ thing. But I’ve been going through the process of becoming her legal guardian while my brother’s in jail.”
“Wow—that’s amazing!” His shoulders drop, and I watch as his eyes scan my face and land on my lips. “I’m sure that’s not been an easy process.”
“No,” I let a small laugh slip, “it’s been very much the opposite.”
“What’s your good news?”
“I got the call today. I’m approved!”
“Holy shit, Noah! That’s awesome. How does it work? She’s like your kid now?”
“Sort of, but not exactly. I’m what the state considers akinshipguardian. Basically, I’m already Rainey’s family member, and now I’ve been awarded guardianship. The social worker mentioned a few benefits for kinship guardians that aren’t available to other foster care situations. But otherwise . . . I think it’s very similar.” Logan listens as I continue, “I don’t know exactly how it works, but our social worker mentioned I can apply for funds to cover some expenses—like childcare. I have to wait and see what else we qualify for.”
“Wait. The state will give you money to help with Rainey’s childcare? That’s great—I’m sure it’s not cheap, taking on an unexpected kid.” Logan’s scruffy cheeks stretch to make space for the huge grin on his face. He’s so excited—if I didn’t know better, I’d think this washiswin.
Childcare. The word rolls around in my mind like a marble on a track. Izabeth can’t help with Rainey’s care anymore. My mind’s been so wrapped up in my guardianship news that I’ve not had a spare minute today to think about Logan’s situation—until now. Yesterday, I told him I wished I could magically make a job for him appear out of thin air. Today, I can—kind of.
I’ve seen firsthand the awe-inspiring dad Logan is to Maggie. He’s what I’ve always imagined a perfect dad might be: attentive, warm, and genuinely interested. His patience and encouragement with her inspire me to be even better for Rainey.
Caution bells should be going off in my head, but the question escapes my mouth before I can second guess my intuition. “Would you have any interest in helping me with Rainey after school? The state would pay you to care for her until I get home from work.”
Logan scoots his chair away from the table and his mouth falls open. “You want to pay me to take care of Rainey?” He rubs a knuckle back and forth over his bottom lip.
“Technically, the state will pay you,” I say, thinking on my feet. “But yes, I need help. My best friend’s been watching her after school, and I just found out today her work schedule is changing so she can’t help anymore. This wouldn’t be permanent, and it’s not full-time, but you need a job. It’s at least something until a better position comes through for you.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m moving back in with my aunt and uncle. This would be great if I was staying in town, but I’m assuming a government stipend will barely cover my gas back and forth. I hate to say it, but I don’t think I can swing it right now.”
“What if you didn’t have to drive?” My mouth and brain are no longer communicating.
“Like, you’d bring Rainey to the farm every day?”
“No. Like you and Maggie move in with us,” I blurt out without a second thought. “Assuming your background check came back clean—no offense. Rainey’s particular about who she stays with, but I think she’d welcome having Maggie around.”
Chapter 20
Logan
“Thiswasn’ttheplan,”I agree, bowing my head. “We’ll be out by the end of next week, and I’ll get you the remaining deposit as quickly as possible.”
My Monday morning call to Mr. Brady was almost as terrible as I’d expected. He threw around words likedisappointed,inconsiderate, andheadachebefore saying he’d drop by later today with an official notice for me to vacate. Sitting in the recliner, Hope crawls onto my lap for a head scratch, and I oblige, feeling grateful for her comforting warmth.
I stare out the window and recount everything that’s got me here. I’m the last person anyone would describe as impulsive, but I have to admit, maybe this move was just that. All of my assumptions and plans fell flat, and now I’m back where I started. No—actually I’m worse off. Maggie and I won’t have a place of our own, and now we’re broke, too.
I chew at my bottom lip, trying to find the courage to call Rufus or Claire and beg for the chance to move back in.Begis the wrong word. I just need to ask, but my pride is down for the count. Was moving to Kentucky a mistake? There’s no guarantee I’d have found work any quicker in California, but at least there would have been a larger pool of jobs.
I threw in the towel when I lost Hannah. The first few weeks after her death disappeared from my mind. She died, and I woke up several weeks later with everything that unfolded in between, completely erased from my memory.
The hospital recommended a grief counselor for both Maggie and me. I attempted one session with him after emerging from the other side of my emotional blackout. The only thing that stuck with me from the session was it didn’t matter what my grieving process looked like to anyone else. I needed to do whatever was necessary to take care of my daughter and myself in every sense—emotionally, physically, and financially. He insisted it wasn’t weak to lean on those around me for support as I found my footing in what rightfully felt like a foreign environment.
As the months ticked by, I pulled out his advice. I pictured getting a gold star sticker when I showered and brushed my teeth. I imagined the counselor high-fiving me when I accepted Claire’s invite to come east with Maggie. The summer and early fall of our post-Hannah lives became consumed by school, my job search, playdates, and my side hustles. I’d forgotten about the wisdom I carried with me from California.
Noah’s offer rides alongside me in my descent to hopelessness. I’m flabbergasted. Shocked. Stunned. Her initial offer to help with Rainey’s care was thoughtful and generous—if I was staying in this apartment, it would have been a perfect transitional role. I’d continue my job hunt while the girls were in school, while helping Noah out and earning a little money. Maggie would’ve been over the moon to see her friend every day after school.
While I sat with my mouth agape, staring at Noah, I felt certain I was having an out-of-body experience while she continued to discuss potential logistics. She needed help with Rainey’s after-school care. She’d praised my fatherhood skills and negated her own caregiving ability. Noah proposed in exchange for a place to stay, and whatever stipend the state could provide, she only had one ask—she wanted my help in cultivating some parenting skills. She wanted to be the adult Rainey deserved. A raucous laugh burst out of me at the unnerving idea. She thought I knew what I was doing?
Solid arguments against her proposed arrangement walled off my mind the moment the words rolled off Noah’s tongue. The first few were purely logistical. Noah burst through those walls. I hadn’t found the words to share that declining her offer wasn’t just about moving into a different home. How can I move in with another woman? How can I share a home with someone who isn’t Hannah?
